Monthly Archives: February 2012

Lifestyle Blogging Mommy Blogging WTF

Penelope Trunk Thinks Dooce Is Delusional And The Rest Of You Are In Denial

Penolope Trunk, person who claims to be influential, just couldn’t resist fishing for her own pageviews by posting a linkbait aside at Dooce.

Apparently Miss Trunk feels she is the world’s authority on divorce because, you know, she went through one, and obviously all divorces and their causes are exactly the same. She feels she knows enough about every person’s circumstances to declare that there is no excuse for divorce – and then blasts Il Dooce in what is surely the entire reason for this uninformed garbage of a post:

Heather Armstrong is a great blogger who I have followed for years. But I’m really stuck on the news that she just announced a separation from her husband.

Armstrong supports her family with her blog, dooce.com, which is about herself, so of course, I watch her really closely. In her post announcing that she had asked her husband to leave, she said the two common, and delusional things we hear from divorced parents all the time:

“I can’t be a good parent if I’m not happy and I’ll never be happy in this marriage.”

and

“The kids are doing so well. Kids are really resilient.”

I’ve heard those things so many times. From parents who are getting a divorce who are full of shit.

The dad who tells everyone he got a divorce because his wife is crazy and then leaves his kids with the mom. Newsflash: if your wife is really crazy, then you are crazy for leaving your kids alone with her. In fact, you are not crazy, you’re willfully negligent. And if your wife is not really crazy then get your butt back to the house and raise your kids like an adult.

She then goes on to announce that divorce “reflects mental illness” and “is for dumb people”. And her brilliant advice for women in abusive marriages? “ It takes two people to fight. And there’s great research to show that if you picked an asshole the first time, you’ll pick the same type of asshole the second time. (Which is why divorce rates for second marriages are so much higher than first marriages.) So instead of getting rid of your kids’ parent, figure out why you picked a person like this, and then get good at drawing boundaries.”

I don’t know if this woman is just stupid, or is so high on the smell of her own farts that she believes anything she creates in her brain is gold and must be shared. All I do know is, if I want bad advice about marriage I’ll go read Kate Gosselin interviews.

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Mommy Blogging

Dooce Doesn’t Want Your Feedback, Jerks

Heather Armstrong, IL DOOCE, is unraveling faster than a twice washed Ikea couch blanket. After her estranged husband posted some thoughts about her sponsored guest room on his blog, a few readers came forward in her post about the project with some criticism about the partnership – and her website in general.

Dooce didn’t take comments like “Cami has her own blog. If I was interested in how she chose to look homeless today, I would read that blog” too well. Her response was to post a picture of her dog with the word “JERK” on his head. When people around the internets implied such a reaction might be a bit out of line, she went into full-on “eff you” mode in her next “style” post:

Oh, look. I’m still posting pictures of Cami, my best friend, she who has been more supportive of me during this horrific time than anyone else in my life. And some of you object to this. If you are in that group I have a couple of suggestions for you. One, don’t look at her photos. It’s that simple. Two, see suggestion one. Three, I hope for you that if you’re ever feeling as vulnerable as I am that strangers wouldn’t nitpick your every move. Publicly.

Yes, jerks. I hope that when you put your entire life in front of the public and use the public to finance your life you never have to listen to anything but positive feedback from the public! Such an antagonistic stance is thrown into stark relief against the cautious optimism and seeming neutrality of her husband Jon’s blog.

It is unknown whether Dooce’s behavior is turning away readers. I can’t imagine that such a spiderific empire as hers would suffer if she lost even 20% of her audience. Still, it doesn’t make her look very endearing to basically tell the people who are paying her bills to stuff it up their jumper. I know this is a tough time and all, but business is business, lady. Maybe she was always this hypersensitive and Jon kept her in line? If that’s the case, she should get herself a new handler, pronto!

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Internets

Female Helplessness Continues To Trend

Meghann, has some healthy living blog, now joins Jordan “lol I can’t remember to lock my door” Reid in the internet’s latest trend – adult ineptitude.

Grown human person Meghann tried to make her first ever pot of coffee. Apparently she failed to comprehend the quantum mechanics level difficulty of such a task, and her coffee turned out poorly. Lest the entire planet fail to be aware that she is just so adorably incompetent she jumped right on twitter to alert us all of her failure at performing a basic task that millions somehow accomplish daily.

Look, ladies. If you can’t manage to not burn yourself while cooking and you are unable to figure out basic daily living without sounding like a nincompoop, at least keep it to yourselves. It’s not cute and it doesn’t make you relatable or ‘real’. It makes you sound like an adult child who can’t make it through the day without supervision. If you must play into the ‘helpless little woman’ stereotype at least attempt to stop embarrassing the millions of women who are fighting against such images.

I can’t wait for this ‘precious little klutz’ trend to end.

BTOA: Even Messica is helping the cause:

Keep it up, ladies! Another ten years of this and we can reverse suffrage at last!

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Internets

PandoDaily Is Winning The Internet

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to call up one of your very rich friends and ask for some startup money? Well not anymore! Silicon Valley visionaries Sarah Lacy and Paul Carr have magnanimously decided to show you what that experience is like, with a weekly segment called Why Isn’t This News? In it Lacy and Carr spend 30+ minutes (I have yet to sit through an entire episode) doing everything possible to assure you and most importantly themselves that yes, they are indeed clever and hilarious people.

I won’t even post the latest video here because I doubt anyone even wants to try and tolerate even 10 minutes of this stuff but I will paraphrase a few key moments:

Carr: *blah blah blah* *blah blah* damn shit *blah*
Lacy: That’s so true. By the way my baby just brought me a beer.

Carr: This product is great because it’s easy to find in your purse, you go “ah, it’s right here, next to the…”
Lacy: Diapers [by the way, Lacy had a kid a while back. Try to keep up.]
Carr: Right, diapers, and whatever else women carry around.

Lacy: It’s so terrible what happened to Path and Dave Morin. I’ve been the victim of witch hunts too. By the way have you seen my new baby? Here he is right now. BABY.

I have no idea how that video is supposed to be illuminating. Half of it is Lacy and Carr congratulating each other on being brilliant managers/writers/human beings and the other half is a mishmash of woefully flat jokes, mentions of Lacy’s son (she had a baby a while back. Try to keep up) and…well I have no idea what else went on because the sound quality on Lacy’s end is so poor. Yeah, nothing says “bleeding edge of technology” quite like crappy Skype video where the audio cuts off unexpectedly.

You know what else says “bleeding edge of technology?” A xenophobic, condescending article whose thesis is that no other country on the planet will ever have a Silicon Valley, so they should just leave all that complicated entrepreneurial stuff to the United States. Of course, the kid who wrote that – who isn’t even old enough to drink legally yet – is going to be sent around America to learn about startups outside the Silicon Valley echo chamber. Riiight.

You guys, it’s only Monday and PandoDaily has already used up all my “I can’t”‘s for the week. I should probably just crawl into bed and stay there until Sunday.

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Mommy Blogging

Mr. Dooce Starts Spilling About Split

Jon Armstrong, arguably the better half of the Dooce.com empire, has started opening up about his separation from his wife Heather.

He begins by addressing the many questions he’s received asking why he would help Heather out with her latest project – helping his future ex-wife film a sponsored post featuring free furniture when he apparently was forced into an apartment with nothing. In a long post, Jon talks about what he calls “Recent Events”:

Many of you might wonder why the hell I’d agree to help Heather. And I’m with you. I’ve asked myself this question plenty. I should mention that I’m still a partner of Armstrong Media. It’s in my interest to have the business be successful. By extension, it’s in my interest for Heather to be successful. It’s also been a great opportunity to work on the necessary changes in the relationship dynamic that I need to make. It has not been easy work. Being at the house and working in the office has been a challenge on more than just an emotional level…Coming back home to work has forced more than a few realizations.

At the forefront is the abundance of ironies. That Heather is outfitting a guest room via help from a sponsor while I shop for furniture for my new place is one of the more bittersweet ones.

After admitting that most people “have correctly surmised that I didn’t want this separation”, he offers what appears to be a glimpse into married life with Mrs. Dooce:

I’ve also made an effort to be positive despite the deep, deep pain that I feel every day. It’s difficult to be told that you did it wrong for years and take a look back and feel the deep regret that if only you’d known you were doing it wrong, you could have made changes and done the work that would have fixed the wrongness. How does one handle this gracefully? I don’t know. I’m trying.

There doesn’t seem to be any mentions either of marriage counseling or divorce lawyers, but it doesn’t sound like Heather is making much effort to repair the relationship beyond being “very nice” to her estranged husband. And Jon seems to view his continued work with her as purely business – “looking out for myself professionally, I’d be kind of stupid to pass up some work on a high profile website because of Recent Events”.

Where will this wind up? It’s impossible for the millions of people who have watched their lives for years not to speculate on what’s going on, or where things will go. Maybe it’s impossible even for Jon and Heather. As Jon sums up his post, “Crazy times, people. Crazy times.”

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Fashion Blogging

Jessica Quirk Doesn’t Even Care Anymore

Jessica Quirk, so French, is inexplicably still posting to her What I Wore blog. Today’s mediocre offering shows Messica utilizing the classic Hide The Roll Half Tuck with yet another striped shirt.

But Messica doesn’t care what you think (except when she does):

I bought this top over the weekend. Another. Striped. Top. Whatever! I know what I like! And the best part is that it’ll work year round and with so many pieces I already have in my closet. Win, win!

Is it just me or is Messica really let her beyotchy defensive flag fly these days? Is she pregnant and hormonal? Is she bitter about not attending Fashion Week? Is she frustrated with the process of growing out her hair? For someone who preaches positivity and letting people live their lives judgment free she’s certainly got a lot of opinions on other people these days. Maybe she’s finally starting to regret that move to Bloomtucky Indiana and just doesn’t care anymore. Nothing says ‘I give up’ like not even tucking in your shirt all the way.

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Lifestyle Blogging

Jenna Cole Is Checking Up On You

Jenna Cole, monetized, monetizes her blog. Like most of the other mommy/lifestyle/whatever bloggers, she sometimes writes up product reviews in sponsored posts, and gives away whatever it is the company sends her.

Recently she ran a review for some company’s skin cream. After saying a lot of nothing about the product, she offered some earrings she had lying around from Poland as a gift to someone who followed her twitter or pinned something on the latest time waster for women addicted to Google Image Search.

Apparently the deceitful winner did neither, and Jenna Justice prevailed:

As soon as she gets accepted to BYU and reads e-books for two months, she will be a college graduate. Maybe the next time you “low educated” giveaway thugs try to pull the wool over Jenna’s eyes you’ll remember that The Eyes Of Powerpoint are upon you!

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Healthy Living Blogging

Fitnessista Reminds You That New Moms Should Be Worshipped

Gina of Fitnessista, the site that proves adding an -ista to anything makes you instantly glam, had a baby. Since pushing a vessel for combined dna out of a vagina makes one an automatic expert free from critique, Gina felt it was high time someone told you people what is expected of you when you visit Princesss Mom.

Gina advises you to bring over food, and “help out by picking up some neglected chores while they’re over: dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc”. You should also “return overdue library books, address thank-you cards, send out packages/mail”, and last but not least keep your opinions and parenting tips to yourself.

And the baby? You know, the REASON you came over to visit? Forget it:

The thing is, many people will want to come over and hold the baby, but the last thing a mom really needs help with is holding their own child. ..The mom could use help with so many other things and there will always be chances to hold and snuggle the baby after the parents have things figured out a little better.

So to all you selfish jerks who show up to hold the new arrival, please remember that just because there is a baby in the room doesn’t mean the focus should ever be off Princess Mom. You are there to serve her needs!

Not that Gina’s opinions are new – Avital posted nearly this exact post about a year ago. I guess Princess Mom flu is going around.

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Lifestyle Blogging

HelloBrit Continues to Gross Out the Internet With “Creativity”

HelloBrit, the wildly successful shill/crapft/food/omgTECH site, thrills tens of readers with yet another round of hilariously bad ideas.

Brit’s sad attempts at treating us to super duper creative recipes left us vomiting and longing for more crapfts. Since laser etching, spray painting and binder clip “hacks” are all she has in her crafting arsenal, Brit hired someone who apparently thinks that germy old foam coated in everyone’s foot funk is safe for food and that rubber mats “could be oven mitts, pot holders, flat-iron holders for travel, etc.” 

20 Creative Ways To Repurpose Old Yoga Mats
After years of downward dogs and sun salutations, it’s time to retire your very first yoga mat. That bright baby blue just isn’t doing the trick, and you need an upgrade. But no need to throw that old mat away, give it a good wash and get ready to get crafty. As it turns out, yoga mats are ridiculously versatile for repurposing, from flip flops to laptop covers to keychains to koozies!

Toe Jam Sun Salutation Flakes are a part of a complete breakfast! Namaste!

This liner not only keeps spatulas from shifting, it also adds a certain je ne sais quoi  to every meal.

Lost the cork to your Two Buck Chuck? Can’t finish your 40 of Olde English? Don’t fret, jam a foot into it!

I don’t know about you guys but when I’m doing yoga, the last thing I’m thinking is how to get the mat any closer to my mouth than Inverted Staff pose. My Pro! Tip! is that she should just  stick to making HelloShitty her own glorified Pintrest board and keep reposting old crap from ApartmentTherapy and pushing the entire ThinkGeek catalog. Leave the DIY and cooking to those of us who  actually have hand-eye coordination.

Edit: I just HAD to include this link to Dave Morin’s shenanigans.

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Mommy Blogging

Dear Internets, Project Baby Needs You To Be Her Pediatrician

Project Baby, #19082348727290487 in your Mommy Blogger catalog, is worried about her child. It seems her baby likes to eat a lot of food, more than she feels Baby Socialite should be eating.

I have this fear she is overeating. But here is the kicker: she is SO not even close to overweight. She has a tiny bit of baby tummy and chubby cheeks, but honestly? She is pretty lean. Did I mention I am still nursing her 5 times a day?

My sister in law suggested she might have a super high metabolism like me. This could be the case, but I don’t recall my mom saying I ate like a trucker at eight months old. The truth is that I am concerned. She seems healthy and happy, but I just never imagined a baby could eat so much so often.

Off topic, but it’s pretty impressive how she manages to work in a way to bring up her high metabolism every 10th post. Anywhores, apparently her kid eats a pallet of food a day and Kristi (or Kristin, or Karrot, or whatever her name is, I can’t read her ‘signature’ and I can’t be arsed to look it up) is not only worried about her physical health, but wonders if she is to blame for the food hoovering:

Another fail: we are totally guilty of using food as a way to pacify. I just assumed she was crabby because she was hungry (which could be true), but throwing food at her every time she is upset doesn’t seem like the right strategy. Have I screwed her up forever???

No honey, that makes you Italian. I kid! That was racist. So how does Whatshercarrots handle this little situation? Call her mom or friends with kids? Take Baby Socialite to see the physician familiar with things like mediciney health topics and her child’s medical history? Head to google or WebMD?

Nope! She wants advice from YOU, internets! That’s right, on the off chance that someone on the internet studied infant gastronomics at Phoenix University and is willing to diagnose a baby they’ve never met, That Hair is asking you, kind strangers, to tell her what is going on:

I’m feeling anxious about the whole thing. I need someone to tell me that their baby also eats everything in sight. Anyone? Hello?

I may be a bitter/fat/wrinkled/cynical hag, but I really feel like shouting this sort of question into an empty closet would provide answers about as applicable as asking a bunch of people on the internet who don’t know your kid. If one minute she’s wringing her hands because her kid wants some of her bread, and the next she’s going “Maybe she has my high metabolism, did I mention I have a high metabolism this week, because I have a really high metabolism”, then I’m thinking maybe this isn’t quite the grisly “Michelle Williams on the train having an eat carnival in ‘Species‘” scene she makes it out to be.

Then again I don’t have a baby, so I’m sure I’m not allowed to give advice. So let me give you some advice about your babies: when you have a question about their health maybe ask a doctor.

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Fashion Blogging

New York Fashion Week Begins, Internet Already Bored

OMGFASHIONWEEK has begun in New York City, and it’s already shaping up to be a non-event. After all, how exciting can it be when even Messica isn’t attending anything?

Even tumblr has said ‘eff it’. With the departure of Rich Tong they are hardly bothering; after a couple of seasons of ‘no1curr’ from the fashion industry they are no longer bothering to fly in “20 bloggers handpicked by Rich Tong Tumblrs from around the world”. Instead, they have selected 5 local “emerging voices in fashion” (read: people you have never heard of) to post stuff under their “NYFW” tag.

What is going on? Are bloggers no longer able to get sponsors to send them to New York in exchange for blurry instagrams? Are Fashion Week planners finally sick of a bunch of nobodies clogging their shows and events and finally locking their doors to random bloggers? Does anyone really care?

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Lifestyle Blogging

Cary Randolph Can’t Do Adulthood Well

Well, I’ve learned my lesson. I took a short break from GOMIBLOG and almost missed some more word vomit from our very own Scary Mandolph:

Recently: standing at the kitchen counter, attempting to peel a hardboiled egg. The white kept coming off with the shell until there was hardly any left, and I stood there, pissed off, late, a million things to do, thinking, “How am I going to do this when I’m a mom?” That’s the question I ask whenever these mundane tasks don’t come easy, like removing an egg shell in one deft maneuver, the flat side of the thumb, the way my dad does it over the sink. He makes it look simple, but it’s not so simple. It’s a craft. And I worry that in ten, fifteen years, when there’s a passel of children pulling on my skirt hem, rolling their sippy cups across the linoleum, screaming for their breakfast, how will I breeze through the mindless bullshit without losing my mind? Example: opening a can of soup over the sink without losing the grip of the can in the opener and dropping the can and spilling all the soup? Or laundry? Loads and loads of laundry? Or hauling groceries into a car and a child in a car seat at the same time in the rain, and the hubby’s on the phone, “What’s for dinner, darling?” How does anyone do that? (I can see my mother now, reading this, saying aloud to her iPad screen, “For God’s sake, Cary, stop THINKING so much.”)

Christ on sale, what the shit is that about? I’ve peeled hard boiled eggs and even used manual can openers for years and I’m not even a (omg) mother. Also, how do you even manage to “peel” an egg and end up taking off the white too? Is she whacking at the thing with a steak knife? All that aside, I don’t know why Mandolph even thinks she’ll have to do any of this stuff once she marries the Kennedy-Vanderbilt-Guinness-Mortimer-de’ Medici-bank account of her dreams. Rich people have servants to do this stuff. I’m no WASP, but I just assume daddy’s too busy banging younger women and mommy’s too busy drinking to care about actually using *gasp* kitchen appliances.

Honestly this looks like something Poundcake would write, and once you’ve hit that level there’s really not much hope. It’s normal for someone to be nervous about raising a child, but don’t eggs and can openers seem like really minor worries? I can’t wait until people stop treating every single aspect of their lives, no matter how insignificant or annoying, as The Link that Binds Us All Together as Humans or something like that.

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Healthy Living Blogging

KERF Finally Admits She’s Pregnant

Kath Younger, bread specialist, has a bun in the oven. Since there seems to be some competition on the internet about who can announce their pregnancy in the most original way, she couldn’t just announce the news with two words. Instead, she created some weird form of Pictionary, telling her readers to “connect the dots”:

What’s with the orange juice? The cereal? The mac n cheese? In fact, why is there cheese in every meal I eat?…And perhaps most obvious: where are all the vegetables?! Why have some of my posts seemed so aloof they elicit a round of comment complaints?Why did I claim sickness for a few days? Why are my jeans so TIGHT!?

Etc, etc.  If you go by these questions, KERF has been pregnant for about a year so I’m not sure how she expected anyone to guess. Thankfully she gathered all her powers of creativity and announced “……………because the bread menu is going to change late this summer. A new loaf is rising.”

So at last KERF has picked her square on Blogger Bingo so she can level up in blogland – have a baby! I wonder how she will break the news to the bears?

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