Monthly Archives: June 2011

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And Now Commenter Floppy’s Guide To Fashion Blogger Speak

This comment tickled me to bits and I think it should be a watery highball post.

Real Life Guide to FASHUN BLAWGAR SPEAK

Remix=getting dressed, c’mon b***hes, are you guys being serious?
Cinemagraph=animated gif
Weekly Recap= I’m lazy as f**k to write a new post
Weekly Gratitude=time to show off how I maxed out my husband’s Visa by eating out/buying trendy useless item or begged for free shit and to circle jerk with some rando blogger that mentions my name
DIY=this is what I stole from a magazine/PBS show/Highlights magazine/Martha/1950′s homemaker book/some other blogger who stole it from some other blogger in Malawi
inspired
Husband/Boyfriend=the b***h that pays for everything, enabler, beta male, someone to withhold sex from if he doesn’t get you a $1,000 gift card to Anthropologie on your blog’s anniversary
C/O=I don’t even care if it’s a pack of hot dogs, if it’s free I’ll wear it like the whore that I am
Inspired By=copied
Date Night=I need to wear a dress to feel speshul for my blog so I make this up as an excuse to force the man to take my pictures being overly demure/sexy and to force him to take stupid food pictures at the restaurant and as an excuse to order some fatty ass dessert.
Haters=I can’t handle the truth.

My Good Friend=some chick with a blog that I occasionally holler at on twitter and whiteknight for on occasion

Commenter Floppy, thank you for making my day. And thank all you lovely catladies for making me snortlaugh on the regular.

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Jordan Reid Wants To Know What You Want

Jordan Reid, super popular and successful lifestyle blogger, is inviting her 207 readers to tell her what the hell to do with her blog:

Those of you who have been reading RG from the beginning may have noticed that there have been lots of changes over the past few months – for example, I introduced Style and Baby tabs, cut down a little on the out-and-about stuff (save for Weekend Snapshots and event coverage), and tried to step it up with the photography.

Style-wise, posts have, in general, gotten a little longer-form, and there are fewer of them on each page (to help with page-load speed). I’m always trying to keep making things better around here…so I have a question for you:

How can I give you more of what you like?

Specifically, I think my posts can be more or less divided into the following categories:

Recipes
Restaurants
NYC
Beauty
Giveaways/Contests
Baby-Related Stuff
Personal Style/Outfit Posts
Pregnancy Style
Home Decor
Accessible Decor (including “Get The Look” suggestions)
DIY
Gift Guides
Event Coverage
Wedding-Related Stuff
Personal Out-And-About Stuff (like Weekend Snapshots)
Personal Videos

So…are there any categories that you wish were more prominently represented? Any that you don’t particularly like? Anything that I haven’t focused on so far that you’d really like to see on RG in the future?

How about some informative content focusing on one or two areas that she actually might be GOOD at? The reason this Shillshackle Sham shit isn’t working is because Jordan tries too hard to appeal to EVERYONE – style bloggers, homemakers, diy thrifters, girls in Iowa who like pics of  NYC, mommy bloggers, future brides, women on a budget, women who like luxury goods. Enough already! She’s been at this internet fame chasing bullshit for 3 years now. She’s had countless profiles of herself and writing gigs on other blogs. She’s networked the ass out of herself going to events and trying to forge friendships with more successful bloggers. You’d think if she had anything to offer content wise, as opposed to just knowing people who can get her exposure, she would have gone somewhere with this idiotic hobby horse of hers by now.

Here’s some feedback, princess: use that million dollar education and get a job already. Stop trying to get famous for being skinny and blonde and living in NYC and do something useful with all that free time your privileged life affords you. Or just embrace your destiny and move to Hudson Valley, retire into upper middle class stay at home mommyhood, and stop trying to be a webutante already.

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We’d Like To Remind You That Cary Randolph Fuller Gets Paid To Write

Cary Randolph Fuller, WASPy relative of Jefferson, is supposedly a “Fashion Editor for Ralph Lauren”. We all know her wonderful ability to ramble on incoherently about nothing. Now she steps it up with her latest attempt to sound like Harper Lee on LSD:

Recurring themes.Summer morning, somewhere in Suburbia, open the front door of a red brick bungalow, walk down a short flight of steps, bare feet. He’s waiting in the driveway, standing next to the car, watching. I don’t know where we are going. I think we are married but am not certain if we are happy or have resigned ourselves to a lifetime of almost.

Indian summer evening, or maybe late spring, the in-between seasons, the end of a long sloping lawn that overlooks the water. Barefoot again. Sometimes pregnant, sometimes just wearing a dress with a very full skirt, and the wind picks up the skirt and makes it billow around me. Holding a watery highball full of something cold and undefinable. Shade my eyes against the sun and trudge up the hill to the patio, perhaps to rejoin a party, and there are a lot of children running around. Maybe ten years from now. Long hair in a braid like it never really is.

Entrances, knowing glances, entire conversations exchanged with eye contact and not a single word, parties on flagstone terraces and in overcrowded living rooms or sometimes just two of us driving somewhere or working in the same house but in different rooms. Stillness, the smell of gardens after thunderstorms, sand in the sheets, skin, depression, the sound of taffeta skirts, that feeling of knowing that he has betrayed me and not letting him know that I know, the canopy created by leafy branches over a two-lane road, a Dutch door painted blue, books on the nightstand. Wake up at the same time in the middle of the night and reach out to make sure the other is still there.

Can someone please explain to me WHAT THE F*** THIS IS? Why does she try so hard to force this weird writing style? Why can’t she just write something straightforward, something with a point? This is like listening to a wristwatch so long it starts sounding like words. Does she just throw word magnets on her fridge and then copy down the result?

It’s not even 10 am and I already want a drink after trying to sort out this drivel. Stick to talking about how white and old family you are, sweets.

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And Now A Brief Message Of Not Hate

From my paper this morning!

I’d just like to send out congratulations and hugs for everyone who can now be legally married in New York state:

Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed New York’s gay marriage bill into law late Friday, starting what is expected to be a crush of gay weddings starting in 30 days.

This is amazing news and hopefully ushers in a new era of true equality and acceptance for everyone who only wants to be free to love who they want. And feel free to invite me to your wedding.

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Jessica Quirk Reminds Us She Is Size Medium

In her ongoing effort to make us believe nothing has changed, Messica has been pulling on outfits from years ago. How do we know they are from years ago? Because she makes sure to tell us.

There are some dresses in my closet that get worn year after year and this is definitely one of them. It was actually what I wore in my first ever daily outfit photo four years ago!

Tuesday she crammed into the ill-fitting “chambray” dress, informing us that she’s worn it for the past three years. See, b***hes! No weight gain!  She can still fit in stuff she wore in Brooklyn! SIZE MEDIUM FOREVER!!!!

In other news, Messica is 5’9″ tall.

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Jordan Reid’s Shilling Is Just Sad Now

Jordan Reid, yeah sure nobody can tell you’re pregnant, has taken her shillposts to a sort of weird, sad new low. Her latest “sponsored post” is about the new movie “Monte Carlo”. That’s right, 30 year old Jordan Reid accepted $176 dollars to write a post about a cinematic vehicle for Selena Gomez.

Can we all agree that Selena Gomez is the cutest thing ever? Try as you might, the girl is just impossible not to like. And while I’ve never seen Gossip Girl (no, never…I know), I quite enjoy a little Leighton Meester fashion in my US Weekly, so there’s that.

You know what else is impossible not to like? Switcheroo ”teen finds his/herself in fantasy situation and ultimately discovers truth about who he/she really is” movies. Princess Diaries, 13 Going on 30, 18 Again (George Burns!)…all good. And Monte Carlo – Selena Gomez’s new movie, about an ordinary girl who gets mistaken for a heiress while on a fantasy trip to Paris with her best friends (that would be Leighton and Katie Cassidy) – is right in that teen-fantasy vein.

Sigh, it continues, but I can’t. You can read this embarrassment here. Honey, listen to mama Alice – GET A DAMN JOB. Have you really fallen so low that you are willing to shill out some shitty Disney movie to pay for your Forever 21 addiction? Aren’t you better than this? After two years of trying to make your blog happen aren’t you in a better position in your career than having to post crap like this? Come on.

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Love Life Lace Takes The Day Off

Love Life Lace, constant vacationer, arrived somewhere within a 50 mile radius of D.C. last week. Obviously a week long move-cation across the country meant it was time to take a well deserved day off yesterday:

I’m off to enjoy some of the key elements: water, sand & sun. I’ll be back tomorrow with something fun.

You do you, gurl! Get your relaxation on! I know it’s tough living with mom and dad and listening to your Beta Male complain about job searching. After all, it’s been at least six weeks since you took a 5 day “vacay” to Vegas. No wonder you’re so stressed out!

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Jessica Quirk Wants You To Join Her In Failure

Jessica Schroeder Quirk, married, totally thinks Bloomtucky is better than New York City. In fact  she actually takes a moment to bask in her own smugness when others decide to join her in the Outer Zone:

This is the woman who spent 4 years singing the praises of Brooklyn until she couldn’t afford it anymore. The woman who basically admitted that the only reason she moved back to Indiana is because her husband wanted to. She is so sure that the middle state college town she resentfully resides in is superior to yucky loud NYC. So sure that she takes a quiet moment of personal triumph when she thinks others are justifying her decision by joining her in the Midwest.

Honey, if you need others to fail out of New York in order to validate your decision, chances are you aren’t as happy about living out there as you try to make us all believe.

PS: Meeeeow!

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Rich Tong Found Girlfriend With OKCupid

In case you were wondering how Rich Tong, controller of internet fashion, met his naked teenage girlfriend she is happy to tell you:

“How did you meet Rich?”

OKCupid, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone and everyone looking for a significant other. I’ve experienced obviously very amazing and wonderful results, and I’ve heard only good things from friends!

Well that’s that. RIch went on a dating site looking for teenage models, and trust fund Lizzie needed to boost her public profile. DESTINY! Yeah, no. Unless you’re just really into taking a test to find out if you’re a rapist, you now have a  reason to avoid the hipster sex hookup known as OKCupid.

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Cary Randolph Finally Doing The Hamps

Cary Randolph Fuller, more American than you, has finally snagged a coveted summer season trip to the OMG HAMPTONS:

Heading east today for the first ever (in-season) trip to the Hamptons. Something tells me it will be more fun than it was in February.

I will honestly never get the whole pants pissing over the Hamptons. It’s fun for a couple of years from college till about 25. Then you can do the young hot bikini drunk girl blowout party scene. But during the stretch between party’s over 25 and long beach walks while reflecting on your divorce 45, unless you have kids or something, it’s just a place where you can score an overpriced meal and spend a few hours on the beach. Hell, you can do that on Coney Island.

Anyway, Mandolph is going. I’m sure the Further Lane set will delight in her humblebragging about her lineage while she scans the room for eligible old family men, or drinks crap beer by the pool in her monokini.

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Love Lies Lace Has Feelings About Moving

Twatiana, who streamlined her blogging, finally tells all about her big move:

The past four weeks have really tested my patience, strength, faith and nerves. For a type A personality like mine it was tough to deal withe innumerable surprises that seemed to pop up on every corner – as if our life was a video game. Flexibility was key. “Rolling with the punches” was our tag line. I likened every day to those last fifteen horrific minutes on a treadmill, when you can’t possibly do it anymore but you keep going. To say we were running on empty by the end was a understatement. It was all about the “les petites victoires.”

Yet the one thing we never questioned was that we were doing the right thing. And maybe in some subconscious was it was that that kept propelling us… moving us forward. I suppose that’s when you really know you made the right choice – when it’s hard as hell but it’s still worth it.

And even though I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally I couldn’t help but smile. Smile as I sat at dinner with my husband’s family, smile when I walked through my parents home full of warmth and love, smile as we drove through the familiar landscape of rolling hills and lush trees, smile as I stepped on the hot cobblestone of Georgetown… I’m home. It was worth it.

Wait…wtf? She basically just said…nothing. Maybe she’s so vague because rumor has it that she and her Beta Male have moved in with her parents until he finds a new job. Can’t have the internet know life isn’t a big pink cupcake of win and happy! Much better to ramble off some fake introspective bull. Hopefully the tales are wrong and we will soon hear all about decorating a nursery and her new volunteer job at a sunshine and kitten factory.

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Fashion Blogging Pro Tip: Repeat Your Poses

Cherry Blossom Girl, some French chick who likes to roll around in her underwear, is apparently a pretty popular fashion/lifestyle blogger (probably because she likes to roll around in underwear). And CBG knows the first rule of myspace photo posing: find your angle and do it over and over and over!

Like Paris Hilton’s hand-hip-shoulder pop and Tinsley Mortimer’s scissor stance, CBG has created a signature pose: the show-off-your-manicure-face-touch. Like Jean Nate bath splash you can never get too much of it, and CBG treats us to this pose repeatedly on the first few pages of her blog.

Really though, the only comment I can make on this observation is “at least she doesn’t do pigeon toe poses”.

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Sarah Lacy Is The Only Pregnant Woman In Existence

Sarah Lacy, not going to turn into a mommy blogger, won’t shut up about her fetus.

lovely dinner at a pizzeria in haarlem. speaking at the creative company conference tmrw then back to the US. baby not liking the jetlag :( 6 Jun via web

in fact i only have four more keynotes pregnant left! will have to wean the baby off the adrenaline rush. 7 Jun via web

omfg. has a baby ever broken ribs from kicking inside the womb? i’ve got pele up in here. UGH. 7 Jun via web

should have been scared when one of the ultrasound photos just showed a HUGE FOOT. i’m totally going to kick him when he’s a teenager. 7 Jun via web

uh oh. due date is sept 2 and disrupt is not until *sept 12.* who votes that @arrington will expect me there? 7 Jun via web

he’s been all over indonesia, nigeria, berlin and amsterdam, but next time my baby leaves US soil he’ll be *outside* the womb. 8 Jun via web

Well then. Looks like Ms. “I am NOT becoming a mommy blogger” is becoming a damn mommy blogger. Every day some new pregnancy complaint or remark about how her fetus is so well traveled. She’s tired! She’s jet lagged! Her body hurts! How come every time one of these attention whores gets pregnant they act like they are the first woman to ever have an organ full of their genetic code?

Seriously, I have no problem with pregnant married people. But she is the one who assured us she wouldn’t turn into a fetus blogger. Now every day we have to be reminded that The Sarah Lacy, of The Sarah Lacys, is graciously providing the planet Earth with a son of her very own dna. Just take it down a notch is all I’m saying.

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