Instagram

Old Joy’s Old Home Has A New Mamagram Occupant

If you’ve been missing Old Joy‘s Kinfolk castle, don’t despair – it’s now the home of another instaprarie mama.

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Yes just head on over to Erika’s gram and see the circle of instalife for an on-trend house. Later we can talk about whether it’s weird to uproot your life and drop six figures on a house in the pursuit of instagram popularity.


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Instagram WTF

Lauren Bullen Fan Can SWF At A Terrifyingly Expert Level

Lauren Bullen has a popular travel instagram. It is so popular that one of her fans decided to copy her. No…I mean REALLY copy her. Like recreate her entire instagram kind of copy her.

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Lauren put up a post showing a dozen or so other examples of “diana_alexa” and her wackydoodle copycat gram.

…the amount of time and pre-organising she put into arranging the outfits, I don’t promote and tag everything I wear, so that would have taken a lot of time and work, even down to the anklets and necklace. Not to mention the cost of all this- those outfits and accommodations don’t come at a cheap price…

Lauren decided the “fan” had gone “next level” and decided to confront her.

…when I messaged her about discovering her page and how crazy and ridiculous I thought it was she tried to justify it by just saying everyone copies us and even big accounts are taking same pictures at the same place & told me I should make my pictures private if I don’t want this to happen…

And we thought those girls trying to copy Taza were weird!


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Fashion Blogging Instagram Lifestyle Blogging Mommy Blogging

Bloggers React To Election About How You’d Expect

In case you hadn’t heard, America had an election Tuesday and despite bloggers’ instagram and snapchat campaigns, Trump made it to the Oval. Now most bloggers are coping the only way they know how – publicly.

Jordan Reid at Ramshackle Glam, known for her intellectual think pieces, can’t seem to get back on track.

As a writer, I have no idea how to return to my regular schedule of cute shoes and funny parenting stories, or how to sit down today and start moving through to a to-do list that includes such imperatives as “start compiling holiday gift guide,” and “post flat-lay to IG.”

She has apparently rallied with a new post about an “action plan” that is basically her informing us how super involved she is in her community and btw did you know she has battled anxiety for decades. She then suggests you go sign a change.org petition “calling upon the Electoral College to fix this” and tells you to go donate to a bunch of things. Because if having a tantrum doesn’t work, throw money at the problem. That’s the rich American white girl way!

Jessica Quirk got straight to the point.

I can’t bring myself to say much today, I’m still in a state of shock, so I’m just going to post my outfit.

The instagram prairie mamas are either silent or pushing an agenda of quiet acceptance and hugs – the typical resigned-smile, everything-will-be-fine position that hetero suburban sahms of comfortable means can easily afford to embrace. Mama Watters doesn’t want to talk about politics, instead posting about a poem which is basically an excuse to inform you she doesn’t read her inspirational stuff from some kindle like you fast living monsters.

I have on my bedside table a few books of blessings, prayers, and poetry for times such as this. They are small and linen-bound, full of comfort and wisdom. The light-filled words inside them give me perspective in times of worry, growth, longing, exhaustion, new beginnings, thanksgiving and despair…

Jenna Cole, voting absolutely, posted some bizarre attempt to sound deep.

All things that die have the potential to feed new life. If we’ll just plant and tend to the seeds, they will grow. I’m thinking about those seeds a lot today. What will be my part in transforming this follow-feeling space into something beautiful in the days ahead?

I assume she meant “fallow” which would still be a questionable use of the word, but whatever. Very profound, much feminist.

And then there’s Cupcakes and Cashmere who (probably wisely) kept politics off her glitter and cake pop filled Home For Glossier Intern Program Rejects. She posted something about “Unexpected Holiday Glam” and then that Alina chick posted about “loving disco fever”.

So, happy post-election Friday! Welcome to the New (Same As Before Just With Different Rich White Men In Charge) America!


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Internets

Bloggers Voted And You Need To Know About It

It’s the day we’ve all been waiting for: the first Vaginal American presidential nominee who might have a shot at winning. And bloggers couldn’t wait to show their support, because social media.

Jessica Quirk continues to beat that “future is female” tee into the ground while reminding us she is pregnant.

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Emily over at Cupcakes and Cashmere put up a post bursting with personal vitality and interest. Or she posted this.

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Run Eat Repeat‘s Monica never misses a chance to mention her Latina heritage, choosing to make a joke out of an historic election.

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And Erin decided now was the time to admit she only cares about really “big” elections.

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Other bloggers were underwhelming; We Wore What‘s Danielle regrammed a shapely behind and hashtagged #vote, while the Taza crew presumably did a mail-in ballot so they could vote at home as a family (edit: instagram stories has a post of a “vote here” sign, but no real confirmation that she actually voted, maybe she’s votesmugging on snapchat). Amberlamps over at Barefoot  Blonde hasn’t smugged her I Voted sticker either (edit: apparently she’s confining her votesmugging to snapchat), and Pink Peonies did a sponsored post, so let’s assume the best and hope they also did a mail-in. And some fat catlady in Brooklyn is being pretty vague about who she voted for.

Now it’s time to sit back, chug Franzia, and refresh the Politics Forum as results roll in. America!


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Internets Snapchat

Dani Mathers Charged With Invasion Of Privacy

Dani Mathers, that Playboy Playmate who apparently takes pictures of women in locker rooms, has been “charged with one count of invasion of privacy” for her weird, entitled snapchat behavior back in July.

Mathers posted a series of snapchat videos of a woman, reportedly aged in her 70s, fully nude and taking a shower in the locker room while Mathers snickered and said “If I can’t unsee this then you can’t either”.

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After massive backlash Mathers posted some apology snaps and later tweeted:

…I love empowering women and have dedicated my life to that.. I made a horrible mistake and am sorry

Mathers could face up to six months in jail and a $1,000 fine.


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Fashion Blogging Internets no1curr

What I Wore Has Important Political Opinions

Jessica Quirk, had potential, has posted some exciting information that is incredibly relevant to the coming election.

In high school, I was the only girl in my senior class on the short list to win “Most Likely to be a Politician” which I took as a wonderful compliment (see also: most likely to be on the cover of a magazine and most talkative). I didn’t “win” any of them, but I’m 99.9% sure I’m the only one who’s made a career out of being a blogger.

Um…k. Not sure why a woman in her mid-30s is still gushing about how she was somebody in high school, but sure. She goes on to impress upon us how vurry vurry political she is, saying “I do my homework, I read the transcripts, I weigh my options, but most importantly, I vote!” I guess this is supposed to set us up to take her next paragraph urging us all to “rock” our votes super seriously.

…at the end of the day, your vote is yours and you don’t need to share who you’ve voted for or why with anyone else…You can split your ticket or vote in total opposition with your husband or parents or friends. Your vote is yours. Rock it.

Finally she concludes her post with the announcement the world has been waiting for.

…nothing I’m wearing today is maternity! I didn’t expect these jeans to fit this far into my pregnancy, but shimmied down (and later unbuttoned) and they work fine.

Oh thank Hashtag Hillary, for a moment I was worried she might be forced into the elastic panel nightmares only worn by the fat cows unlucky enough to have normal legs! Thanks for inspiring us all to rock the bloat!


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Food Blogging Healthy Living Blogging

Gluten-Free Girl Is Done With Flour So Stop Complaining About The Kickstarter

Shauna Ahern, flour mogul, has updated her old Kickstarter to let everyone  know the days of flour power are over. In a long rambling novella she shares the profound magic of her flour blends.

Your contributions have helped to feed people. Your contribution helped mothers make cookies for their children who were recently diagnosed with celiac and feel like life would be okay again. Your contribution helped make Thanksgiving pies and Fourth of July cakes and birthday treats and the food of beautiful ordinary days. Your contribution helped give ease and comfort to thousands of people’s lives, people who have bought this flour and felt like life could be good again, even without gluten.

But there was a dark side. Yesly and Band-aid Fingers struggled to understand the Post Office and suffered the heartache of “turning away from writing and cooking to focus full-time on a business we barely understood”.

The flour business paid off all the people who had helped us with the Kickstarter. The business paid for the boxes to be printed. The flour to be blended. The 10,000 boxes of flour to be shipped to us. The storage fees. The lawyers’ fees for trademark and other work. The insurance on the flour. The postage fees to send out boxes of flour to nearly 1000 people. The money and time and postage for other rewards, including groceries for dinners and lunches. Payroll for ourselves. We were almost done with the Kickstarter money as the flour arrived. We had to learn shipping software and struggle with the post office…

Shauna then reminds us – as she does every time she sits down at her keyboard – that she won a James Beard award, before announcing that she and her husband “didn’t have a steady job between us” and “didn’t know much about business”. And that after accepting a crapload of money to create and distribute a product and limping along for two years in this state, they decided they “didn’t want to do what we realized this path would require: give up our creative passions to make this work”.

Shauna goes on to dismiss your complaints about your Kickstarter contribution rewards by saying

I’d remind myself — and I would like to remind you — that this wasn’t a business transaction. You contributed to help us make this flour, not merely for a box or two of flour. Some of you have been angry, writing to me saying, “Where is my grain-free flour?” I understand. But again, this wasn’t money paid for flour, as people who buy the flour through our website expect. It was a pledge to help a cause with a promised reward as a thank you.

So, too bad, suckas. They “have done our best” and Shauna doesn’t crave any additional success beyond…I dunno, living in a dirty kitchen and working in a grocery store?

I thought about how the life I do have is enough. And wishing for more, for an empire, for money and security and a bigger house? It’s a ruse. It’s a lie. It’s what The Great Gatsby was all about.

I feel like she did not read The Great Gatsby.

Anyway, she winds down with her entry into the Pulitzer Obvious Statement category, saying “we’re not even that good at this”. Then she dramatically collapses onto her chaise, waving her handkerchief Wallace Stevens style, “Adieu, Adieu, Adieu”.

I’m looking forward to the day that a mention of the Kickstarter doesn’t pinch my heart with guilt and regret, the day I can focus only on your generosity and kindness.

Because Shauna just wants to get back to focusing on how Shauna feels and feeds. But thanks for the money!


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Instagram WTF

Kelly Wants You To Watch Her Daughter Do This

Today in “why did you post that?” news, Kelly Stamps, likes Jesus and Sonic, posted a bizarre Instagram story of her small daughter pawing herself in the car.

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Ok it’s redacted all to howdy, but you get the idea. I guess I just don’t understand why this activity needs to be posted to a public instagram account.


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Snapchat Vlogging

Mckinli Hatch And Husband Are Making Blackface Great Again

Mckinli Hatch, wears bikinis, and her husband, a jock or something, are ready for Halloween. The two blonde haired caucasians formulated a racially sensitive and topical couples costume that brought attention to…wait, what the hell?

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Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh. Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh. I uh…I’m about the least thoughtful person alive but even I know this costume is probably in really, really poor taste for two white people. Wow. I mean…kudos on being #brave and following your #dream or whatever.  Don’t let the costume haters keep you down! Wealthy white people costumes matter!


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Internets Mommy Blogging

CecilyK Wants Trump To Notice Her

Cecily Kellogg, “social media manager”, posted one of her classic omg everyone please notice me shock-jock rants the other day over on that site where washed up/wannabe bloggers go to try and feel relevant.

Her fertility struggles worked out in the end because now she has her free-to-be-sexy pansexual tween daughter, but she trots out the 12 year old tale of her twins with a different spin at least once a year. Now she has repackaged her Did You Know I Lost Twin Babies Fifty Thousand Years Ago story to be SEO-friendly during this time of Cheeto Jesus. You can read her latest version here and I hope you like profanity because in typical ‘edgy’ Cecily style every other word is four letters long.

Anyhasbeens, Swamp Walrus got her wish – it seems Philly.com picked up her post and decided to run some ‘Area Woman’ style filler interview with our favorite pink beast. After spewing in her post that Trump would not “listen to me…because I’m extremely low on your personal pussy grabbing scale being both old AND fat” she goes on to tell Philly.com:

“If [Trump] were to communicate with me, I would screen-shot the hell out of it” and share it on social media.

So…basically she’s just bitter that she’s too “old AND fat” for Trump to take any notice of her, but omg she really wants him to “communicate” with her so she can attention vampire some more? Ok then.


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Food Blogging

Gluten-Free Girl Is Changing Her Blog

Shauna Ahern, grocery store person, has apparently done a lot of thinking since she traded in internet importance for cleanups on aisle 7. In an odd post that is basically a gluten-fee word salad, Shauna says “continuing to write gluten-free girl the way it began doesn’t feel right now”, and that she “can’t do it anymore”.

Again, I’m so grateful that so many of you care. But it has worn on me, these past few years, that my family and our life has become a bit of a commodity. I’m not comfortable with it anymore…Besides, this way of publishing here doesn’t match what we do.

She goes on to remind us that she won a James Beard award because it’s been 15 minutes since she reminded us she won a James Beard award. Then she tells us what her blog will really be about from now on.

When we met, I was a high school teacher and he was a chef. Now we are professional recipe developers…Dan and I know our stuff now…Now, we’d rather share the specifics of gluten-free baking and how to make gravy with a gluten-free flour than talk about our lives anymore.

She then encourages people to buy some of her flour before concluding with the threat of another book.

The irony of writing an enormously long personal essay to announce that I’m not really doing that here anymore is not lost on me. I’m still a writer. I need to take my personal  writing away from immediate commercial work, however. I’ve been working on a book of personal essays for the past year.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh wait – YESSSSSSSSS. It would be a good excuse to do another book club!


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Healthy Living Blogging

Stasia Will Embrace New Spirit Of Financial Maturity Thanks To Fundraiser

Stasia2point0, oops she spent it again, is making good use of her latest round of GoFundMe revenue. First she paid her presumably overdue rent. She got herself more lipstick. Then, after a post saying she “had a pretty rough week”, she posted about going out with yet another newly acquired pack of rando “friends”.

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In case you want to send her more money to help her get surgery/pay bills/whatever the GFM is for today, she is now helpfully including the domain she just purchased which is pointed at her GFM page. Dig deep, internet fam! Her soul needs this!


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Lifestyle Blogging Vlogging

Barefoot Blonde Has Like, A Lump, But Like, She’s Getting It Checked, And Like

Amber Clark, the blogger famous for her ratty blonde hair and towering intellect, like, found a lump in her breast. She made the announcement via snapchat through the licking dog filter. She explained that it’s like, a huge lump in like, her breast, but it’s like, been there for months so like, she just now went and had it checked out but like, they think it’s benign. At this point her husband David pops in to let snapchat know he told Amber they could just cut it out there at home because like, their copay is like, way high.

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The hilarious husband.

Amber rambled on through a few more snaps about how she thought it was just a nursing duct issue even though the lump like, changed the shape of her breast. But like, they said it’s probably nothing so like, sorry for getting you all upset!

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LOL SORRY NBD GUYZ

Let’s thank Amber for reminding her followers that it’s National Breast Cancer Awareness Month and that no matter how young you are you should always bring up changes to your body with your GP as soon as possible. Oh wait, she didn’t do any of that? Well what the f*** was the point then???

 


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