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Dear Park Slope, Jessica Schroeder Quirk Hates You

PICTURE OF NOT LOVEPUPPY HERE (sorry I don’t care enough to google another one)

The girl formerly known as “Midwest Jess”, and then as What I Wore’s Jessica Schroeder, wannabe model/fashion designer/fatty hater Jessica Quirk, lives in the Park Slope area of Brooklyn. Surrounded by squalor in her depressed ghetto neighborhood in the middle of crack houses and an underground baby selling ring, poor Jess has to endure endless assaults to her delicate midwest senses. Take this entry for example:

I hate Park Slope

I just got home from brunch to see the front tire was stolen off my bike, cutting the breaks in the process.

I hate Park Slope. It’s not just that my tire was yanked, but it’s that I live near a women’s shelter full of obnoxious, loud, obese women who spend all of their EBT cards on chocolate bars and candy. I’ve gone down for my daily coffee many a morning and seen women buying 6 40s, ice cream and bread.  I don’t give a shit what people eat, but those EBT cards? That’s a modern way to say food stamps. And those food stamps come from tax dollars, so WHY THE HELL are you buying junk food?

I also live by a bus stop. This is where a lot of the assinine bull shit takes place. A month ago, a man and a women were screaming at each other and cursing (F-word). Adam opened the window and said “This is a family neighborhood, could you take it somewhere else?” The response? “WE”RE WAITING FOR THE F&*^ing BUS! YOU GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!” Really? REALLY? You want me to go somewhere other than my living room while you shout and call each other Effing liars?

New York is grinding me down to a fine dust. It might not be too blow before the blow the hell out of here.

Yeah assholes! This is a family neighborhood! Take your unseemly white trash behavior somewhere else! Jessica didn’t move all the way from Indiana to the Big City, take up the Secret, get a tumblr and successfully snag the husband she was searching for just so you fat welfare trash could offend her by buying beer and yelling at the bus stop.

Don’t you know who she is? She is the What I Wore girl! She is friends with David Karp! RESPECT!

EDIT: Jessica just updated her tumblr post with the following:

*Re: Fact checking. No, I don’t believe EBT cards will purchase alcohol. I’m just trying to paint a picture of the kind of purchases I see made in my local bodega.

WHEW. Here I thought we were talking about how the post in its overall tone was classist and b****y, I had no idea we were all in a tizzy about that one fact. Carry on then!

EDIT EDIT: And now she has removed all the offensive text, and replaced it with this:

Apologies to anyone who was upset or offended about the previous post in this spot. I’m upset at myself for posting it too.

So…does this mean I can buy some Steel Reserve and twinkies at the store with my ebt tomorrow? Cuz that’s how us poor fatties start our day in Brooklyn.