Monthly Archives: October 2010

Internets

Jordan Reid Is Too Old For This Shit

Jordan Reid Berkow Strauch, shillshacklesham dot bomb, is doing this tonight:

See?

I am a cat, in case you couldn’t tell. A pot-roast-eating, candy-handing-out cat. (My mom enticed us over with the promise of comfort food and trick-or-treaters.)

Ohhhhh…you’re a cat. I thought maybe you were just a Peter Criss fail, or a bunny gone wrong. But no, you’re a totally adorbz wittle kitteh!

Also, you are almost 30. Just saying.

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Internets

Julia Allison Wears This While Standing Like That

The Quirks aren’t the only scary thing on the internet tonight. In other spooky news, Julia Allison went with “Sexy Browser” for this year’s Halloween sadfail:

My insane Firefox costume from Yandy.com … Not. Subtle.

She also apparently jumped off a building or something. Because she wants attention and nobody is looking at her anymore. Wow just wow, locking my door and turning off my television now, lest Julia Allison climb out of a well and through my tv and make my face look like hers.

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Internets

The Quirks Launch New Website, God Says "Hey I Was Golfing That Day"

And so it begins. Soon to retire “style blogger” Jessica Schroeder Quirk has just announced “That’s Quirky!“, the blog to read for all your ugly rugs, terrible grammar, and who gives a crap what else.

There is so much to see I don’t even know where to start! Do I begin with “Our Yard” or maybe “Inspiration”??? How about “Our House” which is all about their house?

Anyway, I think this is great. It’s just more proof that Messica is growing less and less interested in jumping around in flapper outfits and getting closer to becoming the obscure mommy blogger she clearly longs to be. She’s already started random twitter campaigns @ing established mommy bloggers, and soon I’m sure we will see tweets like “hey @homedepot we could use some gift cards!”

It’s kind of sad if you think about it too long.

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Internets

Emily Gould Wants To Teach Gawker Some Ethics

Emily Gould, world’s nicest and most emotionally stable person, has once again decided that because she worked at Gawker – did you guys know she worked at Gawker for about 15 minutes 90 years ago? – where she talked shit about people, she is amply qualified to tell Gawker they have no place talking shit about people:

To whom it may concern

Okay, so what you’re saying is:

1. It’s ok – no, it’s good — to “out” people who privately behave in a way that’s inconsistent with their public personae.

and that

2. Nick Denton gets to decide what the words “private,” “public” and “inconsistent” mean.

Yeah, I don’t know, guys. I don’t think you get paid enough to have to think that.

What’s wrong, Ghoul? Tao Lin not returning your calls? Your Buckingham Nicks Greatest Hits cd get lost during your last trip to Italy? Can’t decide on that next tattoo? Or just feeling particularly hypocritical today?

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Internets

Obviously Spellcheck Is Not Part Of Jessica's Full Time Job

Midwest Messica Mrs. @Quirk finally gets to see her book!!!!!

Fed Ex just arrived with the hardcopies of the interior of my book design!! IT LOOKS AMAZING!!!!!!! I AM SO THRILLED!!!!about 1 hour ago via web

And today’s post from this professional writer…

The equestrian books and olive pants feel very forest ranger to me, but I like it! I live in the woods right now!

She lives in the woods now. FASHION! BUY HER BOOK!!!!!!

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Internets

Fun Fun Drunken Pot Stirring Rumour Club Time

What couple recently broke up amid rumors of a new job giving him a ‘big head’ even though he has a ‘small and I mean SMALL penis’? He may or may not be a ‘totally hypocritical anonymous commenter’ on this very blog!

What Gawker employee kisses ass in the hopes that Nick Denton’s fair for all equality policy won’t apply when it allegedly comes time to review staff in January? Hint: She may or may not know that the Death Star knows she sends us tips.

What supposedly ‘rampant liar’ GOMIBLOG writer has recently been asked to ghost write a book deal but still is broke and has no sponsors? Hint: they might be in chat tonight.

Discuss!

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Internets

Jessica Schroeder Quirk Thinks You Should Sponsor Her

Midwest Messica, of a town in the Midwest, will not be outdone in the shameless begging department! After her twitter campaign for free Oscar de la Renta resulted in a flurry of de la Renta PR people sending her a crate of freebies (that happened, right? no? oh), Jessica has decided to try again:

Drinking a @starbucks in my latest post and my readers think you should sponsorhttp://whatiwore.tumblr.com… what do ya say?1 minute ago via web

Hey sbux, better jump on this Oregon Trail wagon of web success! After all, Messica’s traffic is growing everyday!

Seriously, I am disgusted by this shameless namedropping, hoping the companies will see it and send money. I think the only way to calm down from this rage is with a nice chilled glass of Franzia, a delicious delivery of extra sharp cheddar and cat food from FreshDirect, and some new clothes from OldNavy.com. You beg bloggers revolt me.

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Internets

Mary Rambin Is Thankful

Mary Rambin, branding expert consultant and writer, has been working hard. Between phone calls and googling she barely has time to hit the gym for 90 minutes a day. Luckily, her MacBook died yesterday, forcing her to get some much needed relaxation:

Life is really nice when the computer is broken, the tv is off, and you can take a second to soak in your favorite things. If the weight of the world is lifted, even if only for a minute, I am thankful to have that time of peace. I never take it for granted

Isn’t that nice? She is grateful for those endless hours of laying in the sun during her free vacation.

In other news, attention, Steve Jobs and wealthy readers: Mary Rambin would be happy to add whatever the latest Mac laptop type product is to her list of things to review. Just send it along to her (gratis, of course) and she will be sure to write it up on her successful lifestyle blog!

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Internets

Jessica Schroeder Quirk Confuses Us

Midwest Messica, love child of Mary Poppins and Jesse James, is sort of confusing us on exactly WHAT it is she’s doing all day. She has said something about a shared workspace situation, but her latest post implies she has some sort of co-workers:

I don’t really have a problem with wearing things I like over and over again, but this whole taking-a-photo-everyday-for-three-and-a-half-years thing always makes me want the next day to look a little different.  Documenting something like this each day has definitely molded my choices, both with what I buy and what I put on each day. So the reason I ended up happy with this look was because so many people on the street commented on it! A couple people told me they liked my hat and a co-worker told me I looked ‘very put together’. It’s so nice to hear a compliment in person once and a while.

Seriously, does she just have some temp office job or something now? I just hate to think this isn’t some actual co-worker at some part time job, but just some random person sitting on the couch next to her at that place. Because when 75 people a day on the internet telling you you’re pretty and stylish isn’t enough, badger that virtual stranger next to you at the Bloomington Internet Cafe into further validating you.

It would just make her life so sad to me, especially when it sounds like she’s behind the bed clutching a pillow and chanting to herself:

I had the worst nightmares I think I’ve ever had, but other than that – it’s been a pretty lovely morning.about 1 hour ago via web

good things. good things. good things.42 minutes ago via web

Yep. She seems to be adjusting well.

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Internets

Michael Arrington Will Teach You How To Proofread

Michael “Puppy Hater” Arrington, asshole, has built an empire on the backs of the two most talented writers in the world: Sarah Lacy and Paultatohead Carr. Now that AOL has handed him the keys to Scrooge McDuck’s safe, Arrington splits his time evenly between designing new loungewear for his slave, and being his usual arrogant self. Behold as the great Arrington lays down the law to yahoo.com:

attention to detail matters. First link ink post is broken. This is Yahoo’s corporate blog.http://ycorpblog.com/2010/10/26/yahoomailbeta/about 6 hours ago via web

I will now let those of you with spellcheck skills explain to Mickey what is wrong with this tweet.

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Internets

Meaghano Basically Giving The Book Away Now

Poundcake and Prostitute, author/editrixes of the sensationally popular tumblr circle jerk in print form, Coming & Crying, are not going to shut up about this book until they unload them all:

Back in—gulp—FEBRUARY we were in the middle of Kickstartering and raising money and had little to no idea of the realities of the post office, or, to be fair, the realities of how wonderful making a book and talking to you would be. But back in February as we were asking you for money we felt a little weird about it, when we thought about it too much. What we wanted was for people who wanted the book to have the book. We may have said “needed” as in, “we need this book,” because when making something from nothing, telling yourself, “this needs to exist,” is often the only reassurance that offers real consolation. Sometimes people who want or need a book are not the same people who are shooting off thirty dollars through the Internet (a practice my mother still finds dangerous), which is no fun but luckily there are people on the Internet with lots of money who will help you out because they are Good or they just really have so much money they don’t care. EITHER WAY WE WIN…

You guys.

Write us a letter if you want one of these books that internet strangers paid us money to make in a factory in Iceland and that have been sitting in Melissa’s living room for months now and we will be so sad when they’re gone (they’re almost gone!). That way we’ll have your mailing address and some semblance of real life-ness and you’ll have taken the time to write and we’ll be so happy when we open our lonely, sad mailbox.

See, since we are a real business and shit we have this official-seeming PO Box which is kind of like having an office. It costs a ridiculous amount of money and the people who work there are incorrigible, but in a funny way. The man always asks me if I can even reach our mail, and the other man writes his own science fiction books in a notebook and is fake-surly in that way where he’s surly until you push him a little and he loses it completely. My favorite kind.

Anyway send us a letter there and we will send you a book. Until the books run out. I hope if you need the book it gets to you.

If you made it through all that shit you are a better man than I. The gist of it seems to be that Melissa has a pile of these books that they don’t know what to do with, so ole Meaghano decided to just start mailing them out to anyone who asks for one.

Now now – don’t all of you start a riot on envelopes sending your request in!

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Internets

Meghan McCain Insists She Is A Real Writer

Meghan McCain, bestselling author, continues to travel around the country to pimp out her Costco book. Of course she can’t just throw her crap in a backpack like us regular poors. A highly regarded writer like Megatits requires a tasteful, classic suitcase to put her alleged size 12 jeans in:

packing for another week on the road – like my new very serious, 26 year old writer suitcase? ;-) http://yfrog.com/f5ubbjabout 11 hours ago via Yfrog

Is that a joke? Anyway, Megatits had her 26th birthday Saturday. This momentous occasion caused the Meggalo to expound on her life philosophy:

people keep asking me my life goals? easy. to suck all the marrow out of life that it has to offer. do everything and apologize for nothing!about 10 hours ago via web

What is she talking about? That doesn’t answer the question at all. “So Meg, what are your life goals?” “HAHAHA PARTY!!!” The more she talks the more she comes off like a privileged overgrown sorority girl. “Doing whatevah I wanna” isn’t a life goal, asshole.

In other Megatits news, no confirmation yet on her attempts to get a reality show, but presumably she would have to do more than be filmed just flying around the country for her “book”.

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Internets

Jessica Schroeder Quirk Still Claiming She Lives In Brooklyn

Midwest Messica has been OMG SO HAPPY off in Bloomington IN for two weeks now. While she somehow managed to update her name and marital status within seconds of getting that ring, she mysteriously has yet to update her location info on her various internets:

From her tumblr:

And her twitter:

Does anyone find this weird? Just me?

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