The bizarre post begins with dooce talking about her cousin’s engagement and wedding.
I said yes to more than my schedule could handle, including an engagement photoshoot with my Mormon niece and her Mormon fiancé who are getting married in August.
She then promises not to make embarrassing wedding night sex jokes or something, instead launching into a weird rambling accusation of a (presumably sexual) violation by her “first penis”.
The first penis I saw up close and personal-like was very small…That man was a totally condescending asshole to me…you know what? You took advantage of me and violated me in the most horrific and humiliating way on the floor of an apartment in Chicago…Almost 20 years to the day later I am opening up about it for the first time in a single paragraph on a blog post, and even now it’s uncomfortable to talk about it because I still wanted to be with him after he did that to me…Also, you broke up with me, asshole.
She goes on to announce that she “masturbated for the first time in my life at age 36”, an event which made her ask “If this is a sin, why did god invent electric toothbrushes?” She concludes with the engagement pictures of her “cherubic” cousin and the groom-to-be, with a reminder that she is going to Paris where she will “get a baguette and immediately make inappropriate sexual gestures with it”.