Internets The Golden Hammys

2015 GOMI Awards – It’s Jenna’s Year!

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What a glorious year it was for Jenna Cole. She posted pictures of herself in her bra. She made omgsomuchmoney. And her solo parenting finally ended. But surely her greatest moment is being crowned with a Lifetime Failchievement Award. She also mightily swept the Biggest WTF category with Vibratorgate.

Kelle Hampton of ETST won for Biggest Decline, Most Overexposed Children, and Most Insane Fangirling. I’m sure orange Poopasicle is planning a party right now.

Ghost Bev won Best Flounce, though Young House Love came in a close second. Cecily Kellogg won for Worst Photoshopping which surprises no one. Taralynn’s coffee shop fundraiser earned her an award as well.

Dooce blew up the Most Irrelevant category but she will surely continue blogging because that’s what #brave people do. Speaking of #brave, that beat to death word took home an award for Most Overused Phrase.

And finally, “Sarah Ate Two Tacos But I Only Ate One” was your favorite GOMIBLOG username. Hey, who doesn’t love tacos, right?

You can check out the voting page here, and thanks to everyone who participated! And a big congrats to the ‘winners’! Gold stars for all of you.

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Fashion Blogging Internets Lifestyle Blogging

The Great Gram Purge Begins, Bloggers Act Like They Don’t Care

As reported back on the 10th, Instagram has begun wiping spam and ghost accounts from their system. The results so far are a combination of ‘lulz’ and ‘womp womp’.

Pink Peonies, after jumping to 292k followers during the week following the announcement, is now suddenly down to 287k. Ramshackleglam started out with 12.8k followers and is now down to 7.7k. Eat Live Run is down about 1k, as are Rosie the Londoner and What I Wore. Dooce and Kelle Hampton are both down about 2k.

Racked is showing Eat Sleep Wear had a drop of around 4k followers, while Song of Style dropped from 1.9 million to 1.8 million. Cupcakes and Cashmere and Bleubird both lost about 7k followers.

The most wtf drop was ole Natalie Jean, who lost a whopping 19.3k followers in the purge. She responded to this in her typically sarcastic defensive manner.

Yeah ok JLaw gif to this.

Yeah ok JLaw gif to this.

Is this proof of purchasing followers? It’s hard to say. But surely some of these losses indicate something more than just removal of ‘spambots’ or inactive accounts.

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Mommy Blogging

“Love Taza” Will Hire A Stranger From Instagram

Taza, quickly becoming Dooce with her newer, non-revealing content, husband who appears to have ended his own career to ride his wife’s coattails, and sponsored posts, is taking yet another step towards Doocedom – she and her stay at home husband are hiring an assistant.

The prudent thing to do when you are internet semi-famous and have two small children would be to contact a reputable agency (or have your management agency do it for you) and hire a professional who will have a grip of NDA experience and a background check. But hey, why do that when you can put it up on instagram and watch as all your rabid fancujos crap themselves with glee and beg to be your nanny/bff?

dafuk

The resulting response was both hilariously sad and kind of scary. Fangirls offered to move from other countries in order to work for the Derps, and one said it’s “my Segway into friendship!”

It really seems unsafe to employ some crazed fangirl who probably cares nothing about the actual job, and just has dreams of becoming Auntie Fangirl to your kids and The Famous Taza’s BFF4LYFE. Maybe this is how the kids are hiring these days, but I’m pretty sure that’s how the movie “Selena” started.

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Internets Mommy Blogging

“Type-A Parent” Survey Proves Mommy Blogging Is Not A Pot Of Gold

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Type-A Parent, arranges a bunch of conferences for mommy bloggers, revealed last month that mommy bloggers don’t actually make squat. Now AdWeek has provided a more in-depth breakdown of the responses, and it’s pretty eye opening.

It seems most respondents invest more in premium blog themes and conferences than in actual advertising, and “product reviews” are number two in the list of covered topics with “causes” coming in dead last. The survey also reports that the “most despised job title by far is mommy blogger, with two out of three respondents saying they either hate it or never use it” – “blogger” or “writer” are the most popular job descriptions.

Most surprising of all is the news that only 5% of mommy bloggers actually earn enough to possibly make it worth a full time job. Most mommy bloggers report earning less than $100 per month, and around 20% earn $500-2500 a month, mostly from sponsored posts.

So for those of you aspiring to become the next Dooce, good luck. It sounds like you won’t be making much, and you’ll be spending most of it on business cards and attending conferences to convince other mommy bloggers to read your mommy blog. Sounds like a super awesome career.

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Mommy Blogging

Roundup: Mother’s Day Edition

It’s Mother’s Day, and internet mommies are making sure you know they are mothers and have children which makes them mothers. Here’s a few of the things internet mommies did this week.

Dooce was off in New  York City again with her boyfriend earning herself another Iris Award for her selfless luncheoning on behalf of Every Mother Counts.

Gluten-free Girl posted an endless story highlighting her awesomeness as a mother because she diagnosed her daughter with gluten issues, and ended by once again shaming the planet for not catering to her food needs.

What I Wore‘s Messica ate donuts. Again.

KERF drank coffee in bed with her tablet, and got a bottle of perfume.

Emily Henderson managed to make the missing Nigerian girls about her, because she is a mom now, so she totally gets what those girls’ moms must be feeling I guess. Then she posted an instagram video of her son because pageviews.

Happy Mother’s Day, hams! I hope you get to enjoy some uninterrupted Franzia and snark today!

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Internets Mommy Blogging

The “Iris Awards” Provides New Way For Bloggers To Circle Jerk

This year’s Mom 2.0 Summit introduced the “Iris Awards“. According to their website:

In Greek Mythology, Iris is the messenger of the gods who linked all humanity with the heavens. She travels with the speed of wind from one end of the world to the other, and into the depths of the sea and the underworld. She is a parent and is associated with communication, messages, and new endeavors.

Because equating mommy bloggers with a Greek goddess isn’t self-important or anything. Oddly, they forgot to mention Iris also “links the gods to humanity” because you know that’s how they see themselves.

Anyway, the nominees were the usual Popular Girls: Finslippy, Mom101, Dooce, Pioneer Woman, The Blogess, etc. There were categories for important award deserving things like “Best Sponsored Content Campaign”, “Best Brand Content Campaign”, and “Game Changer”.

After the awards were handed out to the same prom queens who always win the awards at these things, the self-a-bration continued with video recaps for youtube.

Soooo yeah.Yet another pointless ‘celebration of us’ festival with meaningless self-voted awards carried out by the most group fappingest blogging niche on the internet.

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DIY Blogging

Young House Love Is Just Too Popular Now, Guys

Young House Love, Target junk peddlers, announced today that their blog is just too big now to like, even deal with, dawgs:

We’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately: what exactly are our goals? What are we working towards? Hoping to gain? The answer, we realized, was definitely not more blog hits or traffic or approval. Honestly we both feel unsettled by the idea of our blog growing any larger, and we look fondly back on the earlier days when we worked less, slept more, and spent more quality time with our family and friends.

Apparently they will now be doing only 3-5 posts a week and no longer posting on “Young House Life”. They are totally fine with it if you “decide to tune out” now, because they didn’t even ASK for this success anyway:

Teddy is our last baby and Clara is just a year away from kindergarten (how did that happen?!), so we want to enjoy this time with them instead of working our nights, weekends, and vacations away chasing some business goal we don’t even want.

So begins the end of another blog’s life cycle. I guess it’s good they are at least being honest that they just don’t feel like dealing with it all anymore and will be pulling back rather than just letting it die a slow agonizing crappy post filled death like Dooce.com. But it’s a little disingenuous of them to act like they are making a brave and scary choice and will sacrifice financial gain for family crap. They have a grillion side projects that no doubt have made them very financially comfortable whether they post 9 times a day or once a week. But I guess the “lil ole us” act is part of their schtick so I’ll just eyeroll off to another blog now.

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The Golden Hammys

The 2014 GOMI Awards Are In

Another year of fail has ended. As we look forward towards a new year of new fails, let us congratulate those who sufficiently ruined enough of the internets to make you vote on them.

Dooce won Most Likely to Call it Quits in 2014 which may turn out to be either the most amazingly accurate prediction ever, or a lot of wishful thinking. Since she also won Biggest Decline maybe it’s more accurate than any of us know.

Hey Natalie Jean also takes home a Hammy for dual category wins - Best Non-Apology/Backpedal for Menorahgate, and Biggest WTF Moment when readers found a post of hers describing her husband strangling a dog.

Most Ridiculous Product Endorsement prize goes to Delightfully Tacky for her sponsored post about tampons…in which she announced her favorite use for the sponsored product was “wearing them during yoga/pilates classes to keep from queefing”.

Blogger Kid Most Likely to Write a Tell All was neck and neck between Dooce’s eldest daughter and That Wife’s eldest son. In the end Dooce’s daughter won the day, and I have to agree she probably is the most likely to go Christina Crawford in a few years.

Unsurprising wins included Kelle Hampton‘s Hammy for Most Insane Fangirls, and  Katie Vyktoriah for Best Manufactured Drama. Katie also beat out Hugo Schwyzer for Best Flounce.

And finally, The Lifetime GOMIBLOG Failchievement Award. Between complaining about raising the children she supposedly wanted, telling libraries that poor people don’t matter, shoving her son into a bathroom instead of letting him have the second bedroom, and then finally apparently shipping him off so she could spend time with her husband and the daughter she actually wanted, Jenna of That Wife came in a solid first place for this year’s ultimate shame prize.

Thanks to everyone who voted. It’s been fun thinking back over last year’s wtfery. I can’t wait to see what bloggers bring to 2014.

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Fashion Blogging

Bloggers Will Now Sell You Their Instagram Pics

Have you ever wanted your favorite blogger’s Instagram photos blown up and printed on things like an iphone case or a framed print, so that you may enjoy pics of their dog or over filtered trees whenever you like? Bloggers such as Love Maegan and Jon Armstrong are now graciously offering you that opportunity! Even Dooce’s Noselord is getting in on the “20% of the sale” action.

Evidently with sponsored tweets becoming less and less popular (and with more and more Instagram filters becoming available) folks are looking into yet another way to profit off the fact that they use social media. Congrats, internets! You can now I can have the sadcoffee wall gallery you’ve yearned for.

Seriously though, this is going to be great. I can’t wait to see what photos bloggers try to pass off as ‘art’ worthy of being blown up on an $80 canvas.

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Mommy Blogging

Dadcentric Separates From Wife

The trend of Blogger Breakups continues with Jason Avant, daddy blogger, announcing on his blog Friday that he and his wife of 12 years had separated:

I had only just started telling people about my separation, a few close friends, my parents. Instead, I just held up my throbbing left hand. He saw what wasn’t on it. “Oh, shit, mate. Yeah?” I nodded. “Yeah.”

Jason and Beth join the ranks of several bloggers, including Dooce and Mom-101, whose relationships are ending this year.

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Lifestyle Blogging

Penelope Trunk Knows How To Pick A Husband

Penelope Trunk, marriage expert, is once again telling women how to be married. Trunk is instructing women to choose a husband based on whether they want to work or not. Telling women that they must choose between being a mother or being a breadwinner, Trunk then explains our various options. These options are, in a nutshell: be the breadwinner, marry a breadwinner, or hire a couple of nannies.

If you pick the ‘both people work and hire a nanny’ route, Trunk says “you will need to find a husband who earns more than you” because if you don’t, you will just breed and flee:

Statistically your marriage is high risk if you and your husband are both in the workforce and you earn more than him because surveys show that you will resent him. This is not logical, or social, it is primal. Statistically, you will marry a guy who does not make as much as you and then you will have kids and get a divorce. Because women hate the feeling of out-earning their husbands.

Your other primary option, “Don’t bother with earning money”, still focuses on a husband making a lot of money – because women hate having to do all the domestic work if they attempt a part-time job (“The problem with this scenario is that part-time jobs don’t offer advancement or a lot of money, so you need to be with a guy who will work full-time.”):

You will have to work hard to not get resentful about this. And really, who could blame you? The best antidote for this resentment is money. If the guy makes a lot of money you can hire people to help you and then you don’t have to be upset that the guy is not helping you.

The other solution? Yep, pick a guy with money and just stay home!

…[P]ick a guy who will earn enough so that you don’t have to work. Because statistically speaking, you will not want a full-time job, and you definitely won’t want a job where you have to earn six figures, because that’s way more than full-time.

She includes helpful tips on how to choose a husband based on what you want to do with your life, a decision which Trunk seems to think needs to be made by the time you are 25. Telling women, “There will be people who say you can’t choose who you fall in love with. This is a lie, of course. There are a million people you could fall in love with. If one is impractical, just go find another,” she focuses her ’how to choose a husband’ strategy on the Myers-Briggs type indicators, which is probably about as reliable an indicator of long-term compatibility as astrological signs.

Trunk does remark that “there is no scenario where you have a big job but do not work long hours…And that is fair: why should you get a big important job and be home all evening for your kids when everyone else has to work twelve hour days to have big important jobs?” which is something I do agree with. But the rest of her advice seems so venal and calculating that I have to wonder exactly how she chose HER husband?

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Internets

Bloggers Celebrate Christmas, Internet Snores

Happy post-Christmas, jealous haters. Hope you’re all safe and well, and got some awesome gifts. Of course, nothing beats the gift of bloggers posting about their boring holiday, so let’s take a look around and see what our favorite smuglebrities did to celebrate.

Dooce bought her daughters a Barbie jeep which she said “now seems like a really bad idea since Marlo already has a broken arm and we spent Sunday morning at the ER assessing whether or not Leta had broken her foot after slipping on melted snow in the kitchen”.  Bleubird’s James spent the day taking pictures of her kids surrounded by the scandi-hipster toys that will fit in so well with her home decor.

Calivintage kept it simple, visiting family in an outfit I have to assume they bought her, because something like this should only be worn out of guilt:

Cary Randolph Kennedy Wittenbach Fuller Jefferson, Esq., survived the hardships of Hurricane Sandy, managed to spend time with her family. Peanut Butter Fingers started having post-holiday blues first thing this morning apparently, so she decided to recap her Christmas Eve – notable only because it is a boring recap of pretty much everything 90% of regular middle class nuclear families do, but sure, worth a post, why not. Messica and Neckbeard put on matching plaid and tweeted about snow, which is probably the most exciting event of her month. And Jordan Reid finally won a high five from me for giving her husband a no doubt much deserved skull full of vodka.

I’m already bored with looking at blogger Christmas posts, so feel free to add more in the comments while I go get and stay drunk until New Year’s Day.

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Lifestyle Blogging WTF

A Cup Of Jo Poaches Self For Content

Joanna Goddard, of “A Cup of Jo”, is following in the footsteps of Gala Darling and Dooce by recycling old pieces of writing for her site.

Her recent post “What sex feels like to guys” stirred up a commenting tizzy when a commenter asked:

Why didn’t you mention that you wrote this same story in 2009? I don’t think anyone would have cared but now this just seems lazy.

It seems Joanna wrote more or less the exact same piece for Glamour back in 2009. From the original piece:

Have you ever wondered what sex feels like from the guy’s point of view? Well, I was chatting with some guy friends recently, when the conversation turned to sex. And they came up with an awesome description of what sex really feels like to guys. I was SO surprised…

My male friends all agreed that sex from a guy’s point of view is a similar sensation to someone sucking on your big toe…except 1000x better.

“It’s warm, wet and incredibly soft,” explained one guy, when he saw I looked puzzled. “When someone sucks on your toe, it kind of similar, although obviously much less intense. But that’s a good way for women to get a sense of what sex is like for us–and why we love it so much.” All the guys nodded in agreement.

Wow. Weird!

Compare to her recent post:

Recently I heard the weirdest thing…
The other night, I was hanging out with some friends, when the conversation turned to sex.

My guy friends all agreed that sex to a man is a similar sensation to someone sucking on your big toe (x1000).

“It’s warm, wet and incredibly soft, so it’s kind of similar to if someone sucks on your toe…but obviously much more intense,” said my friend M.

Then the girls tried to describe what sex feels like, and the best description was…using a Q-tip (x1000). Right? Kind of?

While not exactly a cut-and-paste of the original, it’s hard to deny that it’s basically the same post, edited and reused. Why do bloggers do this and not acknowledge it’s an old idea they are re-addressing and updating? They have to know their die hard fans will catch it and ask about it. As I’ve said when previous bloggers have done this, “Reference it when you revisit the topic in a new post, don’t just change the date to make it appear new.” Certainly they are your words and you’re free to reuse them to your heart’s content. But why not at least mention that it’s not exactly a fresh new idea or experience?

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