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Heather Armstrong, expert on bullying, is apparently up on the PanelPicker, where people go to vote on speakers or panels they would prefer to see at SXSW. The panel she is listed to share with another woman? “Dumb, Lonely & Fat: Dealing w/Internet Criticism“. The description claims:
Learn coping strategies and hear stories from the front line of internet criticism. Learn how to develop a thicker skin to confidently distribute your work. Join Heather Armstrong from dooce.com and Helen Jane Hearn from helenjane.com for a conversation that will leave you with practical tips for dealing with internet criticism.
That’s right: Dooce will be giving people advice on how to deal with internet criticism. Why would this be at SXSW anyway? That conference is basically a huge boozer full of people comparing their iphones and androids. This sort of ‘panel’ would get a better reception at something like BlogHer or IFB.
Honestly I hope this panel gets upvoted, because I would just love to see what line of bs Heather Armstrong comes up with in response to “What steps can I take after someone says something terrible about me online?” and “…what do I do when I’m ignored online?” It’s sure to be fantastic advice!
Have you always wanted to wander the hallowed home of Heather Armstrong? Well now you can!
STATELY BRICK TRADITIONAL ON TREE FILLED LOT IN FEDERAL HEIGHTS! TERRIFIC FLOOR PLAN INCLUDES LARGE KITCHEN, DINING, AND FAMILY ROOM AREAS, WALK IN PANTRY, FORMAL DINING AND LIVING ROOMS, FINISHED ATTIC SPACE IS IDEAL FOR HOME OFFICE, STUDIO, OR GUEST RETREAT, HARDWOODS FLOORS THROUGHOUT, ALL BATHROOMS ARE BEAUTIFULLY UPDATED WITH TRAVERTINE TILE AND CLASSY FIXTURES, PLENTY OF STORAGE, 2 LAUNDRY ROOMS, DOUBLE STAIRCASES. GRAND MASTER BEDROOM, BATHROOM AND CLOSET SPACE. PRIVATE YARD AND OUTDOOR PATIO AREA. NEWER MECHANICAL SYSTEMS AND NEW ROOF. THERE IS ROOM FOR EVERYONE TO LIVE AND ENTERTAIN! CLASSIC STYLE WITH A CONTEMPORARY FLAIR.
The 11,126 sq. ft., 9 bedroom 9 bath home is listed for $1,595,000. Does this mean the divorce is close to being final?
Heather Armstrong, valedictorian of everything, apparently went to Wyoming for some family thing. Per her cycle of emotional breakdown -> all better now, she first informed us that she had “walked right up to the window of a nervous breakdown and saw exactly what it looked like inside. It’s a shithole. And it’s scary as hell”…and then posted that after not sleeping for three days, a night of sleep has solved all her problems:
I can see straight! The world isn’t going to end! I mean, at least not today. It will at some point just as the Book of Revelation predicted, BUT NOT TODAY! However, even if I looked out my window and the moon had turned to blood or whatever that crazy person who wrote that book said was going to happen, I’d be like, RAD.BLOOOOOOOD!
Yeah that sounds rational and not at all overly dramatic and overblown. If a woman with a million resources at her disposal that would allow her to grab a nap wants to try and convince me that she went long enough without sleep to induce a post about how her “life is coming apart at the seams”, she’s going to have to try a lot harder. I mean, supposedly Cami went with her…wtf was she doing that she couldn’t take the kids and let Heather sleep for a few hours?
Anyway, Dooce then tells us that she has been going back for post-graduate therapy:
So. Therapy. I have been back a few times in the past several months just to talk through some hurdles. I’m not so stubborn as to ignore that option, not after the years of what I’ve already worked through and what I’ve learned.
Evidently one of the skills her therapist has had her work on “for years” is “being able to say out loud, “I cannot do this.”" She has spent grillions of hours in therapy to figure out that she’s “not Superman” and can’t do it all! Is she seriously complaining about how overloaded her life is again? To the point where she needs to pay someone to sit there and say “let’s do some exercises on how to say ‘no, I can’t do a post today’”? Come on. It’s great that she hasn’t closed the door on therapy, but sometimes there is a point where therapy is just you paying someone to reaffirm for you that you’re screwed up.
Look, we are sick of these posts, Heather. You have a compliment of people, paid and otherwise, who seem pretty willing to handle most of your life and business for you. Your only job is to exaggerate some banal story about your life and post it to the internets, and to do various appearances. Your actual responsibilities on a day to day basis for the last 4 years appear to be at an irreducible minimum. If you think this lifestyle is worthy of your constant whining, then by all means continue to complain. But honestly this “exhausted mentally screwed up somuchworkomg newly single mom” persona is getting really old and sounding really forced already.
Heather Armstrong, not that kind of mommyblogger, threw a surprisingly normal and adorable birthday party for her 3 year old. There was Costco food and a regular old sheet cake, bubble machine toys, friends and family. It was all very average and not all twee mommy blogger, as Dooce Vader reminded us several times.
It seemed like a pleasant day that could have been turned into a pleasant post about her pleasant life. Instead, true to form, El Dooce took the opportunity to make passive aggressive digs at her detractors:
My gift to her was a piñata, and because I know nothing about piñatas I had to trust Tyrant’s judgment. He’s half Mexican, so, you know, he learned how to hit a piñata before the doctor cut his umbilical cord. OH! PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. Please tell me that I’m being insensitive and that I should know better. Because when it comes to Weimaraners and Mexicans I AM OUT OF CONTROL!
She continued her sarcastic attempt at humor with a bizarre reaction to the suggestion that quarters be placed into the pinata:
And then Tyrant says, “We should throw in a few rolls of quarters.”
The? A few rolls of quarters? Those things would come flying out of that piñata, hit a kid in the head and knock him out. MEXICANS ARE MURDERERS!
Now I’m sure ole Dooce was trying to stave off any comments that she is culturally insensitive by pre-emptively taking pot shots at herself. But was there really a need for that? Is this simply her writing style, and I just don’t get the joke? Because it doesn’t come off as hilariously self-deprecating, it comes off as being defensive on the offense. Was she really that worried that people would make comments about getting her kid a pinata for her party?
I honestly can’t tell anymore if she’s just trying to goad people into starting crap with her to prop up her dying blog, or if she’s really that insecure and sensitive to any remarks about anything she does. If it’s the former perhaps she should cut to the chase and start spilling about the separation – as one GOMIer said, “That’s all people care about. Juicy details will bring the clicks.” If it’s the latter then maybe she should start considering a different career already before she runs off the readers she has left with her increasingly bitter defensiveness.
Readers initially rejoiced when Dooce, requires two employees, posted a mildly interesting and almost amusing post about helicopters or something:
(click to enlarge)
Why, my goodness! This post seemed to have some effort behind it! Readers held their breath thinking finally the old Dooce was returning. Turns out the old Dooce was returning…just not the way folks had hoped. The post had the feel of the Dooce of olden days because it IS a post from the olden days – September 18, 2006 to be exact.
(click to enlarge)
With no disclaimer in the recent edit of the post, some readers apparently just assumed this was a fresh post. Especially since the original version, while still listed in the archives, has been deleted. It’s very confusing, honestly; if the edit was done in order to remove her estranged husband’s name why not just edit the original, and post another archived post with no mention of him? Why not just post an actual fresh post? Or is this actually a brand new event that is startlingly exactly like an event from 6 years ago? Maybe Dooce just lives in a broken version of the Matrix, and is now starting to actually re-experience previous things?
Honestly I wish someone would explain this to me because this is terribly wtf.
Katrillionaire mommy blogger Dooce, don’t call her a mommy blogger, is once again reposting archives because she is “currently out of town on business, so for the next few days I’m going to post some things from my archives that many of you have probably never seen.”
Wait…again??? Look, I get that she’s supporting her friends and estranged husband and her two little Fallback Contents. But isn’t her blog her job? Or is she really going to try and make a go of being some kind of video star? Nobody is begrudging her some success; but if she is now frequently going to be too busy jetting around the country to produce content for the vehicle that actually makes her life possible, maybe she needs to take on some guest writers. I’m sure there are drooling sycophants lined up around the block wanting to post their content on Dooce – for free, even!
All this archive posting does is highlight what a nosedive in quality her blog has taken the last two years. It’s like when 50 year old rock stars try to go on tour to perform the 6 songs they are famous for. Thanks for the memories, but all the audience is doing is comparing you to your previous quality. Sometimes it’s best not to remind people of how awesome you USED to be, lady.
How am I doing? Well, I asked you first. But if you really want to know, I’m hanging in there. What does that mean? Hm. I guess I’m doing okay. I’m focusing on today, this hour, this word. I try not to think about tomorrow or the day after that because sometimes when I lift my eyes and stare straight ahead I see miles and miles of fire. Flames stretching so far that they hide the entire sky. I see waves of terrifying, oppressive heat spilling out across every inch of ground in front of me. And then panic swells in my lungs, that old familiar rush of anxiety and dread and certainty that the world is going to fall apart. So I look back down at my hands, at this word. And this word. And this one. And everything is okay.
Right now I know which end is up. This end, this one right here. This is up.
Um…yeah…she sounds totally fine. That week off really refreshed her, clearly. Now I’m not some regular, long time reader of “Mommy Doocest” so someone help me out – is this sort of post normal for her? Because maybe I’m just a boring person without enough emotional turmoil to consider this totally normal and “ok”. From where I sit it sounds like the woman is going completely crackers in slow motion.
I am curious to know what her estranged husband, father of the children still living with her, thinks when he reads posts like this. I like to think he hops in his car and drives over to offer to watch those kids for a few days. Let’s hope.