Lifestyle Blogging

Natalie Jean Wants You To Know Her Book Is Not Her Fault Unless You Like It And In That Case She Is Super Proud Of It

‘Hey Natalie Jean’, the book by Natalie Jean,  seems to be disappointing about 50% of the planet. As usual Natalie will blame someone else for why it’s not anything like what she promised it would be.

Abrams requested a traditional coffee table blog-to-book kind of deal; a lot of photos, all lifestyle advice–such is the market (for a while they wanted recipes? disaster!)–and that really scared me…There was a bit of a song + dance that had to go on in order to keep a lot of the essays that made it in the final manuscript–Abrams wanted a ham sandwich, light on the infertility. I was prepared to write a Reuben.

Natalie then tries to cover her butt with the publishing world by adding “as far as ham sandwiches go, I happen to think my ham sandwich is probably the best one you can get”. She also claims that she wanted to write a bunch of meaningful essays because she is “far, far less comfortable positioning myself as some kind of advice-giver on aaaaanything” despite the fact that she has heavily branded herself as “the authority on creating a beautiful, hip, dreamy life”.

Evidently this is part of her the meaty stuff will be in my NEXT book campaign, because she keeps mentioning something about ‘next time’ it will be more essays. Whatever.




  1. whateverlolawants

    the nat thread poofed?

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    • ativan annie

      What happened to all the posts from today?? Not just in the Nat thread...

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  2. #hashtag

    My word, what is with that ham sandwich metaphor? Surely one of the first rules of metaphor is 'Don't liken your fertility to a ham sandwich ingredient'?

    Ack. Blech. Ham sandwiches ruined. Yet another casualty of this book.

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    • Sparkly Crystal Chandler

      Seriously, all I can think about now is a Strangles-fertilized ham sandwich. Welp, there goes my lunch.

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    • superbeef

      I like her sandwich analogy, because I don't really like ham sandwiches or reubens!

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      • Israeli Hand Fart Maestro

        BLASPHEMER!

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      • #hashtag

        You clearly haven't met SUPER HAM SANDWICH.
        super_ham_sandwich_by_northboundfox-d392mup.gif

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    • Mrs Blankenship

      I take it her Jewish fetish is over?

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    • OMGMarried!

      Why is she confused that we expected a Reuben because that's what she said she was making for dinner for 2 years?

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    • RedundantUsernameUsername

      h1C350BBB

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  3. Omnishambles

    It's my husband's fault I burnt the coffee this morning because he was the one who wanted some. And it's the pole's fault I ran into it because it had the audacity to exist.

    9wptwLu.gif

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    • Like Did Bacall

      That just moved into my personal favorite gif spot. I can't stop watching it.

      Well played, Pole!

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    • selfie abuse

      I love this.

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    • Sucks to your Assmar

      I can now die happy. Thank you Natalie for bringing me to this gif.

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      • sadiesue

        the best part is that instead his friends laughing at him or asking if he's okay they're all equally mad at that stupid stupid pole. What a terrible pole

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  4. MAKERS AND ARTISANS AND ELVES

    I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS ONE UNFOLDS.

    hahaohhh.gif

    Also, great job on the marketing right before your international pamphlet tour.

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    • The stupid is strong

      "International pamphlet tour" would make a GREAT user name...

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  5. Sparkly Crystal Chandler

    Next time there will be more essays? Oh, good. Everyone LOVES essays. Is she going to just copy from her blog again or will she actually try to figure out some new things to say?

    200_s.gif

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    • MAKERS AND ARTISANS AND ELVES

      I don't understand any of what is happening right now.

      Why didn't she write the essays for this book?

      Was there a serious miscommunication between Rat and the publisher? She's acting like she's disappointed at the book with the readers, but the way the book turned out is hardly a surprise for her? She obviously agreed on doing a boring blog catalogue pamphlet, and that's what she put together, and that's what got published. Why didn't she express her desires to write a collection of actual essays, (I also think it's about time for her to stop calling her writing essays..) and why didn't she wait and turn down the offer if it wasn't what she wanted?

      I guess I know the answers to those questions. I just can't stop being amazed at how immature, tactless, and sensitive a grown woman can be. Whenever she gets criticized she immediately throws herself on the ground, plays the victim, and needs ALL the attention, sympathy, solidarity and head pats. What a f**king sad existence.

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      • Delusions of Adequacy

        I think she said somewhere that she spent a lot of time writing new essays. My guess is they ended up as blog fodder or else they were incomprehensible rambling that were of no use so when she sent everything to Abrams, they went into save mode and then it became a coffee table book.

        Because the words "part manifesto" were used in te description before the reviews came out.

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        • Sarah Ate Two Tacos, While, I, Kath, Am Dainty and Shared Bites of Cheesecake

          You said it: "incomprehensible ramblings". I have tried to read her blog posts. They are nonsensical. When she writes, she does so without regard for verb tense and clarity between subject and predicate.Her own voice and her characterization of others is grating, inconsistent and confusing. She might be going for a certain style but she leaves me baffled. She makes no sense.

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      • Jingles the Ferret

        She's so full of shit. I've written several books. You know what a book contract looks like? It says "Author, Xxxx, will provide Xx,xxxx words with Yyy photos on Zzz subject on or about This Date to Wwww Publisher." They're not at all vague and she's lying if she's going to pretend she really wanted to produce a different book but those ol' publisher meanies wouldn't let her!

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        • AlbieQuirky

          Yes, but her contract was probably "topics mentioned on her blog, including x, y, and z" so there was likely some leeway on how she approached it, since it was 100% her pulling stuff off her blog and out of her ass.

          I think she maybe might have tried to deal with some of the heavier stuff, but what she turned in was easier to scrap than edit?

          On the other hand, Stewart, Tabori and Chang (the imprint that published her) is known for fine art books, cookbooks, and craft books, so it would be odd for them to want to acquire some kind of deep book of essays.

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          • AlbieQuirky

            And if she didn't want to write the book they envisioned, she should have returned her advance and found a publisher who wanted her Deep Thoughts (as if there would be one).

            Fluffy blogger gets contract for fluffy blog book, bawwwws mightily when people complain about its fluffiness. Oh, poor baby, you got a paying gig and you didn't like it? So very sad, Eyebrows McTwee.

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      • Jingles the Ferret

        And ALSO, while I'm at it, I cannot stand women who put down their own work in a bid for approval or headpats or whatever. Produce the best work you can and then be proud of it. Are my own books perfect? No. But I tried my damndest to make them as good as I can and I'm not going to run them down. Act like an actual grownup and a professional.

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        • cheezy fries

          THIS SO HARD.

          I refuse to do this any damn more with anything.

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      • justwhelmed

        Didn't she say that she was doing so many fluff posts last spring-ish because most of her writing time was going into the book? I also assumed it would be more essays and fewer eyelashes and antlers.

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      • superbeef

        I think she thought she could convince them to make the agreed-upon, picture-heavy coffee table book a book of essays instead. I think she probably wrote a bunch, but in the end couldn't convince the publisher to make it a book of essays.

        I wish it had worked out, actually. But I'm not surprised it didn't, if they wanted a coffee table book.

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        • Delusions of Adequacy

          I disagree. I really don't think she was forced to make this book the way it is. And I feel like if she KNEW all this time that it was going to be a coffee table book, she would have mentioned it as such from the get go.

          To be fair: maybe she did say so a long time ago?

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    • Well, "essays" done well actually are a good sellable idea with memoir-style books. Some of my favorite writers publish books that are essentially a series of essays instead of one narrative line.

      Let's all guess what's in the next book, shall we?

      My guess:

      Her story of leaving Mormonism, sorta, but not really because she kept going to church so that someone would watch Henry, only took photos with her cell phone and now she's TOTALLY NOT MORMON LOOK AT HER CAFFEINATED HOT TEA and BRALESS COLLARBONE SELFIES.

      I would also like to read a chapter on "how I can exercise so little, eat out all the time, and look like my bones are trying to break through my skin and escape."

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      • Delusions of Adequacy

        Honestly, if she put effort into it, she could write decent essays about her struggles with getting pregnant, her feelings about the Mormon faith, how she really feels about being a mother, and her struggles to find her identity (though to do that she would have to admit that she has been struggling to find her identity).

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        • Seriously. she has like three or four really good memoir subjects that she is just sitting on and doing nothing with.

          A. leaving the Mormon church after having been born into it - how she went wild and started just doing all the rebellious stuff she didn't feel comfortable doing before. Be candid about mistakes she made with her tattoos and losing too much weight. She could talk about the pressure involved in trying to keep up with NYC's Mormon Mommy Mafia, being subtly rejected (she has alluded to this several times), and how it helped her in her push to walk away.
          B. Infertility, pregnancy, Huck, and having trouble conceiving again (secondary infertility - a niche that isn't talked about all that much)
          C. Moving from Idaho to NYC

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      • semi Ho

        I would also like an essay on the collarbones. I thought she ate cronuts.

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      • Kunu

        David Sedaris writes essays. Natalie Holbrook does not write essays.

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        • Sparkly Crystal Chandler

          Yes, that was my initial point up there. I ADORE David Sedaris. I'd read any essay he writes. Natalie, on the other hand, just groups words together and calls them essays, is what.

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  6. Anyiswhats

    What's her excuse for all the iswhats?

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    • #hashtag

      It's the editors, is what! They wanted a ham sandwich, is what.

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      • Sparkly Crystal Chandler

        A less fertilized ham sandwich, is what.

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        • I Want a Donut So Bad

          Should have known better than to diss ham, is what.

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  7. selfie abuse

    Wow, the Amazon reviews are *brutal* and some of the worst are verified purchases. Lots of "I'm done with this blogger, finally" haha.

    But of course it's not her fault. I never take any responsibility for my failures, either, only my successes. Isn't that how it works in the real world?

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  8. Like Did Bacall

    I've had way better ham sandwiches than this. In fact, I was given the wrong order once, and the turkey sandwich instead of the ham sandwich was a better sandwich than this sandwich.

    Sandwich.

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    • Like Did Bacall

      Now I keep thinking of Spinal Tap....

      Marty DiBergi: The review for "Shark Sandwich" was merely a two word review which simply read "Shit Sandwich".

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    • Bmo

      I just sat here and read this 3 times and laughed every time. Thank you

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      • Toast Iguana

        Me too!

        Sandwich. Is what.

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  9. Like Did Bacall

    I love you, Sparkly.

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    • Like Did Bacall

      Dammit! That was supposed to up there, under the Shark Shit Sandwich picture.

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      • Sparkly Crystal Chandler

        I gotcha! xoxo

        Christopher Guest is my spirit animal.

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  10. Chicken Circus

    Too bad they cut the essay, Chartres: Also a City in France

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    • Delusions of Adequacy

      I'm less interested in her essays than I am in her advice on backpedaling because that is something this b***h knows a lot about. Or, at very least, she can write an essay on how not to do it, like how she wrote about what is bad marriage advice.

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  11. the French ham sandwich

    Looks like someone is going to be buying fake reviews aoon!

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    • the French ham sandwich

      Er, soon

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      • Like Did Bacall

        Leave it. "aoon" sounds more Frenchy.

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        • #hashtag

          Wee wee. Much Frech, is what.

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        • you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons

          I thought it was supposed to be "anon" and liked it a lot.

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  12. unikorn woo

    tumblr_m044drSdU71qfz7wjo1_500.gif

    Or, you know, JAMBON!

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    • Sarah Ate Two Tacos, While, I, Kath, Am Dainty and Shared Bites of Cheesecake

      I love you, Sherri Shepherd. You are so good in that role.

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  13. Hamless MacBeth, Painted Whore, aged 65 years

    5B1mRcV.gif

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