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Monthly Archives: November 2013
As bloggers spent yesterday abusing instagram with overly staged and filtered images of their pinterest inspired dinners, Hey Natalie Jean The Fat Rat gave thanks for finally fulfilling “a lifelong dream” – letting a Jewish person think she’s Jewish:
so, i fulfilled a lifelong dream tonight! by columbus circle on jewish holidays there are always a group of hassidic men asking me if i’m jewish. i ALWAYS get asked (i suppose because i look jewish), and i always say no (i wish!), but i’ve always wanted to know what would happen if i said yes! so tonight when the nice hassidic man asked me if i was jewish, i said yes! well, no. actually brandon said “i’m not, but she is!” which was sweet. making a wife’s dream come true!
Saying that “being jewish would kick ass” she then expressed happiness that the portable Chanukah kit the Hasidic gentleman handed her “goes real nicely with the (electric) (blue) menorah we already have”. She then wished those of the “gorgeous faith” a “happy chanukah” and ended by saying she is “honored to look so jewish all the time”.
Dooce, awareness raiser, has returned from her trip to Haiti. Did she post a long, moving piece detailing what she saw, how it changed her view of her own privilege, and discussing ways to help the mothers of Haiti? Did she mention the goals and programs of Every Mother Counts, the group that took her to the island? Did she provide ways to donate to the cause or talk about various ways her readers could help?
Of course not. Readers instead got a post sponsored by a cruise line about her desert vacation with Noseride back in October. In addition to a couple of pageview increasing photos of her boyfriend, she informed us that she can’t wait until her children are older so she can take them on trips, saying a “whole new world will open up, a world of foreign languages and warm beaches”. These bastions of foreign language include Florida, Boston, DC, San Francisco, London, Vancouver, and Palm Springs. Oh what exotic learning experiences await!
She did finally get around to posting something about Haiti today – a pretty picture of pretty children going to church. Dooce bravely attended, perhaps fortified by her de-stress essential oil, despite “the blinding heat, an incessant and punishing temperature that never subsided”.
We await a post that might have something meaningful about the experience that would possibly justify her being part of what was totally not poverty tourism trip.
MamaPop, sort of like Babble but with even less of a point, will be shutting down this month after 7 years online. “Amalah” explains that since the site founders have found real jobs now, they’re just sort of over it:
And to be frank, after seven years here, MamaPop is starting feel a lot more like a chore than a joy…So we’re done. The site will stay up until the end of this month, and then Mary Tyler Moore will pause at the door, turn around, give the ol’ place one last look (and a knowing, grateful smile)…and switch the lights off for good.
Saying they have instructed their writers to grab whatever content they created if they want to save it, Amy closed by reminding everyone that MamaPop used to do the now defunct Sparklecorn parties.
Dooce is on the road yet again. Evidently since this trip doesn’t involve her boyfriend (which she mentioned with the requisite teehee of “oops! Did I just mention him? I did. Well, what’s done is done”) she did her readers the courtesy of explaining her travel plans:
Why Haiti? About 75% of mothers there give birth at home without a skilled birth attendant or access to emergency obstetric care. Haiti suffers the worst maternal and infant mortality rates in the Western Hemisphere.
Faced with such a trip, Dooce decided to take the opportunity to post about her travel “basics”. And what “basics” are required for a trip to a poverty torn nation in order to raise awareness for Every Mother Counts? Nearly $600 worth of essentials like a $225 backpack, a silk sleep mask, a crate of Lara bars, $30 “de-stress essential oil”, and $100 yoga pants, of course.
Explain this to me: Dooce is going to celebrate the graduation of some Haitian midwives, and she’s worried about making sure she has her de-stress essential oil rollerball and her hair dryer? She’s aware that she’s not Beyonce, right? Am I the only one that finds this just incredibly tone deaf? If she wants to disprove accusations of ‘poverty tourism’ she’s doing it all wrong.
That’s right: “a really f**king tall weeping angel”. In case there’s any doubt, her little daughter also scrawled the words “real tall f**king weeping angel” across her drawing. When instagram followers asked her why she would be proud of her 7 year old using such salty language, ole Cecily replied “you don’t know me at all”.
So…is shore leave language now acceptable for kids under 10? I haven’t been in third grade for a while, so maybe nowdays it’s acceptable for kids to just run around saying f*ck. Someone clue me in on this, I’d hate to be the old fuddy duddy who finds such vulgarity in a child to be a real shame to their parents, not a moment of boast worthy pride.
I’m not sure if there is an easy way to say you’re going to stop doing something that you once loved so much. ..I’m tired of stats, numbers, people trying to climb some invisible ladder to nowhere. It’s changed. I miss the old days. It’s time for me to stop for now.
Saying she’s “felt like closing this place up countless times over the years, but this time I know it’s the real deal”, she went on to explain that she’s reached a point where she would rather be with her kids than blog about them.
Mandajuice, don’t forget she’s skinny now, recently declared “I clearly drink too much”. Saying “if I only have 3 drinks in a night, I consider that a GOOD night. That’s… sobriety”, she went on to explain what she plans to do about the situation:
…I have ZERO intention of quitting. I will never join a 12-step program. I will never surrender my addiction to a higher power. I think AA is horse shit.
Instead, Mandajuice will simply live around her drinking:
…I’d rather work on harm reduction – never EVER driving after drinking. Never drinking with strangers or on first dates. Staying “sober” around my kids. Always making sure someone else is around who can help if needed. Taking a thousand vitamins a day, drinking my body weight in water and pounding as many antioxidants as I can to counteract the physical effects. Eating well. Running.
She then announced she will, in fact, stop drinking for the month of November. Why? Well in addition to saving money and just to “see” if she “can do it”:
…mostly there is one BIG reason – I’ve gained weight. My clothes don’t fit. It’s making me uncomfortable. It’s that simple.
She hasn’t “made it longer than a week in, well, YEARS” and doesn’t believe in seeking formal help, so she’s asking everyone what to expect during her sober month. Because if there’s anything that has been proven time and again to keep people from drinking, it’s the internet.
There’s nothing I admire more than someone who declares themselves an alcoholic taking pride in refusing to stop drinking unless it’s for some month long vanity challenge. I’m sure everyone with experience with alcohol abuse finds her truly inspirational. If only everyone who couldn’t make it through life without booze could have her willpower without the “horse shit” of AA. I guess all it really takes is some vitamins and some too tight pants to make folks put down the bottle. Someone should alert the rehab community that they’re doing it wrong!
dooce.com, website of influential media lady and former stately manor owner Heather Armstrong, has been down for at least 7 hours and an amazing thing has happened – absolutely nothing. The website that allegedly made upwards of $50k a month just two short years ago and reportedly has hundreds of thousands of fans has been unavailable for most of the day…and yet not a peep about it has been found anywhere on social media. Evidently even her rabid poodles no longer care whether dooce.com exists or not.
Could such indifference be proof of the end of dooce.com’s reign as Ruler of Blogland?
Shauna Ahern, famous for her recipes, is tired of helping you people with those recipes. After years of publishing perfectly crafted instructions for gluten free food items, she is “done” providing the ungrateful masses with substitutions and clarifications:
I posted the recipe this morning…Within an hour, I had a request from a different person asking how to substitute every single ingredient in the recipe…I am not kidding…So here’s the deal. I’m done. I’ve tried hard for years to figure out the substitutions because I don’t want anyone else to feel left out…I can’t make every substitution for you. I just won’t do it anymore.
Asking readers if they “know how much work it takes to create a grain-free, dairy-free, and egg-free dinner roll that is actually good” she went on to detail the extent of her culinary martyrdom:
In the midst of the time when we are developing five recipes a day, six days a week, for an impending cookbook deadline? (I’ll leave off the rest of our lives, the exciting developments and the daily duties of being parents to a very active five-year-old.) I don’t throw recipes up there lightly.
Don’t you people know how busy she is? For fork’s sake they are drowning in a sea of fundraising their gastrotour and trying to figure out why they can’t find the perfect baby. They can’t be expected to help you sort out how to make their recipes because they “worked hard to make that particular recipe, not the one you need”. OMG people, just use Google!
Couples & Co., a website that helps you have “a more blissful union”, is ready to take a stand against all you deceitful women who do anything to change your appearance. In this post they declare that women who attempt to alter their looks are committing ‘fraud’:
This woman frankly should not have been able to reproduce because she’s the carrier of genetic refuse. ..Beauty is not skin deep, it’s in your genes and if you think otherwise you’re the shallow one here.
Now, he’s not trying to be mean to you ugly ladies. He’s just looking out for the progeny he intends to produce:
For me as a man, I look at a woman’s body and her features to guage how healthy she is physically and if she would produce good children for me because frankly I’m shopping for a good mother for my children. Sure, once I’ve ascertained that the woman in question is healthy and well-formed, then I’ll worry about her IQ and maternal temperament, but I make no apologies for selecting out the biologically weak women because this is my children’s future and a good parent cares about the future they give their children.
Because obviously the most important thing you can give to your children is…good looks. Sure, that’ll be all they need.
Look, it’s one thing to not be a huge champion of plastic surgery. But to say a woman is ‘genetic refuse’ because she decides to modify herself to better conform to the standards that most societies demand of them is a bit much. It’s stupid to say that you pretty much only value women for their looks, and then declare that women aren’t allowed to do anything to improve what they were born with in order to satisfy your gaze. If you want to limit your dating pool to the 283 women on the planet who are natural supermodels that’s your affair, but do you need to assign all other women to a lower genetic tier in the process?