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Elliequent
February 27, 2013
9:42 am
avatar
Vitamin Poisoning
Senior Hamcat
Meows: 743
Snarking Since:
April 30, 2012

Gamine said 

You accept and seem to welcome the criticism- (though if this is really true why not allow comments on your blog?

some reasons:

- my brother is a dangerous and extremely cunning psychopath who has my blog address and who, with a carefully constructed comment or lie (he has nothing but time, being in jail), can devastate me to weeks of depression and anxiety 

- an abusive ex-boyfriend with NPD and a history of domestic violence (he put his pregnant wife in the hospital) has my blog address, and he, too, is smart and evil enough to say things that will f**k me up emotionally 

- a couple other ex-boyfriends and ex-friends have my blog address, too, and they know my emotional sore spots; should they wish to, they could really hurt my feelings

- I've made some blogging enemies over the years, partly my own fault, partly not; don't want to deal with potential drive-by nastiness from that quarter

- I'm scared that getting comments would affect how I write, making me self-conscious 

- I'm scared that NOT getting comments would hurt my feelings and make me feel like my post sucked

- I wouldn't want readers or my friends to think they HAVE to comment or encourage me or validate me, just because I wrote something really intense, or super creative, or whatever

- I'm lazy as hell about social media already, and I'd probably be shitty about staying on top of replying to comments.

- IG, Twitter, and email seem to be sufficient ways for readers – when they're so inclined – to reach out and let me know that they liked a particular post; I know if they go to the effort of commenting on IG/Twitter or emailing me, that it must have really impacted them, so that praise/validation, while rare, is very meaningful

Anyway, thank you for replying back to me. I understand what you're saying, and will keep your feedback in mind when I'm writing. At this point I know I've alienated you, either just with who I am personally, or due to some failure of mine as a writer. So I appreciate you nevertheless taking the time to try and make me understand how I f**ked up.

 

Wow, sounds like you know some real assholes, I'm sorry to hear. Also- you haven't exactly alienated me as a reader, your writing is too good to just ignore, it's just the way you come across sometime. The fact that you are civil and came here calmly accepting the criticism shows a lot. You're being maybe a liiittttle hard on yourself- you didn't f**k up all around, you just said some shitty things at some points in your online life- who doesn't from time to time. 

 

My other question- you mentioned all those dickholes above have your blog address, so you've always kept comments closed so they don't get a hold of you- but then you linked your blog to this forum, where they could easily log on and say whatever they please- almost like this forum is your "comments" section?

February 27, 2013
11:14 am
avatar
Gamine
Hamcat
Meows: 57
Snarking Since:
May 16, 2012

noidea wrote:

Also- you haven't exactly alienated me as a reader, your writing is too good to just ignore, it's just the way you come across sometime.

I hear you, and I know. I'm opinionated and self-indulgent, and sometimes my writing gets carried away with itself, whether I'm being sincere or cutesy or intellectual or whatever. I mean, mea culpa. If I didn't love to hear myself talk, I wouldn't be a blogger, yanno? 

I appreciate you taking the time share your experience of my writing, noidea. I mean, I really am just a nobody blogger with very few readers, and a serious dearth of ambition to be much more than that. But I don't like the idea of anyone thinking I'm a stuck up b**ch – that sucked so bad to read. I can be a huge pain the ass both in real life and online, but one thing I am not, honest to god, is stuck up. 

My other question- you mentioned all those dickholes above have your blog address, so you've always kept comments closed so they don't get a hold of you- but then you linked your blog to this forum, where they could easily log on and say whatever they please- almost like this forum is your "comments" section?

Absolutely. But there are certain boundaries in place, just by virtue of how this forum is structured (vs. the limitations of the Blogger commenting system), such as the fact that commenters here must register, that "meows" are logged, that while I can't ban IPs from my blog, I doubt PP would allow directly threatening comments to stand – that make me prefer to let the chips fall where they may on an anonymous forum, rather than to deal with the personal drama of curating my own comments section.

Holy crap that was a long sentence.

February 27, 2013
12:04 pm
avatar
KAS
Hamprince of Meowtonia
Meows: 7887
Snarking Since:
June 6, 2011

I think it's weird to encourage your readers to provide feedback for you here.  If you want feedback, open your comments, use your Twitter, etc.  Opening comments is not that hard, and honestly, how many do you think you would get?  10,000?  GOMI is not your personal comments section.

February 27, 2013
12:49 pm
avatar
Gamine
Hamcat
Meows: 57
Snarking Since:
May 16, 2012

I think it's weird to encourage your readers to provide feedback for you here.

I've pulled the post in question. All I was trying to do was say, Hey, not only do I know there's a thread about me on GOMI with some negative feedback, I'm not afraid to talk about it. And since I know you don't have the ability to comment on my blog, I want you to know that if you comment on the GOMI thread I'll read it.

That's all I was trying to say. But like I say, I've pulled the post that talks about this thread from my blog.

If you want feedback, open your comments, use your Twitter, etc. 

I don't "want", nor do I actively solicit, feedback. That's why I don't have comments enabled. However, I am open to responding to it, wherever and whenever it surfaces. I was trying to not pretend that my critics don't exist. It wasn't my intention to solicit feedback. I only posted about this thread for transparency's sake.

use your Twitter, etc.

I have Twitter. I have IG. I have an email account posted. I interact with readers through all of these avenues on a regular basis.

open your comments

I don't have comments open for, among other reasons, personal considerations relating to my physical safety and my emotional well-being (as explained above).

GOMI is not your personal comments section.

Fair enough. To that end: I've just pulled the post where I acknowledged this thread. 

I wasn't trying to spleen anyone. I was just trying to be open. 

February 27, 2013
1:04 pm
avatar
KAS
Hamprince of Meowtonia
Meows: 7887
Snarking Since:
June 6, 2011

I guess that makes sense, though you don't have to "give" your critics a chance to air grievances; this thread exists whether you direct them to it or not.  Read or don't read, that's your choice, but I think it's best if you stay hands-off in this thread- and I'd say the same to any blogger.  Even if a thread has your name, it's not for you, it's for us.  Pop in every now and again to say hello but this is not your discussion to lead and I don't think you should come here responding to every comment anyone makes about you.

February 27, 2013
1:27 pm
avatar
Gamine
Hamcat
Meows: 57
Snarking Since:
May 16, 2012

Read or don't read, that's your choice, but I think it's best if you stay hands-off in this thread- and I'd say the same to any blogger.  Even if a thread has your name, it's not for you, it's for us

I understand. But I get mixed messages, because I've seen other bloggers be thanked for acknowledging and responding directly to critics. And here I'm being criticized for doing the same thing they did, as best I can tell. I was even thanked by two people upthread, for my responses to them.

I wasn't trying to lead a discussion, believe you me. I am moooore than happy to fade back into the wallpaper of my dumb little blog.

I don't think you should come here responding to every comment anyone makes about you.

Completely agree! After my initial, massive wall o' mea culpa, I was only responding to people who directed their subsequent comments and questions to me, personally.  

Believe me KAS (and everyone else), I am sincere in wanting to just be a decent person and a non asshole-ish blogger. I suppose my mistake was in entering the thread at all – I should have just gone and figured out on own what the problems were, or maybe messaged my critics privately.

I guess I will see myself out and then just hold my tongue if more charges against me are brought?? I don't know what's best, because like I say, I've gotten mixed messages. But I will do that. :/

 

February 27, 2013
1:30 pm
avatar
KAS
Hamprince of Meowtonia
Meows: 7887
Snarking Since:
June 6, 2011

Read the thread, reflect, make changes if you want, or not.  Sounds like a good plan :D

February 27, 2013
4:36 pm
avatar
Alice
Hi Im Alice And Ill Be Your GOMI Admin Today
Meows: 14824
Snarking Since:
September 3, 2008

I can only speak for myself, but I think it's fine if bloggers want to respond in their threads. GOMIers complain a lot that bloggers don't listen to feedback, so if they DO come in to an established thread about themselves and try to get more feedback in a way that is not all "omg wtf do you haters want from me!" kind of way then yeah, I'll acknowledge they are at least trying to listen at this point, somewhat. What I hate is when they come in and do some tl;dr explanations and if they don't get the response they want from their participation, go talk shit about GOMI as if just because they came in they should be lauded as 'so brave' and 'you go girl'. At least she's not doing that.

And I do agree that GOMI is not your personal comments section, but as you've pulled the post (which I never saw) I think it's fair to say you've seen GOMIers side on that and are listening to the suggestions. 

In the end I am aware that Gamine has participated in GOMI long before she was outed as Elliquent, so I can't really jump up her gut that participation in the thread about her (after her outing) is some attempt simply to self-promote or justify herself. As KAS said, read the thread, make changes if you want or not. She's doing that. 

But maybe do get back to just being a GOMIer for a while instead of worrying about the thread about you? That would be more fun for all of us, I think.

surprised

~*~ garbage person ~*~
February 27, 2013
4:45 pm
avatar
Alice
Hi Im Alice And Ill Be Your GOMI Admin Today
Meows: 14824
Snarking Since:
September 3, 2008

And Ellie, if you ever want to do so, feel free to message me privately about potential posts – you'd be surprised how many bloggers now do that for feedback before posting because they are unsure how something may come off, and want an objective opinion from someone who could pick a snark out of a story about kittens. There's no shame in getting a second look BEFORE you post. I do it myself plenty of times. If not me then a friend or something. I continue to find it's better to get feedback before it's public than try to explain it afterwards. 

~*~ garbage person ~*~
February 28, 2013
3:37 am
avatar
Drunken Polka Dot Feet
Expert Hamcat
Meows: 462
Snarking Since:
December 13, 2011

I agree with KAS and PP, and appreciate that you took down the post. It's one thing to mention GOMI and talk about it and another to direct people here to comment. I also didn't mean to imply you started this thread, so if I did, I apologize. But using it as a comments section and starting it are two different things. But since this topic has been covered – next! :)

February 28, 2013
4:39 am
avatar
lanadelrey
Expert Hamcat
Meows: 230
Snarking Since:
August 31, 2012

Ellie,
re: the 'Yardage' post

How was the race of that couple relevant to the story you were telling? What aspects of your post relate back to their skin color?

There's a difference between writing about race/sexuality in a critical manner(race relations), writing about race/sexuality in a descriptive manner(book characters), and writing about race/sexuality in a way that reinforces whiteness and heteronormativity as being the standard.

Your posts often embody the latter, usually while also reinforcing stereotypes.

When you write about the majority, your descriptors relate to the story in some way. When you write about gay people/minorities, your descriptors act as more of a fetishization of their otherness.

I got tired of reading your 'my gay friend' posts and wondering what your friend being attracted to members of the same sex had to do with anything.

 

 

March 2, 2013
10:09 am
avatar
lanadelrey
Expert Hamcat
Meows: 230
Snarking Since:
August 31, 2012

Gamine said

you wouldn't call yourself a "n****r hag" if you had a lot of black male friends, and I think "f*g" is a comparable word in many ways – accepted and used by some in the community it marginalizes, but with an ugly history that cannot and should not be ignored. I think to come full circle in the gay rights movement, people have to be prepared to value gay people on their individual self-determined qualities, and not on their sexual orientation (e.g. "loving the gays" isn't a compliment; it reduces them to their orientation). I do agree that many people love the vibrant gay community in L.A. and feel like they fit in with it despite being hetero, but that opinion can be expressed in a more conscious and nuanced manner.

Heard and understood completely, especially the part I bolded. Some of my gay friends are very playful in their self-referentiality, and will make jokes and generalizations at their own expense, about their orientation – and the stereotypes that go along with it. I think somewhere along the way, despite trying to treat these friendships with the immense respect and appreciation I have for them (seriously, I cannot even tell you how much my friends mean to me – they're all I have – I'm actually crying right now, because to think I've been marginalizing/disrespectful of them in any way KILLS me), I started to co-opt their outlook or something, I don't know. 

… how?! Are you one of those allies who can't be bothered to learn about gay history? A straight person using certain words and phrases will always introduce a different context. Some members of minority groups use camp/humor as a way to reclaim and de-fang certain things that come out of the mouths of those who hate them. In the context of how society treats us, I get why gay men would want to use the word ***. What I don't get is why you would want to.

***got is the last thing a lot of good people have heard before they lost their lives. And here you are writing about how you were born to be a ***hag because.. what? You think it's cute?

Why can't you just be a friend? Not 'Carrie Bradshaw' enough for ya?

 

Honestly, if these are the same idiots going to "culturally insensitive"(racist) parties with you then they deserve what the get. I say milk that internalized oppression for all it's worth!

March 2, 2013
10:25 am
avatar
lanadelrey
Expert Hamcat
Meows: 230
Snarking Since:
August 31, 2012

XV
categories: friends
How do I love my friends today? Let me count the ways.

This afternoon I received an electronic invitation to a Quinceneara themed-party (DING!) being thrown in a couple of weeks by two of my girlfriends. It came with music (DING!). We're not out to offend anyone, or misappropriate Latin culture, or anything even remotely nefarious like that. We just think it'd be a blast to put on bright, poofy, bedazzled ball gowns, have formal dances and photos, play games, and generally have an excuse to get together and goof around like we are fifteen. And if I know my friends, they'll do it as authentically as possible, and we'll probably all come away having learned something about the tradition in spite of ourselves.

I sat there after reading the invitation, thinking how fun it will be, for about five minutes before I had the thought, Though it is kind of a bummer that I'll be the only single girl, since everyone else will be paired off.

Not thirty seconds later, the phone rang. It was my (gay) friend C. calling up to formally ask me whether he could escort me to the party (DING!). He's hilarious and fabulous and shopping with him for our outfits will probably be as much fun as the party itself.

Later I found out that two other sets of our gay friends are coming, too, and they'll be in costume as well (DING!). I'm guessing at least one of them will cross dress, and look better than all of us bitches by far (DING DING!).

That's how I love my friends today.

posted Wednesday, August 29, 2012

 

Also, this ^ post is why I can't take most of what you've said in this thread seriously.

You come in here and go on about how it killssss you to know you've done this and that to another human being. Why did it take you being called out publicly for you to decide to stop participating in (or maybe just writing about) things like this? You knew you were doing something wrong. You knew you were participating in something that hurts people. Why wasn't that enough?

It's not like it meant you being arrested, or spit on, or beaten. It just meant not going to a party that night. To THAT party that night.

You write about your depression and your hard-won self love. Do you have any understanding of how hard it is to master self love in an environment where people think it's ok to reduce your identity… your culture.. into a costume for entertainment value? How depressing it is to live in a world where people are more concerned about not having a date to a party than the fact that they're participating in what some would consider a racist act?

Why are you more emotional over being criticized for attending these parties than you were over the fact that these parties were occurring in the first place?

And you have the nerve to bring up cognitive dissonance in this thread in relation to someone other than yourself? Seriously?

You can take your progressive liberal atheist self righteousness and shove it. Because you know what?

It was at that moment that I knew I was born to be a *** hag

My (Christian) friends? Would NEVER. 



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