Monthly Archives: July 2010

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Jordan Reid Doesn't Want You To Judge Her For Eating

Jordan Reid Berkow, the 98 lb OMG MARRIED wife person of a former rock star, doesn’t want you judging her because she tasted some bologna, ok???

Yesterday, minutes after arriving on the set, I chomped down on my lower lip so hard while eating my bologna-on-a-roll (it’s what I felt like; don’t judge) that my mouth filled with blood (I know, sorry) and I almost fainted. Right in front of everybody, of course.

Who is going to judge some anorexic blonde for eating a little bologna roll? It’s not like she sat down and plowed through 4 stuffed crust pizzas, threw up, then went to the Cracker Barrel buffet. She just had a piece of bread with bologna. And WHY is she so set on drilling into our heads that she eats eats eats nonstop folks,  like a pig, all day long! Nobody’s buying it, and it comes off like major denial. Jordan, you know who gets judged for eating? Fat people. They get judged nonstop for eating anything that is not celery, so knock it off with your eating disorder “whatever don’t judge me for fulfilling a biological need” bullshit.

Seriously, do you know how your “don’t judge me for eating” statements make you sound? It makes you sound like one of those chicks who feel guilty for eating a tic tac. Like one of those women who see a fat lady eating nachos and a hot fudge sundae and unconsciously make a face as they look away, and then start thinking about how SOME people just don’t care about their HEALTH and promise yourself that tomorrow you will only take two bites of your meals. Like one of those women who says either nothing or YOU GO GIRL at anyone over a size 6 eating a meal, but then smokes another pack of cigs and skips lunch.

Jordan, just eat something without apologizing for once. Trust me, nobody is judging you except you.

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It Wouldn't Be A Day Ending In Day If Jordan Didn't Tell Me Something I'm Already Aware Of

Jordan Reid Berkow, wannabe lifestyle and food blogger, recently discovered a new food thing: cooking eggs in a frying pan with water:

Huh! Well, this is something new.

This morning, I wandered down to the lobby of my hotel in search of a hot breakfast, and when I requested poached eggs, the lovely gentleman behind the stove suggested I have them “basted.” I have never heard of this in my life, so of course I said yes,…

Basted eggs are more or less a hybrid between sunny-side-up eggs and poached eggs…sort of steamy-fried, if you will. Sound gross? They’re totally not. All you do is crack the eggs into a lightly buttered frying pan, salt and pepper them if desired, and add a little water to the pan (any liquid works, really – even chicken broth – and the chef at my hotel just used 3 or 4 ice cubes, just because there happened to be an ice cube-filled bowl sitting next to him). Cover and cook on low heat until the tops of the eggs turn white, or until they’re cooked through to your liking. What’s happening is that the heat is being reflected downward as well as upward from the pan, resulting in a more evenly cooked egg (no runny whites).

Uh…my dad has always cooked his eggs this way. He called them milky eggs. Outside of scrambled it’s pretty much the only way I can successfully prepare eggs without burning them. This isn’t a new thing. It’s in every cookbook on the planet.

Buy a cookbook and actually read it, and stop acting like you’re discovering new exotic unheard of dishes, Jordan. I know this isn’t a big deal but it pissed me off that Tinkerbell up there acts like she’s the Columbus of food all the time when she’s basically just learning shit everyone else already knows, then telling all of us with her seal claps and golly-shucks ain’t that neat shit. We already know, dim bulb.

Shut up already, Bobblehead.

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Jordan Reid Will Soon Retain More Water Than Hoover Dam

shillshacklesham somehow continues to limp along towards it’s inevitable whimpering fail, but that doesn’t mean Jordan Reid isn’t going to keep giving you handy dandy info on where to buy….salt.

Because Melissa is awesome and knows that things like gourmet salts are inexplicably exciting to me, she sent me home from our beer & cheese tasting with a wonderful gift: three jars of Artisan Salt. Cyprus Flakeis a mild salt with a unique pyramid shape – perfect for finishing dishes – and has already been called into action (I sprinkled it over last night’s delicious dinner – recipe to come). Murray River (pictured at left), a peach-pink salt with a mild flavor, is both beautiful and versatile and would be perfect to set out in a small dish at a dinner party. Finally, Salish is a fine, smoky salt ideal for grilled meats or creamy pasta dishes (plus it’s a very cool-looking dark-grey color).

And, of course, all three should (and will) be sprinkled over freshly sliced tomatoes as often as possible for the remainder of the summer.

Ok look – I love salt. I consume enough salt to brine all the anchovies in the world. Anyone who likes their salt can GOOGLE “gourmet salts” and get a whole world of pink rock salt and freaky orange cajun salt minus the shills.

But really whatever, b***h wants to shill salt; fine. Whatever gets her the fame she so pathetically desires. I’d just like to point out that the jackhat up there claiming a salt has a “mild flavour” recently admitted she can’t cook worth a shit, and by the looks of her blog she sticks to pasta and salad and beans/rice. She’s basically at the culinary level of a 3rd grade latchkey kid.

I’m going to take her shilled attempt at being some gourmand with a grain of salt. (OH DAMN SEE WAT I DID THAR????)

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Yall Shut Up, Mary Rambin Is Totally Legit

Mary Rambin, consultant, has a new gig – being the social media expert for Houston!

I just launched a new blog: @HoustonSocial for The Chronicle

Along with contributing features to The Good Life Section (and coming soon 2995) I’ve just launched a blog to help educate Houstonians on social media.

For those of us active in the blogosphere, the information will seem like ancient history. But as with fashion, Houston is a little slow in adopting trends. Southerners in general are adverse to change.

While consulting and even socializing in Houston, I realized so many people are unfamiliar with blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc and how to harness these tools. So I’ve launched this blog for The Chronicle (a source they trust) to inform them and help them make baby steps in learning the space.

P.S. I know I look like a drag queen in my profile pic, but it’s the only recent hi res photo I have. It was taken at fashion week so the make up was caked on pretty thick for the camera.

This is what Houston needs. With the lack of technology companies, there is a real need for someone with proven social media and internet expertise like Mary Rambin, who describes herself as running a “popular lifestyle blog, MoreThanMary.com” and claiming she has “been working on the cutting edge of the industry for the last three years with some pretty notable brands”.

Uh…ok! Congrats Houston! Enjoy twitter!

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Meghan McCain Is A Powerful Political Force, People

Meghan McCain, author, is fully aware that her upcoming tome will forever alter the face of politics in America:

hearing lots of interesting rumors about a few people a little nervous about “Dirty Sexy Politics” coming out…and of course I love that ;)about 6 hours ago via web

Honey the only people nervous about your book coming out are the unfortunate book reviewers who will be forced to read it. Stop acting like you are some major pundit to be reckoned with, Megatits.

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Jordan Reid Shares Her Make-It-Complicated Tip

Jordan Reid Berkow, expert chef and lifestyle guru, has a super easy tip for those of you not aquainted with GladWare or dollar store plastic store and serve shit:

Love this picnicking tip from Real Simple:

To prevent crushable munchies (chips, cookies, etc) from disintegrating en route to your destination, place them in a Ziploc bag, and then slide a straw into the top of the nearly-closed bag. Inflate, and seal the bag: the air will create a cushion around the bag’s contents, ensuring that they arrive in one piece.

Yeah, I just can’t on this one.

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David Karp And UBERCHIO Rachel Prepare For The Inevitable

David Karp, inventor of Julia Allison, is obviously trying to make Poundcake’s head explode:

“Our prenatal lecture got kinda silly.”

Rachel as a preggo.

Buy stock in Entenmann’s now, because when these two announce their engagement there will be a run on cake by a million hipster girls with broken hearts.

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Jordan Reid Is Not A Great Cook, Here's Her Recipes

Jordan Reid Berkow, not an expert, is always sharing her complicated recipes with us on her hugely profitable blog. Well it turns out Jordan is not that great a cook!

You know, I’m not really all that great of a cook. I mean, I’m fine, I suppose, but certainly no prodigy. I don’t love cooking because I can create things that taste or look spectacular (although it’s definitely fun when that happens): I love cooking because I love that it makes my dad ask me questions. I love that it makes my husband roll his eyes back in his head and growl. I love that it can inspire my best friends to sit around our junky old dinner table for hours, laughing, talking, and singing. I guess I just love the conversations.

You know, between her teaching me that guacamole is made by smashing avocados and adding stuff, to the revelation that salad is made with greens and other stuff, I was truly convinced she was a chef of top order. I’m so disillusioned now.

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Sarah Lacy Spends Her Weekend Bitching About Her Book

Sarah Lacy, lover of travel, is once again complaining about living up to her obligations.

there is no other way to describe the next ten days than pure mental hell. (book due aug. 1)1:33 PM Jul 23rd via web

dramatically reworking chapter 1. either making it way better or creating a huge mess. not totally sure but leaning toward the former4:32 PM Jul 23rd via web

i’ll say this: my book is about 25% better than it was this morning.8:36 PM Jul 23rd via web

bed time. plan tomorrow is an early morning run followed by a day of fixing chapter 5, 6 and 8. oh chapter 8….you still just suck. :(about 7 hours ago via web

If writing is SO HARD and such a DRAIN maybe she should look into temp work already. She is such a tiresome bore with her constant complaining. If she’s not b***hing about her surroundings – home OR abroad – she’s whining about how tough it is to sit around and edit her book. A book she has  had TWO YEARS to work on.

This is why nobody except other self-important windbags likes you, Sarah. You have overestimated your importance and the impact of your work. You are such an entitled b***h that you feel put upon editing your own book, a project that by the way is financing the elitist white-and-artistic lifestyles of you and that douche husband of yours in not-exactly-cheap San Francisco.

Go fellate a power drill already. You are obnoxious to the extreme.

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I Forgot To Post About Emily Brill

A while back a former essentiallyemily.com fan and I were discussing whatever happened to Emily Brill. I had heard she was supposed to write for the Daily Beast now – apparently if you are blonde and have a recognizable family name DB will hire you – but kind of forgot about it because a My Three Sons marathon happened in my dvd player, and I found a Skor bar in my purse, so, ya know, distracted.

Anyway, she is now writing over there, and has a fun profile pic showing Serious Writer Emily:

Isn’t that cute? So professional. Also, her twitter is still up, and I’m still blocked from following it, but she never says anything anyway anymore. She’s too busy being Serious Writer Emily.

So there’s the bi-annual Brill update for those of you who remember the glory days of Dean Swift and pics of Debbie-Trachtenberg-before-she-was-Devorah-Rose.

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Did You Know Jordan Reid Had A Wedding?

Did you know Jordan Reid Berkow, founder and wife, had a wonderful wedding? She is happy to tell you how to do a wedding, because she had a wedding and it was an amazing wedding!

Evidently she and her husband, who is a rock star she met on myspace and married 45 seconds later btw, found some food shit from their wedding in the freezer at her mom’s. It just brought all those wedding memories flooding back from her own wedding, when she had a wedding which was perfect because she planned a fabulous wedding!

This, by the way, was the whoopie pie tower we had at our wedding. I thought the presentation was…well, sort of hideous…but the cake was one of the elements of the wedding that I couldn’t have possibly cared less about. I wanted something that tasted good, was sort of unique and tailored to the location (Ogunquit is famous for whoopie pies, for some reason), and was reasonably priced (I think it was in the ballpark of $200). That’s how I think these often ridiculously expensive, madly overwrought monstrosities we call weddings should be approached: pick three or four elements that matter to you a lot (for us, it was the music, the ceremony, the photographer, and the food), and leave the rest to fall as it may. Perfection is so not the point…in weddings, or in life.

That’s right, people. Jordan has all kinds of wedding tips based on her real life experience planning her wedding to a rock star she met on myspace. Then they had a wedding! I know, she never talks about meeting a rock star on myspace and then having a wedding. But she did, she met a rock star on myspace, and then they had a wedding, and are happily married after their wedding.

I just love all these new revelations she keeps sharing!!!

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Jessica Schroeder Wants To Be On Tv Now

Because I know you all love lovepuppy, that chick who loves Park Slope’s battered women, I thought you’d like to know you can go vote her into a guest spot on Mad Men!!!

Hey guys! You know I love the 60s and you know I love that Mad Men style! Waste a couple of seconds and throw me a vote! Please reblog!

WhatIWore: Like What I Wore? Like my many Mad Men inspired posts? Then please,

VOTE FOR ME!!

to appear as a walk-on on Mad Men!  Wouldn’t that be cool?

I call this outfit – “Accounting for Secretaries”… I actually found this book on a stoop, thought it would look cool on my bookshelf and brought it home.  The outfit is a mix between Joan and Betty – my Corvis Noir pencil necklace + full skirt… and I’m ready to jump on set.

Gee I’d love to help out but I’m voting for this guy:

But hey good luck there, stringbean!

PS Might want to cut back on the 40s and chocolate bars, that shirt is looking a little tight. I assume that’s what you’re eating because everyone knows that people on a vegetarian organic diet and who ride bikes are all super skinny, it’s common knowledge that weighing over 140 lbs is only caused by being a lazy overeating poor person.

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Jordan Reid Will Have The Businesswomen's Special

Jordan Reid, bidness lady, had a bidness lady lunch meeting yesterday. She had a bunch of important bidness lady document to carry to her bidness lunch, but KWELL wh*reR!! She had nothing but her purse…

Yesterday I had a meeting to which I had to bring a bunch of documentation that was important enough that I didn’t want to do what I usually do with papers – stuff them into my slouchy purse, where they end up alternately crumpled/ink-stained/lip gloss-smudged – and ended up trucking around town with an extremely elegant manila folder straight from that bastion of style, Staples. I got to thinking that a leather portfolio might be a quite lovely thing to keep around for occasions just like yesterday’s meeting, and last night I found this very awesome tooled leather vintage piece on Etsy.

Ok, first of all let’s do some funtasizing about this ‘meeting’. There are only so many things it could be – pitching to sponsors, her longed-for book deal, or trying to get another blogger gig like her fabulously popular (snicker) Gloss columns.

Second, has she heard the good news about tote bags? Or a laptop bag? You don’t have to cram docs into your frocking purse, idiot. You can put them quite nicely in your laptop bag or your slide them into your “I HEART TREES” grocery tote and be just fine. In a pinch, Staples DOES also sell regular Meade pleather notebooks you can use, probably on the same aisle as that manilla folder.

Nope, why do the practical, common sense thing? You can only have docs with lipstick and wrinkles, or transport them with a hand tooled leather  portfolio, there is no in between?

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