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Former That Wife Finds New Outlet For Getting Attention

Jenna, now living absolutely, has discovered Periscope. For those of you who don’t know, Periscope is basically a live webcam/webcasting app where people can use their phone to broadcast whatever they want. A lot of people use it for things like walking around interesting places and talking about what they see, or at events where they describe the scene for people who aren’t there. Others use it to record or broadcast classes for review or home students. Some use it to show off their penises. Jenna of course uses it to sit and talk about herself and how hard life is.

So instead of book club, let’s do a live watch of ‘Testing’, episode 1 of Jenna’s Periscope.

In her first (hour long) broadcast Jenna opens by giggling with glee that omg 6 people are watching. Then she shows off her dress – it has pockets! – and talks about how she’s trying to avoid polyester but just had to pick this up at the Goodwill. She likes the dress because it covers her cleavage and she doesn’t want the 10-15 year old boys she is teaching to stare at her boobs. She then starts explaining she was late because she thought she could get home from work and get the kids in bed. They didn’t want to go to bed but she said “too bad” because she had to get on Periscope.

At last she launches into her soliloquy. She says she wants to try Periscope because she is “lonely…all the time” and is spending a lot of time in therapy talking about how she can be less lonely. Apparently her husband works all the time and her kids are no longer “at home…anymore” so mom groups are out; she’s self-employed so she can’t make friends through work; once she gets the kids in bed it’s “too late to go out” and sometimes she doesn’t “have the option” to do that. But also she lives in SF where “everyone works all the time” so there’s no one around to hang out with during the day. So in her struggle to make friends, she thinks “part of the problem is location”.

She says she is “not a single parent” because she has “an awesome husband” but he works all the time. But that’s ok because that’s how they can afford to live in the Bay Area and have the kids in preschool all day while Jenna does…whatever it is she does.

Screen Shot 2016-04-22 at 11.33.12 AM

Then she spends 10 minutes babbling about how awesome her daughter’s school is. At school the kids get to sit down at meals together, which Jenna laments “never happens” at home, since her husband works and she’s always busy answering emails and eating at the sink. The school is also great because the parents who pay the full price – “like us” – help fund tuition for the “lower tiers”. And it’s so diverse! There are parents and kids who “don’t speak english”, but it’s not like the Bay Area is super “white”. It’s just “very white slash Asian slash Indian”. That’s ok because her kids’ school has African-American kids, Hispanic kids, “diversity!”

Weirdly though, her kids “don’t have any friends” except at school. They’re “not in a kid friendly neighborhood” because they keep “choosing to live in gentrifying areas” and “cultural differences are trickier” than she thought they’d be. Then she explains what gentrification is so you’ll understand the problem is that they are white rich people living in areas typically populated by the lower classes.

Next up Jenna talks about how she loves Toastmasters because she can get up and talk in front of an audience. She’s having her speeches recorded so she can have a nice portfolio of her public speaking skills for her resume.

Now she moves on to her son’s school. It’s a great school because the target demographic is kids who wouldn’t otherwise get an education – such as “the Latin population”, which she says means “South American”. She was hoping they would all speak more Spanish so her son could pick up a second language, but it’s a good school anyway. Also, you can double-tap to send her ‘hearts’ on Periscope. Anyway, her son’s school started because there are disadvantaged demographic groups who don’t think they can go to college because of the discrepancies in school quality and economic limits, so obviously it’s ideal for her son from an upper middle class white family. Then Jenna complains about her son having homework that requires parental help because she feels that’s “really parent homework not kid homework” and she shouldn’t “have to sit with him” to help him complete it. It “makes for crappy evenings” even though it’s “one on one” that “might be helpful” to him.

Then she shows us her undecorated bedroom before moving on talk about “deal sites” and how she had to stop using them because she just kept buying cheap crap. Which leads into her “trying to Kon-Mari the house”. Someone asks her about Prince’s death I guess, because she says she has “no connection to 80s culture” before starting to blather about how awesome her “water” bottle is. Personally wondering if there’s water in the thing.

"Have you been drinking red wine all day?" "Oh it's heart healthy!"

“Have you been drinking red wine all day?”
“Oh it’s heart healthy!”

Then she starts talking about Weddingbee because they used to do broadcasts, so she can “broadcast for a really long time”. She says she is “very good” at doing a “one way live broadcast”. She asks for “prompts” about what to talk about on her Periscope in the future, even though she loves being “the Jenna show”. She likes it to “be about me all the time” so maybe she should just “embrace that”. Then she claims she has “really terrible stage fright”.

Now we get to hear about their new home. She says they paid $750,000 for it and it’s 1500 sf single level. She starts talking about how 750k is a great price, because living close to downtown was a priority for her. Even though it’s a “lower income area” they are close to downtown and that’s an “extravagance” because she can walk everywhere.

We used to DREAM of living in a corridor!

We used to DREAM of living in a corridor!

It won’t be their “forever home” but she’ll see. She repeats that it’s “not a neighborhood anyone would describe as nice”. They are still living in a rental because they are planning to gut the entire 1950s structure and she is “overwhelmed” because she is using a contractor who is “not really experienced”.

She talks about hiring an engineer and a decorator and having Home Depot out to measure everything so she doesn’t have to do any of that stuff. She says she probably won’t blog about the renovation even though she keeps notes because documenting everything comes naturally to her “as a blogger”.

The scope starts winding down with Jenna talking about how there are so many strangers joining her broadcast – “the numbers are going up really high” to 40 people – and that it’s weird to have so many strangers joining a public broadcast that is also listed on Periscope’s app as something you can join. But she is “not nervous about the internet at all”. But she says it “might be time for me to stop” and slurs that this “isn’t quite what I was going for” because she doesn’t want to spend her time blocking “creepers”. She spends the last couple of minutes blocking people and talking about how she is “an expert blocker” because she has “no qualms about blocking anyone” because her longtime fans “know how awful it got” for a while. She uses the word “trolls” because of course.

Then she says “goodnight officially” and is “looking forward to doing it again” and begins giggling and swaying about, saying she may just title her future scopes “The Jenna Show”. She then attempts three times before managing to close the app and end the broadcast.