Monthly Archives: May 2011

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Love Life Lace Moving Back To D.C.

Tatiana Mikhailovna, of loveliesspace, recently decided to stop blogging so much. Now we know why – she’s busy moving from La Brea or Garbage Grove or whatever town in SoCal she lives in back to Washington D.C.:

I’m so excited to finally share a secret we’ve been keeping for some time… we’re moving back home!! And we’re over the moon about it! We can’t wait to go back to our favorite city, four distinct seasons, our families, snow on Christmas and all the wonderful things that come with living on the East Coast…

We have some exciting dreams for this new chapter in our life and we can’t wait to see where this journey takes us. As Oprah said on her last episode “Your life is speaking to you. What is it saying?” This idea was born from some whispers we started hearing a couple months ago, then those whispers got louder and louder, until we knew, for sure, that this was the right thing for us. It’s not going to be easy, not everyone will understand but sometimes… you just have to go with your gut.

I’ll be doing nothing but packing boxes for the next week so feel free to email me!

And in the immortal words of the great B.I.G. “California: A nice place to visit.”

Well that was quick. Moving in a week? Did she attend the Jessica Quirk School of Suddenly Moving? What is it with these bloggers? Christ I knew for over a month I was moving back to NYC. These folks all decide to move and a week later they somehow have a house, a job, thousands for a moving truck. I know she says they’ve been dreaming about it for months, but why not mention it on her blog where she is so open and honest and sharing her life?

Whatever. I guess I should be glad she’s not moving to Brooklyn.

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Jessica Quirk Misses Her Best Friend’s Birthday

Jessica Schroeder Quirk, marriage expert, expertly avoiding having to cough up some birthday sex by spending her husband/best friend’s birthday in New York City. Sometime between inhaling fried chicken with The Real Rich Tong (not one of those imposters!) and inhaling Burger King at the airport, Messica took a moment to tweet the most thoughtful, wonderful omgamazing husband EVER this heartfelt birthday wish:

Her husbandbff did not respond directly to her, choosing instead to post this sad statement:

These two have somehow combined smug obnoxious married with wow that is sad married. It’s ok Quirk! Birthdays can get you down!

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Cary Randolf Uses Fashion To Face Tragedy

Cary “I’m a WASP, I swear!” Randolph was happily pushing her “check me out in Newport, I’m totes from Newport, hanging in Newport, ps I’m white” agenda when finally someone mentioned to her that her ACTUAL place of origin had been wiped off the map. Cary rushed to show her support!

I’ve always loved that dusty outlaw look of the American West – the blue jeans,concho belts, six-shooter holsters, and tobacco-chewing bad attitude. But lately, in the aftermath of my hometown’s destruction, that love has turned into a bona fide craving.

Joplin is an outlaw town: site of Bonnie and Clyde’s infamous hideout and a legendary hitching post of Jesse James, its people are stoic, proud, and fiercely independent. Distrustful of all but the smallest government, yet warmly hospitable to any out-of-towner. “You must not be from ‘round here,” is followed by, “Need a beer?”

In this rare moment of hometown pride, I find solace in the sartorial: pull on theshit-kickers, the faded tee, and wish I had a shotgun to fire at beer cans on a Friday night. Or a wide front door to welcome everyone inside.

I’m sure Joplin, MO is just delighted that you put down your pathetic attempts to convince everyone you are east coast old money for 24 hours, just so you could have a “rare moment of hometown pride”.  That’s not at all uppity and condescending or anything, Mandolph.

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Can Pantene Please Sponsor Jen Already?

So I’ve been putting off commenting on this mess called Jen Whatsername‘s hair for a while now. I guess I keep hoping she will figure out where split ends come from and either invest in some Pro-Mend or go get a damn trim already.

Since it seems (between using her special blender to make baby food and playing dress up in too short clothing) she hasn’t had time to do the google and figure out why her hair looks like it has a beaver living in it, I thought GOMIBLOG could help her out.

BUY SOME DAMN CONDITIONER AND TRIM YOUR DAMN HAIR. There is no damn excuse for your hair to look like you set it on fire every morning. You’re welcome!

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Jordan Reid Doesn’t Care What People Think Except When She Does

Jordan Reid, pregnant and wearing what she wants by God, doesn’t care what you think of her outfits. Except, ya know, when people who are not GOMIBLOG think stuff about her outfits:

This Foley & Corinna crepe de chine tunic (on sale right now, FYI) is my kind of cocktail dress: gorgeous…and comfortable. That draping in the front also takes care of the Pregnant-Lady-In-A-Bar issue nicely…

Oh so now she cares what random strangers think of her being pregnant in stripper heels and a glorified kimono sipping seltzer in a bar? What happened to that “screw the haterz” attitude she was sooooo proud of a few days ago?

For all her smiles and I AM A JOYOUS GIVER OF LIFE crap, something tells me Jordan kind of hates being pregnant, or at least the unsexy getting huge part of it. She seemingly tries to camouflage it at every opportunity, and mentioned some ridiculous “people are staring at my belly on the subway” crap. I mean…fine, whatever, nobody has to love being a life oven, and I’d rather her covering it up than showing us her labia.

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Love Life Lace Posts tl;dr Flounce

Twatiana, of lovelifelace.com, is “simplifying” her life. This apparently includes streamlining her failblog of fakery into a more “organic” blog:

On to the TL;DR…

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Jessica Schroeder Quirk Finally Gets Some Down Time

Messica, inventor of posting pics of yourself in clothes to the internet and author of a soon to be bestselling book, kicked off her weekend early today:

Hand sewing on the porch with a glass of red! This weekend is off to an early start!about 3 hours ago via web

I know I’m not really one to talk here considering my work situation, but can’t her weekend technically start any day, any time? It’s not like she has a 40 hour a week office job that she plods through, counting the minutes until 5pm Friday. I don’t get her constant excitement over how it’s finally the weekend! Weekend at last! When you work from home 90% of the time, pretty much every day is Saturday. Calm down, woman.

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Julia Allison Continues To Cram Her Private Grief Down The Public’s Throat

It really appears to be pity party week on the internet. Jordan Reid feels harassed, and poor Julia Allison is still “grieving” the loss of her live-in love of two weeks.

Somehow the competing queens of “Look At Me, Look At My Drama” collided on Julia’s tumblr today when “Maria” showed up asking for clarification of a comment about Jordan from Julia’s post:

I’m surprised you mentioned the Jordan departure.  That seems so long ago, but I’m still SO curious about what happened.  I don’t remember you ever making any kind of official statement.

In a striking change of pace, Julia decided not to tell the entire universe something and kept it short in her response:

Yeah, Jordan’s departure contributed to my break down quite a bit. Meghan, Megan and I were all really upset about the way she handled it, but I’d rather not get into it. We’ve all moved on. I wish her the best.

Do you hear that, internets? They’ve “all moved on”. Stop asking what happened with some ex-sister and stick to the agenda – letting Julia talk about that guy she dated as often as possible. Or just let a woman grieve the loss of her soulmate in peace and privacy on the internet for everyone to see!

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Love Life Lace Wants You To Have Caviar For Breakfast

After her exhausting eat party in Vegas, Twatiana returned home…to eat.

Once you’ve made the blinis you’re going to need some caviar and creme fraiche. I prefer red caviar but you can use any as well as smoked salmon

Simply build your petite blinis, top them with some freshly chopped dill or green onions and enjoy!

They’re fantastic with a hot cup of tea for breakfast!

Um. Most of us barely have time to get some coffee or a pop tart, much less whip up blinis. And who the hell keeps caviar on hand? Anyone?

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Victim Of Harassment Jordan Reid Vows To Stay Strong

Jordan Reid, innocent victim of internet hatred and bullying, is rallying her GIRL POWER! You may recall that Jordan banned a commenter for daring to say she should rethink her nude hoof shoes – you know, seeing as she’s carrying another life and all. When Jordan saw that her former follower had shared her story in our comments, she went into typical spin mode, claiming the commenter was leaving rude comments and that her unapproved comments were full of “harassment”.

Unable to just let it go and move the hell on, Jordan proceeded to post this battle cry for coochie cutters:

OK, so yesterday a couple of charming people came running over here to get all hot and bothered about the fact that I wore shorts! And heels! And I’m pregnant!

How dare I?!

…no matter what, I do think it’s important to say something, to stand up for yourself.

I mean, women tearing down other women? About things like pregnancy, and motherhood, and personal expression? People who are mothers mocking pregnant women for wearing things that make them feel good? REALLY? It’s things like this that should bring us together, not inspire us to lob hatred at each other. It is such an opportunity for support, compassion, and friendship, and it’s sad to miss out on that. But when it comes down to it, your body and your style are your own, and anyone who wants to make you feel bad about anything from your weight to your home to your marriage to the shirt you’re wearing is completely unworthy of your time. And that’s unfortunate, because it’s always best to listen to others with an open mind whenever possible…but when it comes to people who want to hurt you to make themselves feel big, it’s also the truth.

Will I change for my baby? Possibly. Almost certainly. Maybe everything from the size clothing I wear to the music I listen to the things that I believe in and think are wonderful and special in this world will change. But if I change, it’ll be because I listened to myself and followed my heart in the direction of what I felt was right. Not because someone else told me that what I believed in was wrong.

So I’ll go ahead and wear my pink bikinis and hot pants with my big old tummy hanging right on out if I want to, thanks. And you can think I’m gross, or inappropriate, or “unmotherly” or whatever you like, and I suppose you can even make fun of me and shout about how disgusting and stupid I am from the rooftops if that’s what floats your boat.

But you can’t stop me.

So we are back to THIS again. Poor victimized white wealthy Jordan can’t handle people having opinions on her outfits. Boo hoo. If people telling you you’re a moron for dressing like a character from “King of the Hill” causes you such distress that you must gather your ‘followers’ into a cuddle puddle, I don’t have any idea how you are going to deal with the judgments and opinions of the mommy mafia.

It might be time to move to Hudson Valley and shutter that blog, sweetie.

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Jordan Reid Dresses Sensibly For A Mother To Be

Jordan Reid, of shillshacklesham, is rounding into month 5 or so of pregnancy. Is she putting away those 5 inch stilettos and coochie cutters and dressing in a mature and suitable way? Hell no! She’s up on that roof teetering about in heels and Stevie Nicks scarves (tied in the pregnopean way) and basically refusing to acknowledge that maybe she needs to just put her hipster fashion wannbe outfits in storage for a few months.

The Shorts are officially back.

I think the last time you saw them was in my ridiculous Aldo dancing video, but here they are again! And best get used to them, because they are about to become glued to my legs. Maybe I’ll take them off for a sec to patch up that hole. Maybe.

From May through September, I wear one of my many pairs of denim shorts (but usually the True Religion ones you see up there; those are my faves) very nearly every day. And then from September through early November, I wear them with tights. It is, as they say, “my thing.”

This, in fact, is probably the most “me” outfit you’ve seen in any style post thus far; it’s just exactly how I like to look and feel: miserable down towards the foot area, comfortable everywhere else.

But a little misery is worth it when your heels are nude skyscrapers that make your legs look miles long…and have HOT PINK SOLES. Am I right?

No, you are wrong. Stop trying to keep being Old Jordan. You are pregnant, honey. You have a protuding abdomen and you are far enough along to know the sex of your child. Put away the daisy dukes and nude “sky high” heels, stop prancing around on the roof of your building, stop trying to be the chic stylish unique mommy to be and think about your kid. If you fall in those shoes nobody will think it’s just adorable clumsy Jordan being a clutz. People will think you’re a moron who doesn’t care about the health and safety of your fetus.

Get a grip woman. You aren’t going to be Georgie Girl. Your days of being the hipster style blogger are over. Accept it.

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Love Life Lace’s Amazing, Sexy, Crazy Vegas Weekend

Lovelifelace.com‘s Twatiana went to Las Vegas with her “dashing husby” this past weekend. What did they do?

What do you think? Ate, of course. And ate. They ate at buffets, they ate by the pool:

She even sat in bed and ate:

This morning was beyond. New jammies, @TodayShow , room service and a good night’s sleep.3:28 PM May 13th via web

Macarons and the Amanda Knox movie in bed. The makings of a perfect evening!about 17 hours ago via web

I think we can all assume there is one thing they DIDN’T do in bed.

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Jessica Quirk Taught Us Absolutely Nothing




I didn’t want to watch this. I cannot stand this woman on video. Her voice grates me to no end, and she is such a stunted and uncomfortable speaker that I cringe on her behalf when she is trying to perform.


Anyway, I watched it. What in the HELL is this crap? I haven’t seen anyone talk so much and say so little since Julia Allison. I can only assume the TED organizers said “well, she does LIVE here…” I really hope that was their only reasoning behind the invitation, because it sounded like the only people cheering and hooting were the 4 people related to her in the audience.

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