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Monthly Archives: October 2016
Ok it’s redacted all to howdy, but you get the idea. I guess I just don’t understand why this activity needs to be posted to a public instagram account.
Mckinli Hatch, wears bikinis, and her husband, a jock or something, are ready for Halloween. The two blonde haired caucasians formulated a racially sensitive and topical couples costume that brought attention to…wait, what the hell?
Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh. Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh. I uh…I’m about the least thoughtful person alive but even I know this costume is probably in really, really poor taste for two white people. Wow. I mean…kudos on being #brave and following your #dream or whatever. Don’t let the costume haters keep you down! Wealthy white people costumes matter!
Cecily Kellogg, “social media manager”, posted one of her classic omg everyone please notice me shock-jock rants the other day over on that site where washed up/wannabe bloggers go to try and feel relevant.
Her fertility struggles worked out in the end because now she has her free-to-be-sexy pansexual tween daughter, but she trots out the 12 year old tale of her twins with a different spin at least once a year. Now she has repackaged her Did You Know I Lost Twin Babies Fifty Thousand Years Ago story to be SEO-friendly during this time of Cheeto Jesus. You can read her latest version here and I hope you like profanity because in typical ‘edgy’ Cecily style every other word is four letters long.
Anyhasbeens, Swamp Walrus got her wish – it seems Philly.com picked up her post and decided to run some ‘Area Woman’ style filler interview with our favorite pink beast. After spewing in her post that Trump would not “listen to me…because I’m extremely low on your personal pussy grabbing scale being both old AND fat” she goes on to tell Philly.com:
“If [Trump] were to communicate with me, I would screen-shot the hell out of it” and share it on social media.
So…basically she’s just bitter that she’s too “old AND fat” for Trump to take any notice of her, but omg she really wants him to “communicate” with her so she can attention vampire some more? Ok then.
Shauna Ahern, grocery store person, has apparently done a lot of thinking since she traded in internet importance for cleanups on aisle 7. In an odd post that is basically a gluten-fee word salad, Shauna says “continuing to write gluten-free girl the way it began doesn’t feel right now”, and that she “can’t do it anymore”.
Again, I’m so grateful that so many of you care. But it has worn on me, these past few years, that my family and our life has become a bit of a commodity. I’m not comfortable with it anymore…Besides, this way of publishing here doesn’t match what we do.
She goes on to remind us that she won a James Beard award because it’s been 15 minutes since she reminded us she won a James Beard award. Then she tells us what her blog will really be about from now on.
When we met, I was a high school teacher and he was a chef. Now we are professional recipe developers…Dan and I know our stuff now…Now, we’d rather share the specifics of gluten-free baking and how to make gravy with a gluten-free flour than talk about our lives anymore.
She then encourages people to buy some of her flour before concluding with the threat of another book.
The irony of writing an enormously long personal essay to announce that I’m not really doing that here anymore is not lost on me. I’m still a writer. I need to take my personal writing away from immediate commercial work, however. I’ve been working on a book of personal essays for the past year.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh wait – YESSSSSSSSS. It would be a good excuse to do another book club!
Stasia2point0, oops she spent it again, is making good use of her latest round of GoFundMe revenue. First she paid her presumably overdue rent. She got herself more lipstick. Then, after a post saying she “had a pretty rough week”, she posted about going out with yet another newly acquired pack of rando “friends”.
In case you want to send her more money to help her get surgery/pay bills/whatever the GFM is for today, she is now helpfully including the domain she just purchased which is pointed at her GFM page. Dig deep, internet fam! Her soul needs this!
Amber Clark, the blogger famous for her ratty blonde hair and towering intellect, like, found a lump in her breast. She made the announcement via snapchat through the licking dog filter. She explained that it’s like, a huge lump in like, her breast, but it’s like, been there for months so like, she just now went and had it checked out but like, they think it’s benign. At this point her husband David pops in to let snapchat know he told Amber they could just cut it out there at home because like, their copay is like, way high.
Amber rambled on through a few more snaps about how she thought it was just a nursing duct issue even though the lump like, changed the shape of her breast. But like, they said it’s probably nothing so like, sorry for getting you all upset!
Let’s thank Amber for reminding her followers that it’s National Breast Cancer Awareness Month and that no matter how young you are you should always bring up changes to your body with your GP as soon as possible. Oh wait, she didn’t do any of that? Well what the f*** was the point then???
Stasia Bowen, lost 100 lbs one time and has been coasting on that success for two years, has a long history of begging on the internet. Well she’s apparently broke again and back to holding a fire sale and GoFundMe. In a gram post she writes a novel length caption attempting to explain why she needs your money.
…today I was presented with an eviction notice…Last week I went three days without electricity…My cell service also is currently off. I’ve postponed my VSG surgery as well, which is devastatingly heartbreaking…Anyway, I am selling anything possible. And this is something that will hopefully get me enough money to pay everything I need to…I will be okay though!!! I want you all to know that. I always make life work.
She has spent the past few months flying first class to Younique conferences and buying Macbooks to “prove haters wrong” and just generally acting like a big baller #girlboss, so many people are baffled as to how she is suddenly being evicted and having utilities shut off. Thankfully a “friend” of hers has – of course – started a GoFundMe, to which Stasia added yet another statement that is so long and detailed it makes The Gulag Archipelago seem like a take out flyer. Saying she has “never been good at managing money” Stasia goes on to sell herself as a deserving recipient of donations.
I have never had a savings account, my bills are often late, I have always lived paycheck to paycheck. I have had utilities and phones shut off COUNTLESS times over the years. So in the last year, while I really finally was making good money… I spent it! I felt like my business would always be amazing and never imagined it would take a gigantic dive like it did. I didnt save it. I joyously spent it. Like MANY people would do.
Really makes you want to dig out those credit cards, eh? But it’s ok because she promises she is “looking for jobs”. Pony up, internets!
Here’s to a great new week…I’m seeing such positive changes everywhere, for the kids especially. The future feels so bright, but every day holds so much enthusiasm for them.
What-the-Fox? Didn’t their father JUST DIE? Like 3 months ago? Anyway, her goals for the next week include “wearing more than shades of black and gray” and “filming some family videos” – presumably by “family” she means her spanking new husband and her kids.
And in case it’s not clear that getting back to being a happy family lifestyle blogger just can’t happen fast enough for Emmy, she concludes by asking “what type of posts I haven’t shared in awhile that you’d personally like to see come back”. Yep, that reset button has been smacked and we all just need to get back to hair tutorials and instagram dumps and affiliate links. At least she seems to be shutting down the fundraisers finally, so, there’s that.
I’m sure all those families in Haiti will rejoice knowing her affiliate linked outfit is “giving” her “life” during this current trending hashtag time.
Christian (above) and Nikki (below) in their youtube videos
Christian Guzman and Nikki Blackketter, the Ross and Rachel of youtube power couples, have broken up yet again. Less than two months after their reunion the pair have announced via dueling youtube videos that they have split for a second time.
Christian’s video starts off with him reading a written statement.
This past Sunday it was brought to my attention that I was lied to about something very important…to be honest I feel betrayed…I can’t get over it…my relationship with Nikki has ended…Thank you for the support.
He then spends what feels like 37 years trying on shirts and enjoying #legday before finally cutting to a bizarre, rambling rant about how he was “screwed over” in his relationship group and his friend group. He continues by assuring everyone that he is focusing on what he loves – “for me, that’s making content”. He finally tells those “in a situation that’s similar” not to lay in bed and “mope and feel bad for yourself”.
And just what is this situation? According to his once-again ex-girlfriend Nikki, Christian found out that during their breakup, Nikki blacked out after a night of drinking and according to her, a friend took intimate liberties with her while she was in this state.
On a night in May I was out with my friends…one of the friends I got dropped off with at my house, while I was completely blackout drunk, ended up fooling around with me. And I did not know it happened until the next morning…
She explains her side in a counter-video. The video seems to essentially be her answer to the rumors going around from Team Christian fanswoles that she cheated on him with one of his friends, causing the breakup.
Of course all this means it’s time for the sl*t shaming and victim blaming to begin. Nikki’s instagram posts are already filling up with comments about how Christian’s friends “went deep inside them sugar walls”, informing her she is “playing the victim a little too hard”, and helpfully advising her to “Stop getting drunk and cheating. sl*t”. Isn’t it wonderful to be alive in such a progressive, feminist time in history?
Emily Schuman, still trying to make corpse lips happen, just put up one of the most amazing fashion blogger style posts you will ever experience. She has just changed every “business lunch in West Hollywood” outfit game, people.
My favorite part of this outfit is also my favorite part of the shoes—the attention to detail—from the knotted leather on the heels, to the bell sleeves on the blouse, with some bold earrings thrown in for good luck.
As usual she completely misses the most amazing detail. THE HAIR! Like some demented Cindy Lou Who she bravely sports that ignored cousin of the shamepuff – the shamefountain! Trend alert, am I right?