Monthly Archives: August 2010

Internets

lovepuppy Reminds Us All That She Is Getting Married

Perhaps you did not know that Jessica Schroeder, of Park Slope, is soon to be the wife of  the most important internets man of our time? You may not know because she rarely talks about it on her tumblr.

Well apparently next week her true goal in life will be achieved – to be “Mrs. Anybody”.

Spent ALL day cleaning the house so it is spick-and-span when we get back from the wedding (and it looks great!!!!)6:37 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Yea… guess I’m kinda excited too RT @quirk Next week at this time I’ll be married to @whatiwore. Can’t wait.about 17 hours ago via web

BUSY day!about 4 hours ago via web

Look, I don’t normally bag on brides because really if they are that into it, fine. Having no desire to have a wedding myself I don’t really get the obsession some ladies seem to have over it, but to each their own.

What I will bag on is the seemingly calculated, scheming performance that was Jessica’s pursuit of a man. She wanted to get married and made that very clear over the years on her blogs. A cursory scan of her 4 years worth of gushing over boys easily reveals how she becomes whatever the guy seems to want -for Mraz she became a vegan, animal rights hipster girl who feigned horror at all her 26 year old friends getting married. That didn’t really work out. Then ole Quirk comes along and within months she starts chowing down meat, moves in with him, and showing her elitist ass.

She not only started a barely bothered with blog about her wedding and talks nonstop about the blustering dickweed she plans on wasting her life with, she’s got to tweet us all a reminder that as of September 5 she will be getting married, at her wedding, to Adam, who she loves, and is marrying.

No really…I get being excited about wearing a princess dress and getting wasted with your family. But since reading several years worth of drivel from this mental hairball, all I’m seeing in this union of souls is the culmination of a whiny, co-dependent girl’s quest for someone – anyone – to help her become a “Mrs.” You independent woman, you!

Just… eyeroll, dude. I predict an almost instant pregnancy and a divorce within 5 years. Best wishes!

147

Internets

World Exhales In Relief To Find Mary Rambin Still Alive

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f87eDutJS44&feature=player_embedded]

Mary Rambin, blogger for the Houston Chronicle, wants you to know that despite laying in bed for two days with a bug, she is in fact alive.

She got back in the saddle yesterday with spin class and some party, and today she’s got her nose back on the “grindstone” with a full schedule of posting! She’s already bringing it with a youtube video, a reader asking who her cinematographer is, and a post about doing squats.

No wonder she got sick! Nobody but a true entrepreneur could maintain such a grueling schedule and not collapse EVERY week! GOLF CLAP, PEOPLE!

10

Internets

Meghan McCain Focuses On The Important Issues

Following her father’s win in some election, Megatits McCain got back to the most important topic on anyone’s mind:

I cant believe I am getting reactions to this, but yes -I took out my hair extensions this summer, always changing my lengths just not color about 2 hours ago via web

I moved home to Scottsdale and took out my hair extensions this summer, not exactly that radical but some people seemed confused. about 2 hours ago via web

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I noticed about this pic was not the dirty side eye Megatits is giving her skinny mom. No sir, it was her hair. I wondered all day – what DID she change? Well now we can all get back to our lives, because all she did was pull out the ratty weave and touch up her roots.

Next week Megatits appears on some tv show to shill her book and not talk about her weight or how her looks are really shaking up people’s ideas of Republicans! I can’t wait for her to finally break her silence about these issues.

8

Internets

Jessica Schroeder Deserves A Break

Jessica Schoeder, hard worker, is working hard guys!

5-9 am. Almost 4 hours of writing! Solid start to the day!about 6 hours ago via web

I mean, by 10 am today she was just wiped out from all the hard work. She deserved a break!

Long day already. Breaking for a mani/pedi.about 4 hours ago via web

Poor dear. I know just how she feels. Some days I post like 4 times and I have to not post for DAYS, and just go to a spa and regroup. Then I come back and post for a day and need to maybe go to my country house for a few days and let Elma give me mani/pedis and serve me brunch.

Let’s give her a break guys. She worked 4 hours already today!!!

45

Internets

Peter Feld Misses Graffiti And Crime

Peter Feld, who guards the Holy Grail in the valley of the Crescent Moon, wants you durned kids to realize you don’t know nothin’ bout the REAL New York! Yet another tumblr posted those pics of the 80’s subways (they’ve already been posted 9039285721 times, welcome to tumblr) which got this reaction from Doree Sharir (?), whose name sounds familiar but I forget:

Yeesh. My commute would have been so much worse 25 years ago. Honestly, compared to NJ Transit, the NYC Subway is a godsend.

This sent poor Peter into another manopausal fit about the good ole days:

So glad Giuliani made the city into a clean, safe theme park for a generation that doesn’t know awesome when they see it.

Wow, did someone run out of their Estroven, Peter? Sorry some people like riding in clean subways, dayum. Why can’t you appreciate an era in the life of a city without acting like it defined the city? Then again I’m just one of them thar rubes what moved into yer great city and don’t have no right to say nothin!

PS: See your doctor about getting the estrogen patch for those hot flashes!

26

Internets

Irony Completely Escapes Jordan Reid

Presented without comment:

Reader Question / Ugly Wall Cover-Up

Q. Hey Jordan,

I’m an avid reader of your blog, and wanted to ask for your creative input on an unfortunate home decor situation. My apartment has a large textured, stuccoed wall that I can’t stand. It feels very Miami. Not in a good way. Because we rent, I can’t do anything that will permanently alter or damage the wall. I also don’t want to spend a fortune — no more than $50 – $75. Do you have any ideas as to how to improve? I will send you a photo of the wall for reference.

Thanks so much!

Mary

The final answer? WALLPAPER. What else?

23

Internets

Jordan Reid Posts Another Complex "Recipe"

Jordan and some friend of hers apparently had some sort of doggie play date yesterday, because that’s what she does on things like Saturdays I guess. After talking about how the dogs were little dicks who got filthy in the mud (but SO ADORABLE SUNSHINE SMILES) she posted about her complex and time intensive contribution to the picnic: sandwiches.

BRIE & APPLE SANDWICH

1. Layer Brie (shoot for the best quality you can afford and load it on) and thinly sliced green apple on a baguette. You can also add a few slices of turkey, if you like.

2. Drizzle with a little honey or honey mustard and toast in a sandwich press (optional).

Yes folks, the recipe for brie and apple sandwiches is brie and apples on bread. Seriously….Jordan’s a little…slow, right? She doesn’t post this stuff thinking people need instructions like this, right? I’m actually asking, because there’s starting to be no other explanation.

44