Mommy Blogging WTF

Dooce Will Suddenly Open Up About Some Kind Of Violation While Discussing Your Engagement And Wedding

As you know dooce, lowercase, has returned to blogging. And to make sure you come give her the clickies she is willing to now accuse people of violating her in the most “humiliating way”.

The bizarre post begins with dooce talking about her cousin’s engagement and wedding.

I said yes to more than my schedule could handle, including an engagement photoshoot with my Mormon niece and her Mormon fiancé who are getting married in August.

She then promises not to make embarrassing wedding night sex jokes or something, instead launching into a weird rambling accusation of a (presumably sexual) violation by her “first penis”.

The first penis I saw up close and personal-like was very small…That man was a totally condescending asshole to me…you know what? You took advantage of me and violated me in the most horrific and humiliating way on the floor of an apartment in Chicago…Almost 20 years to the day later I am opening up about it for the first time in a single paragraph on a blog post, and even now it’s uncomfortable to talk about it because I still wanted to be with him after he did that to me…Also, you broke up with me, asshole.

She goes on to announce that she “masturbated for the first time in my life at age 36”, an event which made her ask “If this is a sin, why did god invent electric toothbrushes?” She concludes with the engagement pictures of her “cherubic” cousin and the groom-to-be, with a reminder that she is going to Paris where she will “get a baguette and immediately make inappropriate sexual gestures with it”.

  1. Instagram Welfare Queen

    WTF is wrong with people?!

  2. Little Broom On The Prairie


  3. Resentment Rental


    • Resentment Rental

      I was going to post this but my computer crashed. LOLLLL! Believably unbelievable, that dooce(TM).

      • Resentment Rental

        Okay, so that was me. I see the comment posted before my computer crashed. I fail at the internets today. But I still stand by my comment LOL

  4. Pineapple McCrazy Eyes

    Oh my.

  5. Pancake Pooter

    This sounds more like a blog post from mandajuice.. phew stinky!

  6. Spectacular Pubic Meltdown

    Welp. That was a steaming hot mess. Wonder if the happy couple knew what they were getting into asking for that favour.

  7. babysnark

    I don’t know how to tell her this, but I don’t think God invented the electric toothbrush….

  8. Danni

    She didn’t masturbate until she was 36?

    • Jan74 feels Old Condo Hate

      It does explain why she is so uptight.

  9. tweecronut

    I read that post twice and still can’t find the segue from “Mormon couple getting married” to “open letter to Heather’s first penis.” My condolences to Meredith and Taylor, I’m sure getting Heather involved with your wedding seemed like a good idea at the time.

    • I often wonder if most of her family just sits around like this


      most of the time.

  10. EmLaur

    I read the whole post on her blog, and it not only came off as jumbled mess, but also, really immature – especially about sex. “Roasting the broomstick”? Come on.

  11. Pancakes and Bullets

    I feel like this is her retaliation to whichever relative asked her for this favor of taking engagement photos. Sure I’ll take them but I’ll make the post so inappropriate and embarrassing you won’t be able to share the link.

    I feel sorry for her niece. Her happy occasion was turned into an excuse for a condescending TMI post.

    • Redrah

      I wonder if the niece was nudged by her parents to ask dooce. I can just see someone thinking that this could be a good bonding experience for the family. NOPE.

  12. what_is_written

    wait…. what??

  13. DoTheLaundry

    I would die if I were her niece. And I’m neither Mormon or twenty something. Good grief! Why doesn’t she have any sense?

    • Strawberry Seasonality Smugness

      My guess is that she made a deal with Satan to give up common sense in order to style herself “Queen of the Mommybloggers.” Or something.