Internets WTF

Sundry Will Livetweet Her Marital Disputes

Linda, of All & Sundry, seems to be having a quarrel with her husband. Apparently he “scheduled a drywaller today, then disappeared into work meetings and became unreachable” and while Linda says the worker was “very very nice, and is a friend of a friend so works cheap”, she wanted twitter to “tell me I’m not completely crazy for being LIVID”. Meanwhile, her husband didn’t understand what all the yelling was about.

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And then all holy sriracha enema broke loose. Linda’s rage grew until people began to wonder if she had been caught in the blast of gamma radiation, and she let it all loose on twitter.

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Yep, she left the kids with her husband and took off to the honeymoon suite to enjoy the rainforest shower. She is now posting pictures of the Screw That Jagweed Holiday Hotel, and going to movies in her pajamas. She says her husband might “be like, how could you air our dirty laundry this way?” but Linda don’t curr – she claims “I’m done having secrets that make me feel bad.”

So let’s just sit back and see how this goes. Popcorn and box wine available at the concession stand.

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Internets Mommy Blogging WTF

Cecily Kellogg Is The Great White Story Changer

Cecilyk, race relations justice fighter from her sofa, jumped on yet another hashtag this week. During her train ride to LastStabAtRelevanceville, she tweeted this claim.

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If you’re wondering why you’ve never heard this story before, don’t worry – you have. Just not this new version.

One version tells of a young Cecily joy riding with a friend’s car and being forced to apologize.

Pretty quickly we found their liquor stash, and soon we found their car keys, and we were driving their car through town, drunk…It was New Year’s Eve of 1981 when my mom asked me about the car…I was sure she knew everything, and I immediately confessed…I remember sitting in the house when the owners came back, forced to tell them what had happened, my mother rigid at my side. I remember the husband of that family looking stricken, saying, “Even now, I find myself wanting to trust you. How could you do this to us?” I remember feeling shame and yet burning with resentment, thinking that they were rich (they weren’t, the car was actually pretty old), what did it matter that I drank their booze and trashed their car?

In an earlier version she claimed “I got put in jail for a few hours as a kid to try to scare me straight after I stole a car at 13.”  Now via twitter she is evidently claiming she was not arrested – only the black kid involved was - and saying “only white people” don’t believe her story.

It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t add up; intarwebs reporters are still spreading her dubious tale around in their stories about the hashtag. Cecily whined to her facebook audience ”I’m still getting press requests”, and tweeted this self-important statement:

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…as if the press are chasing her down for comment like she’s Kate Middleton walking out of Boots with a pregnancy test.

So it looks like all her couch based hashtag activism has finally paid off by giving her a last stab at notoriety. I can’t wait to see how our new voice of racial justice changes the world, one “brown boy” at a time.

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Mommy Blogging WTF

Cecily Continues To Stand Up For “Brown Children”

No, you can't. So why are you talking?

No, you can’t. So why are you talking?

Cecily Kellogg, couchtivist, is yet again throwing her weight at her keyboard in order to stand beside those wronged by the Ferguson Decision. In a piece she claims she was “asked to write”, Cecily compares being on food stamps and watching some kids throw rocks at baby birds to the feelings of helplessness and frustration in the African American community. She then muses about the unfairness of having a white child.

Tonight too many of my friends are crawling into bed with their brown children and weeping because they don’t know if tomorrow or next week or next year it will be their child shot while his arms are raised in surrender…I will never know that fear. My pale skinned, blue-eyed daughter will most likely never be shot by the police, no matter how badly she behaves. I have never been more aware of that than I am tonight.

She goes on to say she “will take action” though we all know what action usually means for Cecily.

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Mommy Blogging WTF

That Wife Will Encourage Her Children In Imaginative Play

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Jenna Cole, That Weirdo, snapped an adorable photo of her children today. They are playing “robot massager game” which teaches them sharing and how to put mommy’s vibrator on their face.

Mothers of the world, enlighten me – is this a normal thing you would share with the world? Because I tend to think this is  major overshare. Maybe Jenna should save such moments to share as private anecdotes to tell her closest friends and family instead of posting them where her kids’ future classmates and prom dates can find them.

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DIY Blogging WTF

The Decorista Would Like To End Immigration

Ashlina Kaposta, “The Decorista”, evidently had a bad experience with a moving company. Rather than chalk it up as an object lesson in researching companies before you hire them, Ashlina decided to take to instagram and call for America to close its borders.

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Maybe I don’t love my furniture like Ashlina…but this just seems like a really extreme reaction to getting robbed by a moving company. Do we really need to end immigration because some brat in Dallas lost her couch?

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Internets WTF

Ashley Does Not Appreciate Your Crush

Ashley, forever, is finally speaking out against all the evil women out there who don’t see the big red “Property Of” stamp on her husband’s face, and dare to have a crush on him.

A female friend had e-mailed him saying that a friend of hers had a crush on him…it was just a harmless message, right? No.  It’s not harmless…That treacherous Jezebel!  I have a problem with it.  I have a serious problem with it.

Ashley then provides a list of reasons why your crush on her husband is terrible and awful and you’re a bad person who should feel bad. The list includes things like “you’re trying to lead my husband’s soul astray”, and it’s “disrespectful”. She says her husband is “strong in his faith, and never considered adultery, but I resent her trying to place temptation in his path”, as if it’s up to the women of the world to keep him free from “temptation”.

She goes on to berate you shameless hussies, asking “Were you thinking he would keep it from me, that you would have a secret friendship, that you would somehow be closer or more important to my husband than I am?”

Do I have a problem with you and your crush?  Yes.  Yes, I absolutely do.  Does it matter now if your feelings change?  If you move on to someone else?  If you say you’re no longer interested?  No.  No, it doesn’t.  Why not?  It’s simply because your morals have already been shown to be questionable and because you cannot be trusted.  Of course I trust my husband but trusting my husband does not mean that you are suddenly deserving of trust or friendship.

She concludes by claiming “forgiveness has been granted” to the “Jezebel” in question, which makes one wonder about the point of the post in the first place.

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Internets WTF

Instagram Still Being Used To Showcase Stupidity

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Looks like Jon is having a fun Sunday, if not a very smart one. Not sure documenting yourself driving around with open booze is the best way to celebrate a wedding, but hey, you do you.

Maybe Cecily can jump in and high five them for sticking it to the DUI checkpoint man.

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Lifestyle Blogging WTF

Jordan Reid Knows How To Dress For An Ice Cream Outing

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Jordan Reid, the division by zero of lifestyle blogging, has treated us to her latest wtf outfit.

Friday night and the dancing shoes are ON. (Totally kidding; our plans are to go to Coldstone.)

Yes folks, this is how a 33 year old suburban mother of two winds up dressing for October trips to the ice cream shop when she’s balls deep in lifestyle blogging. How delightful.

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Healthy Living Blogging WTF

Gina May Not Understand The Meaning Of Man Sized Portions

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Gina, of healthy living blogger fame, is off at some (probably sponsored) reboot spa in Canada. While there, she is indulging herself by omgporkingout on “man portions” of food.

And by “man portions” she means a piece of toast, three cherry tomatoes, a pinch of sprouts, two slices of avocado, a blob of nut butter, and four pieces of feta. Seems legit.

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Internets WTF

In Case You Were Wondering What Happened To That Ex-Brother-In-Law Of ‘Hey Natalie Jean’

He’s still around on twitter, being classy.

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Internets WTF

Mandy Will Ban You All During A Tantrum

Mandy, attended Northwestern, recently wrote a rambling blather of a post about waking up her old writing teacher in the middle of the night. You see, James Foley attended Northwestern. Mandy also attended Northwestern, where she took writing classes from a professor at Northwestern.

Northwestern.

Anyway, the post is basically Mandy trying in some ham fisted way to make the murder of a journalist in Iraq all about Mandy, and that it hit her harder than anyone else…because James Foley attended Northwestern, and so did Mandy, and Mandy is also a “journalist”. Or something. If you’re confused, don’t worry – so was pretty much anyone else who read her post. When people started commenting with critical feedback, Mandy did what any professional journalist would do – went on a buhlete spree.

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Over 100 comments were removed, and when commenters complained, Mandy used her Northwestern journalistic training to solve that problem as well.

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After commenters began emailing xoJane staff asking WTF was going on, Mandy apparently had a change of heart. Deleted comments are reappearing, and Mandy says it all happened because she had a bad day.

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Such journalist! So in the same peer group as James Foley. She then went on to claim all accounts have been unbanned, though many users are disputing this.

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183

WTF

Ann Sage Has Priorities

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Really, how CAN we?

Ann says her tweet was “meant as a hyperbolic underscoring of American consumerist frivolity in relation to the world’s actual problems” so, ya know, get a sense of humor you oversensitive nitpickers.

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WTF

Reese Witherspoon Knows Shakespeare

ohreese

Reese Witherspoon, actress, took a page out of Cup of Jo’s copy of Shakespeare’s Greatest Quotes by posting this bizarre attribution to her instagram.

Thanks to the internet I’m starting to think Shakespeare and Eleanor Roosevelt are the only two people in history who ever said anything.

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