Monthly Archives: August 2010

Internets

lovepuppy Reminds Us All That She Is Getting Married

Perhaps you did not know that Jessica Schroeder, of Park Slope, is soon to be the wife of  the most important internets man of our time? You may not know because she rarely talks about it on her tumblr.

Well apparently next week her true goal in life will be achieved – to be “Mrs. Anybody”.

Spent ALL day cleaning the house so it is spick-and-span when we get back from the wedding (and it looks great!!!!)6:37 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Yea… guess I’m kinda excited too RT @quirk Next week at this time I’ll be married to @whatiwore. Can’t wait.about 17 hours ago via web

BUSY day!about 4 hours ago via web

Look, I don’t normally bag on brides because really if they are that into it, fine. Having no desire to have a wedding myself I don’t really get the obsession some ladies seem to have over it, but to each their own.

What I will bag on is the seemingly calculated, scheming performance that was Jessica’s pursuit of a man. She wanted to get married and made that very clear over the years on her blogs. A cursory scan of her 4 years worth of gushing over boys easily reveals how she becomes whatever the guy seems to want -for Mraz she became a vegan, animal rights hipster girl who feigned horror at all her 26 year old friends getting married. That didn’t really work out. Then ole Quirk comes along and within months she starts chowing down meat, moves in with him, and showing her elitist ass.

She not only started a barely bothered with blog about her wedding and talks nonstop about the blustering dickweed she plans on wasting her life with, she’s got to tweet us all a reminder that as of September 5 she will be getting married, at her wedding, to Adam, who she loves, and is marrying.

No really…I get being excited about wearing a princess dress and getting wasted with your family. But since reading several years worth of drivel from this mental hairball, all I’m seeing in this union of souls is the culmination of a whiny, co-dependent girl’s quest for someone – anyone – to help her become a “Mrs.” You independent woman, you!

Just… eyeroll, dude. I predict an almost instant pregnancy and a divorce within 5 years. Best wishes!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

147

Internets

World Exhales In Relief To Find Mary Rambin Still Alive

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f87eDutJS44&feature=player_embedded]

Mary Rambin, blogger for the Houston Chronicle, wants you to know that despite laying in bed for two days with a bug, she is in fact alive.

She got back in the saddle yesterday with spin class and some party, and today she’s got her nose back on the “grindstone” with a full schedule of posting! She’s already bringing it with a youtube video, a reader asking who her cinematographer is, and a post about doing squats.

No wonder she got sick! Nobody but a true entrepreneur could maintain such a grueling schedule and not collapse EVERY week! GOLF CLAP, PEOPLE!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

10

Internets

Meghan McCain Focuses On The Important Issues

Following her father’s win in some election, Megatits McCain got back to the most important topic on anyone’s mind:

I cant believe I am getting reactions to this, but yes -I took out my hair extensions this summer, always changing my lengths just not color about 2 hours ago via web

I moved home to Scottsdale and took out my hair extensions this summer, not exactly that radical but some people seemed confused. about 2 hours ago via web

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I noticed about this pic was not the dirty side eye Megatits is giving her skinny mom. No sir, it was her hair. I wondered all day – what DID she change? Well now we can all get back to our lives, because all she did was pull out the ratty weave and touch up her roots.

Next week Megatits appears on some tv show to shill her book and not talk about her weight or how her looks are really shaking up people’s ideas of Republicans! I can’t wait for her to finally break her silence about these issues.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

8

Internets

Jessica Schroeder Deserves A Break

Jessica Schoeder, hard worker, is working hard guys!

5-9 am. Almost 4 hours of writing! Solid start to the day!about 6 hours ago via web

I mean, by 10 am today she was just wiped out from all the hard work. She deserved a break!

Long day already. Breaking for a mani/pedi.about 4 hours ago via web

Poor dear. I know just how she feels. Some days I post like 4 times and I have to not post for DAYS, and just go to a spa and regroup. Then I come back and post for a day and need to maybe go to my country house for a few days and let Elma give me mani/pedis and serve me brunch.

Let’s give her a break guys. She worked 4 hours already today!!!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

45

Internets

Peter Feld Misses Graffiti And Crime

Peter Feld, who guards the Holy Grail in the valley of the Crescent Moon, wants you durned kids to realize you don’t know nothin’ bout the REAL New York! Yet another tumblr posted those pics of the 80′s subways (they’ve already been posted 9039285721 times, welcome to tumblr) which got this reaction from Doree Sharir (?), whose name sounds familiar but I forget:

Yeesh. My commute would have been so much worse 25 years ago. Honestly, compared to NJ Transit, the NYC Subway is a godsend.

This sent poor Peter into another manopausal fit about the good ole days:

So glad Giuliani made the city into a clean, safe theme park for a generation that doesn’t know awesome when they see it.

Wow, did someone run out of their Estroven, Peter? Sorry some people like riding in clean subways, dayum. Why can’t you appreciate an era in the life of a city without acting like it defined the city? Then again I’m just one of them thar rubes what moved into yer great city and don’t have no right to say nothin!

PS: See your doctor about getting the estrogen patch for those hot flashes!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

26

Internets

Sarah Lacy Tells Paultato Head To Cover His Vagina

Sarah Lacy, complainer, has finally grown three brain cells and told Paul Carr to STFU:

.@paulcarr bored with your social media drama-queening. just go to china for a few weeks. you’ll come back and appreciate twitter. ;)about 7 hours ago via web

For those of you who don’t care (all of you) Paul Carr is the now-sober former Hemingway wannabe who came over from England to lord his superiority over us all. He hates anonymous commenters. He just finished his second book full of anecdotes featuring Paul and his Incredible Awesomeness. He gets into pointless twitter fights. He is basically the most self-important d-bag in the TechCrunch/SV scene.

Even if this is some kind of tee-hee OH PAUL! joke, it’s nice to see her at least pretend to have some kind of a clue finally.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

14

Internets

Irony Completely Escapes Jordan Reid

Presented without comment:

Reader Question / Ugly Wall Cover-Up

Q. Hey Jordan,

I’m an avid reader of your blog, and wanted to ask for your creative input on an unfortunate home decor situation. My apartment has a large textured, stuccoed wall that I can’t stand. It feels very Miami. Not in a good way. Because we rent, I can’t do anything that will permanently alter or damage the wall. I also don’t want to spend a fortune — no more than $50 – $75. Do you have any ideas as to how to improve? I will send you a photo of the wall for reference.

Thanks so much!

Mary

The final answer? WALLPAPER. What else?

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

23

Internets

Jordan Reid Posts Another Complex "Recipe"

Jordan and some friend of hers apparently had some sort of doggie play date yesterday, because that’s what she does on things like Saturdays I guess. After talking about how the dogs were little dicks who got filthy in the mud (but SO ADORABLE SUNSHINE SMILES) she posted about her complex and time intensive contribution to the picnic: sandwiches.

BRIE & APPLE SANDWICH

1. Layer Brie (shoot for the best quality you can afford and load it on) and thinly sliced green apple on a baguette. You can also add a few slices of turkey, if you like.

2. Drizzle with a little honey or honey mustard and toast in a sandwich press (optional).

Yes folks, the recipe for brie and apple sandwiches is brie and apples on bread. Seriously….Jordan’s a little…slow, right? She doesn’t post this stuff thinking people need instructions like this, right? I’m actually asking, because there’s starting to be no other explanation.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

44

Internets

Mary Rambin Continues To Educate Us About Women

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX7NrlS2VT4&feature=player_embedded]

Uuuuugh she’s back!

Mary Rambin, expert on man-woman interactions, has some more based on facts factoids about women:

Remember the hot guy I posted a pic of the other night?  (Grace, I know you do) Well, turns out he’s sweet and can keep up with my sass.

Most women become speechless in the presence of a good-looking man (oh let’s be serious, Michael is gorgeous, just don’t tell him that).  Well, the other night, such was not the case for me. I took the unconventional route and fired his ass. My mouth gets the best of me often, so I’ve mastered the art of flipping my faux pas into bubbly banter.

Yes, SO BUBBLY! Honey stop trying to bed this guy, he’s obviously playing for the other team. Then again you looka lika man so maybe it could work.

Anyway, once again let us tell you to stop saying shit like “most women”. Mary you know what? 3 women? And they are most likely neurotic and insecure rich girls like you. Of course their response to hot guy is to go throw up their lunch and prattle on about themselves. That doesn’t mean MOST GIRLS can’t a) put down the camera for one minute, and b) maybe just drink your wine, chat about current events, exchange contact info and smile. All without some blog post about how witty we are when we faux pas.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

40

Internets

Jordan Reid Seems Confused About What "Shilling" Means

Jordan Reid, who is not a shill just a person with a personal blog who gets free shit for mentioning it on her site, is making it clear she is not shilling:

I spent Thursday shooting a segment on cleaning tips, one of which involved a product that I’m serious, you must must must try.

Libman’s Freedom Spray Mop (and no, the company isn’t paying me/sponsoring me/otherwise showering me with affection to say this) is AWESOME. You know, as mops go.

Why am I so excited about a mop, other than that I tend to get excited about things like mops? Because this one has a spritzer-thingy on the front that you can fill with anything from water to Pine Sol to fancy scented floor cleaner (you don’t need to use any specific manufacturer’s refill), and you just spritz as you go. No need for buckets! (I hate buckets. So does Virgil. They scare him.) The pad on the bottom is also machine-washable, so you don’t have to buy new ones constantly (making the mop both cheaper in the long haul and better for the environment).

Anyway, it’s highly recommended if you’re in the market for a mop these days. I’m not…at least not anymore, because I am the proud new owner of the one we used in yesterday’s segment. Whee!

Madewell Artisan t-shirt, very old Urban Outfitters belt, brand-new and much-adored Hudson jeans, Anzie bead bracelet.

Just so we’re clear: She praises a product she got for free after shooting another Better TV advertorial. Yep, that’s the opposite of shilling.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

36

Internets

Jordan Reid Is An Expert Pet Owner

Jordan Reid, “founder” of a blog but not a BLOGGER just a tv host and writer who has a blog, is often excused for everything under the sun just because she is nothing like that other founder who is OMG f**kING EVIL FOREVER.

Well one thing we can’t fault Jordan on is her stellar care of her dogs. For example:

Oh, dear.

I mean…oh, dear. Poor guy. Poor, naked, little guy. And the sad little remaining poof on his tail. I just…can’t. (As a reminder, this is his usual look.)

Lucy and Virgil have an unfortunate habit of munching on each others’ ears and legs, and apparently (I learned this from the dog groomer) saliva acts as a sort of glue, making snarls much, much worse and much, much harder to get out. We’re pretty good about brushing him, but as he got fluffier and fluffier our dinky plastic brush stopped being up to the task (I’m picking up a hardier one today)…and…well…

He got shaved.

Like I said: Oh, dear.

I did some (zero) research and animals munching on each other to the point of hair matting is totally normal and not any kind of behavioral clue to a possible problem. It’s also perfectly fine to continue using your ineffective plastic Little Tykes Vanity Set brush despite accomplishing nothing, well to the point of having to shave your animals as autumn approaches.

I stand down, folks. You are all proven right. She is truly the antithesis of The Evil One.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

13

Internets

Meghan McCain Revamps Website, Loves Photoshop

Meghan McCain, “writer”, has revamped her mccainblogette.com website. No longer featuring her random blog posts about her life, she has now begun the hardcore promotion of her sure to be best selling book.

At least we finally have something about the premise of this life changing tome:

About the Book

Meghan McCain came to prominence as the straight-talking, forward-thinking daughter of the 2008 Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain. And her profile has only risen since the election ended in favor of the other guy.

What makes Meghan so appealing? As a new role model for young, creative, and vocal members of the GOP, she’s unafraid to mix it up and speak her mind. In Dirty Sexy Politics she takes a hard look at the future of her party. She doesn’t shy away from serious issues, and her raucous humor and down-to-earth style keep her positions accessible.

In this witty, candid, and boisterous book, Meghan takes us deep behind the scenes of the campaign trail. She steals campaign signs in New Hampshire, tastes the nightlife in Nashville, and has a strange encounter with Laura and Jenna Bush at the White House. Along the way, she falls in love with America—while seeing how far the Republican Party has veered from its core values of freedom, honesty, and individuality. In Dirty Sexy Politics, Meghan McCain gives us a true insider’s account of life on a campaign trail.

Something tells me that, much like her father’s campaign, this book is promising more than it will deliver. OH HEYYY BURN *self high five*. She is also apparently now residing back in Phoenix, AZ for some reason, presumably because she ran out of book advance money, and New Yorkers scoffed at her r*****ed attempts to pose as a writer (for the Daily Beast, who seriously gives anyone with an iota of infamy a “column”).

There are also links so you can run run run and pre-order this future #1. That’s not even sarcasm. Given how hucknutted the typical American is I would not at all be surprised if this drivel wound up being #1 for the 21-35 crowd for a couple of weeks, especially with her promoting the crap out of it on twitter.

Also, HOLY PHOTOSHOP, MEGATITS. Christ that photo looks NOTHING like you!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

17

Internets

Jordan Reid Begins Her Descent Into Curling Irons And Fake Lashes

Jordan Reid, “founder” of the “successful” blog ramshackleglam, has learned a lot from Julia Allison; how to shill basically anything that gets offered, how to go on tv and talk about random stuff for exposure, and how to rewrite your life fails in interviews.

Now it seems she is taking the well-tested beauty routine of the Miss Julia and getting her curling iron and fake lashes on yo!

Yoy, were those ever some seriously loose, sexy waves. I create a (less fresh-from-the-salon-perfect, of course, but still very nice, I think) at-home version of this look by using a 1 1/2” barrel curling iron and rolling up sections of hair from about 2” above the ends to about 2” from the scalp – in other words, curling only the middle section – and then shaking the curls apart and spraying generously with Aussie. After the curls fall a bit, they look more or less like they do in my “About Me” picture, over there on the right…

Look! Yesterday’s fake eyelashes survived the night – miracle, and the product of extreme determination on my part – and will now be making an appearance on RTL this morning.

If we have learned anything from history, it’s that once you start using the curling iron and fake lashes your internet fame has about another year.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)

16