Monthly Archives: December 2010

Internets

Jessica Quirk Still Pathetically Trying To Convince Herself Of Her Own Happiness

Poor Messica. She’s spent the last week or so doing her Year In Review posts, the better to highlight how far and quickly she’s fallen. Today she posted October, and added this poignant paragraph to her jeans and sweatshirts montage:

October was another month full of memories for me.  We took our honeymoon in Iceland, came home and moved to Indiana four days later. And I couldn’t be happier about it.  It seems strange, but living in a smaller town has been really inspiring for me. I feel at home in my own skin. Does that make sense?

You can practically see her at her keyboard, deranged smile choking back the tears, saying “I’m happy, I’m HAPPY! I’m BETTER THAN THE HATERS STILL IN NY! SO HAPPY!” while she hammers out this sad attempt at self-validation. Considering this is the highlight of her week nowdays:

Diner breakfast with @quirk!about 1 hour ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

I’m not really buying the whole “so much happier! so much!” spiel. We are talking about someone who intended to pursue fashion, or at least fashion blogging here. Someone who was heavily invested in the tumblr/New York fashion scene whoring. (Pictures abound of her hanging out with David Karp and Uberchio Rachel, and of the Guest of a Guest events that all the social spelunkers attend.) She even tried to start up her own design and sewing service once. I understand people can grow and love can totally change you or whatever, but I guess I don’t get how a vegan fashionista can 180 into a burger chomping haus frau in 17 months.

I’m starting to feel sorry for her.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
94

Internets

Sarah Lacy Knows Why You Southerners Are So Fat

Sarah Lacy, caring and open minded “writer“, is in Memphis or somewhere for her 237th birthday. To celebrate, she is eating decent southern food instead of all that icky yucky California food:

dinner time. you know why people in the south are fatter than people in california? BECAUSE THE FOOD IS SO GOOD!8:20 PM Dec 28th via web

Uh…ok. I’m sure she meant this as a compliment to Southern cooking in her own socially inept way? I hope? Then again, her charming husband has also called Southerners fat in the past, so it’s most likely that they are just flexing their superiority over the dumb hicks.

Anyway, I could go into a bunch socio-economic mumbo jumbo about the link between lower income and obesity but I’ll leave it to someone who probably knows more about it. I’ll just say I highly doubt the ONLY reason Sarah Lacy must endure the sight of so much disgusting blubber is the delicious cuisine. Sarah Lacy’s track record of tact and sensitivity: unbroken!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
13

Internets

Jessica Quirk Wants You To Get PUMPED UP For The New Year

YOU GUYZ. 2010 is almost over (thank you!!!) and Messica is so excited!!! It’s so quiet in Broomcloset!!!

I love new beginnings. New years, new towns, new seasons and the new school year. We’re all at even, people. Let’s have the best year ever.

The holiday fetus I was warned about has yet to materialize, but suddenly Messica is back to running:

Runner’s log: 4 miles, 36:55. Not bad for the first day back!!5:12 PM Dec 27th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

And obviously she watched the same “Freaks and Geeks” marathon I did Sunday:

As I was scanning my closet this morning, I saw the hem of this dress sneaking out and remembered how comfy it was the last time I wore it.  I didn’t want to repeat the exact same outfit, so I went with a different pair of boots and this army style jacket instead of a black leather moto style.  Doesn’t it look sort of Freaks and Geeks? The jacket I mean? I can totally see an extra wearing it, maybe a few sizes too big.

Or as Adam told me this morning “you look very ’90s.”

No dumbass. It looks like a prarie mom dress with an Old Navy jacket over it. Way to try! Oh wait, you aren’t:

Hello! I’m back! and I even got dressed today!http://whatiwore.tumblr.com10:23 AM Dec 27th via web

WOW! Good job! You rolled out of bed and threw on your Chico’s dress and posed for 10 minutes. You deserve a neck massage and a latte, especially after the 12 minutes you took to post your September recap post:

It’s pretty easy for me to say that September was the best month of my year! I got married! Adam and I decided to move back to Indiana! I borrowed an OdlR dress, clutch and heels for a Cinderella night! It was just so joyful and happy to look back through.

Wait…she got married? Why have we not heard more about this? I hope she includes some wedding stuff in her book, which will be coming out in one of the months of 2011.

Anyway,  how about spending less time sucking OscarPRGirl’s tit and mooning about how AWESOME your wedding was, and maybe get back to thrifting and sewing? Because this isn’t about personal style anymore. This is about you thinking you deserve applause for even the most minimal effort in putting on clothes and posting the pics, no matter how lame and underwhelming the result. Try harder already.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
158

Internets

Because If There's Anything Meghan McCain Needs, It's A Gun

Merry after Christmas, everyone! I know you’ve all been waiting breathlessly to learn what some of the internet’s finest did over this Holiday Of  The Lord Santa. Here’s a quick a wrap up.

Meghan McCain, privileged idiot, got something super special from the creepy grey haired man in her life. No, not her father – Santa, of course!

santa left a .45 long colt revolver under the christmas tree…http://yfrog.com/h800enaj2:16 PM Dec 25th via Yfrog

Sarah Lacy, world’s whiniest writer, can’t even mention her Christmas without sounding b***hy:

Watching the snow flurries, drinking tea and reading margaret atwood book my brother gave me. Xmas w/ no kids! 2:38 PM Dec 25th via txt

No kids! Too bad all you people with kids in your x-mas had to suffer, suckers! OMG Bears spent her holiday weekend completing her transformation into an official cat lady:

Winter comfort above all

Sklarge spent her magical day “Chillin’ wit Jews“, while the 50/30* party known as “Obliterati” held some winter party (apparently in someone’s mom’s rec room) for all those people nobody outside of NY media has heard of.  Our darling Messica apparently did nothing, so business as usual there.

What did you folks do? I hope everyone got what they wanted. I wanted a cute guy with a 6 pack of 2 buck Chuck, but I guess Santa hates me after I punched him at the Awl party.

*50/30 party is my adaptation of the 60/40 bar, which I first heard about on the Gilmore Girls. Basically it’s a party for 50 somethings to hit on 30 somethings.
THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
32

Internets

Jessica Quirk Bringing Her C Game, Fashion Blogging About To Get REAL

Remember Cary Randolph? The trailblazing style icon that used to live in New York?

Well it seems she is now a fashion expert. Exhausted by her demanding job, Messica has had the death flu of death that many of us are battling this week. Because she loves her readers she made sure she continued her most awesome content by having Scary post a million word post about “American style”:

American style is self-made. It’s borrowed. From your boyfriend, your ancestors, your favorite movie star. It’s a wool peacoat from the Army-Navy and the slinkiest stiletto heel. American style is rooted in history: for every Norwegian sweater turned out by L.L. Bean there is another tale about how it got here and was adopted and adapted by generations before ours. Slip on a silk evening gown and wear it with nothing but salty hair and a tan. This is a look that evolved from sport: tennis whites, rugby stripes. It’s seasonal: tartan in winter and linen in spring; but it’s also season-less: Levi’s 501s witha great white button-down in rain, snow, or shine.

A true connoisseur of American style is conscious of where her clothes originated. I think this is a new phenomenon that has developed from the menswear movement to modernize heritage brands.

Blah blah seriously her post is WAY TOO LONG and repetititive, but of course Messica’s fans slobber all over it. As  you know, if you say you are something on the internet, that makes it true. Scary claims to know everything about boat shoes and khaki and wearing men’s clothes; obviously she is the expert on “American style”! I know when I think “American style” I think of those blanket coats you buy at New Mexico truck stops, mixed up with hipster glasses and duck hunting boots. She’s really a maven!

What are you an expert on? Because if you say it on the internet it makes it happen! It’s like The Secret, only more effective for getting you a contributor job at the Daily Beast.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
80

Internets

Jessica Quirk Has Birthday, Gives Us A Gift

Messica Quirk, fiery fashion wreck, has evidently given up being subtle about kids. She is now dressing like a penis and a vagina in an attempt to show Quirk how babymaking happens.

Well, I’m just going to start with my favorite part of this outfit – the velvet turban style hat that I picked up from a thrift store yesterday for $10. I know it’s a lot and I know the look is not for everyone. I can’t tell whether I’d say more Shriner’s or 40’s Lounge Cigarette Girl. I just knew when I saw it, I had to have it.

I’m just going to start with your annoying “Yes please!” shit. It’s not cute. You sound like you’re trying to be a sorority girl. Knock it off? Yes, please.

Whatever. You don’t look like a 40′s girl, you look like Ethel and Miriam Go Play Bingo. Seriously pretty sure my grandmother wore turbans when it got a couple of days past her hair appointment. And what the what with that salmon vagina shirt, lady? You look like Hernando Valzeva Gonzalez Puchesca Calzones, salsa instructor at the Broomcloset Country Club.

I hope that book is a best seller and women start dressing like you. Next to them I will look like Kate Moss.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
267

Internets

Jessica Quirk Is Still Sighing Over Her Wedding Photos

Jessica Quirk, married, got married at her wedding, and is now married.  She doesn’t mention it much, but sometimes when she is contemplating the truck stop diner plate of fail her life has become, she leafs through the pictures of her wedding – the culmination of her every happiness:

Looking back at wedding photos tonight. I love this shot.

Yes, fashion blogger and chic New York visitor Messica’s happiest moments these days involve sitting around in Broomcloset in a free house, looking at pics of her personal prom queen moment.

How aspirational.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
168

Internets

Meaghan O'Connell Is Not Alone, Thank You

 

Meaghan O’Connell, getting laid is awesome, is getting laid. You may not know she is getting laid, by a boy, who loves her, but she is.  She doesn’t like to mention it too much because she doesn’t want all of us loser cat ladies to get jealous. But today oh day of glorious days! she treated us to the information that her boyfriend was in her apartment NAKED!

It is rougly 40 degrees in my apartment but this dress was the closest decent article of clothing I could find, so I yanked it down from the closet cursing under my breath while someone kept gently knocking and we scrambled around in my cold apartment, yelling JUST A SECOND like high schoolers, caught in the act.

Unfortch, the Lord saw into her heart and saw the truth.

She reached in her messenger bag, “Here this will help with loneliness, you just read it along with your own copy of the Bible.”

I nodded and said, “Perfect!” and tried to make sure she really thought I had a Bible and that this was probably going to turn everything around for me.

I must have looked REALLY lonely.

How lonely could she have looked with Mr. Awesome there?

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
46

Internets

Meaghan O'Connell's New Man Will Protect Her

Meaghan O’Connell, first person to go to the gyno, has a boyfriend. You may not know she has a boyfriend, who loves her, but she does.

Obviously the first thing to do when you tie one down is test his love. Task number the first (seeing her naked) having been accomplished, it was time for the timeless challenge of a man’s devotion – OMG COME KILL THIS CRITTER:

After asking a few Duane Reade’s for the “snappy, mean” kind of traps to no avail, I kinda forgot about it/him (well, we call it Viktor Frankl) and then the other day I saw him again at 1 in the morning, had a minor breakdown, asked the man who I tricked into loving me to come and make sure it didn’t crawl over my face at night (coming to make sure it didn’t crawl over my face at night actually turned out to mean biking at 2 in the morning in mid-December rain, whoops).

Because a Vaginal Citizen cannot possibly just put out some D-Con and call it a DAY, I think we can give Poundcake and her tossing of pretentious books a pass. I’m sure if I had a boyfriend I would force him to ride his bicycle over at 2 am because I saw a rodent, while I threw Dorothy Parker at my stove.

Oh wait, I don’t have mice. Because I have cats. Catladies win again!!!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
102

Internets

Jessica Quirk Ups The Ante With Her Daring New Outfit

Jessica Schroeder Quirk, married full time blogger, blogs her fashiony outfits as her full time job. Unfortunately she is just too cold and busy with her happy, fulfilling life to work at her full time job anymore:

There’s something so seventies about pairing a long camel coat with a floppy brimmed hat like this – then add those ultra flared jeans and I’m seriously thinking I fell into Diane Keaton’s closet (yes? please?). Underneath I’m just rocking a plain sweatshirt and calling it a DAY. It is so cold here! I remember when I lived in New York and walked 10 minutes to the train that I thought 17 degrees was just. the. worst. Well, it’s not.  Four degrees is the worst.

Getting dressed and “calling it a DAY” is your everyday already. How is this different? Anyway, one commenter decided to be jealous and not tell Messica she love love loved her outfit.

1)I am not a fan of this look. I’m sorry, usually I like your style but I am not feeling this one.
2)It isn’t really even an outfit. It is a hat, a scarf, and a trench.

Messica, size medium, responded in her typical breezy dismissive fashion:

1) Ok! That’s not a problem
2) Is too an outfit ;) you just can’t see my awesome sweatshirt.

And then, also typical, quickly tweeted a self-hug:

shitmydadsays “Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit.”12:41 PM Jun 28th via ShitMyDadSays.com Retweeted by whatiwore and 100+ others

Meanwhile scientists are working around the clock to reverse her trip through the teleporter with a chipmunk.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
293

Internets

Amazing Blog Informs You That You Are Fat

An uplifting new blog, The Skinny City, is pissing off everyone (but probably only you fatties!)

With inspirational photos of thin girls paired with healthy observations such as “if you keep this up guys will finally like you” and “the only time people notice a fat person is when they get in the way of the beautiful thin girl walking by”, this blog is sure to help the self-esteem of millions of teen girls.

It’s so great that someone is finally helping girls develop healthy body image and self-worth!

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
130

Internets

Jessica Quirk Most Definitely Not Pregnant

Jessica Schroeder Quirk, wearing that, wore…that today, silencing once and for all the pervasive pregnancy rumors.  Why she bothered to get dressed at all is a mystery, since she seems to be staying home from her grueling studio work:

Friends and fam in Indiana have been e-mailing us about the roads. I am already tired. Maybe sleep in and work from home tomorrow? With GIZ?about 14 hours ago via web

Speaking of staying home with Gizmo. I wish I had a harness for him so I could take him out to play in the snow tomorrow.about 14 hours ago via web

Snow day with my little Gizmo.about 2 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Another tough day in the life of a full time fashion blogger.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
149

Internets

Gawker Commenter DB Hacked

Gawker, doer of good, appears to have been h4x0r3d.

Our user databases appear to have been compromised. The passwords were encrypted. But simple ones may be vulnerable to a brute-force attack. You should change your Gawker password and on any other sites on which you’ve used the same passwords. We’re deeply embarrassed by this breach. We should not be in the position of relying on the goodwill of the hackers who identified the weakness in our systems. And, yes, the irony is not lost on us.

I’m not sure what is so ironic about this, but then again I don’t get Gawker’s sense of irony. Which is probably why I don’t read it.

Anyway, go change your passwords, if you care.

THIS!(0)NOPE!(0)
55