Fashion Blogging Mommy Blogging

Jessica Quirk’s Birth Story, Let Us Enjoy It Together

What I Wore finally squirked the Mini Messica she always wanted, and now that she’s “processed” it she would like to  sharebrag the “emotionally healing experience”.

Messi starts off by reminding us she went past her due date.

The morning of my 40th week appointment (and two days past my due date) I woke up early to some light contractions…We went to see the doctor as planned and I was at an emotional low after weeks of prodromal contractions…

Later that day she thought she was in labor, but wasn’t, so she “had a bowl of soup” and went to sleep. Then the next day she was maybe in labor again? But was she? Yep, she was. She could tell it was “the real deal”.

These contractions were different. I’d call them… primal? Deep into the core of my existence primal.

Welcome to ’50 Shades of Labor’. MY INNER GODDESS CRIES FROM THE DEEP, PULSATING WITH BIRTH TREMORS, UNTIL SHE EXCLAIMS IN LIFE GIVING SQUEEZES!

Anyway, they get to the hospital and Messica is shaking and sobbing and after an hour of “real deal” labor she apparently had hip fatigue and wanted the drugs.

I told Adam I thought I should have an epidural. He reminded me of my plans but also told me I had the highest pain tolerance of anyone he knew, so if I was serious, we should go for it.

Now this is just nonsense because everyone knows Dooce is valedictorian of everything, and I assume that includes thresholds of suffering. But sure, ok. She goes on to imply she had some revelatory moment in the middle of all this sobbing and shaking and drug begging.

…one of the things that came up was why I really wanted the natural birth in the first place and my answer – bragging rights – later revealed a lot to me.

So she had the epidural and like many women who choose to let their saddle snooze, she is “so glad I did”. I guess because it allowed her to focus on her answered prayer – the little vintage dress pile heiress sliding painlessly towards her blog prop future.

…the main thing I remember from that afternoon was how happy I felt – I had this enormous smile on my face the whole time. I felt so peaceful and joyful – really unlike anything else I’d felt in my life. It was euphoric!

Suddenly people were screaming “there’s the head!”

I pushed three times and she shot out all once like a cannonball. The doctor literally had to catch her.

Lest you miss the point, Messica had the greatest birth ever.

…hallelujah for western medicine. Because of it I didn’t just get through the birth of my daughter – I really loved the experience…I will never forget how powerful and healing the experience was for me. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life.

Yes little Bee Emoji’s painless VBAC birth has repaired the wound caused by the c-section birth of her male elder sibling. At last Messica can be faultlessly happy with her life! Right?


  1. Newt

    Poor Felix

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  2. barefoot hillbilly

    I think she edited that. Her Instagram says:
    "Beatrix is four weeks old and today I posted her birth story to What I Wore! So if you need something happy and uplifting to read in these uncertain times, you can read about the best day of my life! "
    And now the blog post reads "one of the best days of my life". I'm pretty sure it said "the best day of my life" about half an hour ago. Oopsy daisy GOMI reminded her she has a son!
    Does anyone have the post open from a while ago?

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    • Alice

      Yes, the birth of a landless daughter to a nobody housewife in Bloomtucky Indiana does indeed sweep away all the sadness and fear of "these uncertain times". God bless Messica for selflessly blessing the earth with her existence. #BeeWillSaveUsAll

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      • barefoot hillbilly

        I know all my troubles will be far away now that I've read how Messica had the best day of her life #Felixwho
        SO UPLIFTING AND JOYFUL

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      • Glen Coco

        Beemoji "shot out like a cannonball"

        LIKE DIS?

        aH2qzN.gif

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      • LaverneandHurling

        I'll admit the birth of my friend's daughter just days after the election did distract me and make me feel like, "Hey, not everything is going to hell!" But that's because I care about my friend and her family. Some rando on the Internet had an epidural? COOL STORY.

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    • Authentic Family Journeyman

      May not be the best day of my life, but this is the best GOMI article in a long time.

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  3. BeginningsChang

    I'm glad she got a birth that "counts." Poor Felix, what with his stupid penis and c-section arrival that didn't make her a real mom.

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  4. #iloveyouandimeanit

    Pretty sure Jessica thinks she's in Children of Men

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    • urban gypsy

      This is the best/funniest thing I've read on the internet today !

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  5. Mooch

    She went a whole hour without the pedirla!

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  6. KAS

    I won't lie, I do want to read her full post on how she wanted to go drug-free for bragging rights. At least she's honest, unlike so many GOMI targets.

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    • wolf in sheeples clothing

      I was thinking that too. I originally wanted as little pain meds as possible, but my great-grandma (90 at the time) looked me square in the eye and said 'I WISH I'd had that option. Take the drugs you numbskull. Going drugless isn't a badge of honour- we did it because we had to, you don't.'
      (No shade meant to those who have the fortitude to go without. I did not.)

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      • Purple21

        I unintentionally had a drug free labor when I arrived at the hospital too far along for pethedine - yeah, yeah, empowering etc, but then the next day my back seized up and the pain was so bad, I couldn't move so the woman in the next bed had to ring the nurse for me. They prescribed Valium for the pain and took the baby into the nursery because they didn't want to take the risk of me picking her up if she started crying.
        So much for a natural birth.

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      • Farting Absolutely

        I wanted drugs.....buuuuut I had such a bad experience recovering from a c section with my first kitten that I refused epidurals the next two times in an effort to avoid taking steps down the road to another section. I needed to be able to move around. It had nothing to do with me being stronger than someone else or a better mom. Just a personal preference.

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    • AnnPerkins

      The thing is, she ISN'T honest. She is all about the #perfectonlinelife and is notorious for doing things like insisting she feels fantastic and beautiful, then writing posts about how hard it was for her to have her body changing, then continuing on with her #perfectonlinelife posts.

      Additionally, if she HAD gone drug-free, it would be all about the bragging and shaming people who don't do it her way. Her whole post about the birth was crowing about how glorious her birth was and how she could ENJOY it because of her epidural (unlike those suckers who go drug free).

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    • Extremely Large Size Medium

      Good for her for realizing she didn't have good reasons for having a pain-med-free birth and having a happy birth, but one does have to wonder if there's a wee bit of confirmation bias going on afterward.

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  7. Wellokaythen

    Why do these women tell these stories like they deserve a medal?
    I have also squeezed a human out of my vagina and my story is exactly the same as this (without the back patting and and 'pain tolerance'), as are MOST UNEVENTFUL births.

    Can we as a gender also please stop kidding ourselves that birth is a 'healing' experience. I love my kid with my entire being, but her birth was gross and painful. I'd definitely say that the 16+ years since that day have been my favorite part of being a mom.

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    • JustBathingWeekly

      I had two kids, each time with no drugs, It's been 17 years and I'm still waiting for the f'ing medal to show up!

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    • Farting Absolutely

      I agree except for the healing thing. My 2nd and 3rd births were healing for me because I was treated humanely. The first birth I was bullied and lied to, then neglected by the hospital staff. My husband was blackmailed into getting me to agree to a c section I didn't need, told if he wanted to see his baby being born he'd get me to say ok to the surgery. My OB was just a piece of shit, basically. So the trauma from that was eased with time and being treated with decency the next two times I gave birth.

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      • Another Thing

        That sounds so bad. I agree that medicine or not, the ideal birth is one where the mother feels safe, empowered in a sense, and truly seen and cared for. Ugh--so sorry for your experience.

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  8. hashtag

    Remember when Felix was born and we never heard about the cats again? Likes like FAQ is getting the Raymond and Gizmo treatment. Anyone catch her insta post that said, "So if you need something happy and uplifting to read in these uncertain times, you can read about the best day of my life!"? Kinda says it all. The best day. Not ONE of the best.

    Poor Felix.

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  9. JustBathingWeekly

    Two things:

    1. When did the whole phenomenon of telling your birth story originate? Why do people think that the masses are interested? I had two kids. I went to the hospital, gave birth, the end. Why do people feel the need to share the gory details???

    2. Describing giving birth as your baby "literally shooting" out of your vagina, is preposterous. And regardless of how quickly the baby emerges from your body, the doctor (midwife, doula, whatever) still needs to "catch" said baby, because that sucker is slippery.

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    • sundae

      when I had my second son, I joined an online birth club. I didn't really need to read about everything or join any physical groups but still wanted to keep in touch. It was a pretty common thing to tell your birth story, I'm just guessing, but I assume everyone who has become part of any online forum in the last 10 years feels like its part of annoncing the birth.

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    • tWreck-a-Saurus

      1. Online birth boards really encourage the whole birthing story thing. And I don't know about other people, but I was one of the first in my friend group to have a baby and everyone wanted every single detail when they visited me. I had like three different versions, depending on what rating you wanted. That being said, I didn't blogcast it and I don't share it unless we're close and you're curious.
      2. I came out of my mom so fast she caught me with her foot. I suspect this is a bit of family folklore, but she's pretty adamant that's what happened. I'm inclined to maybe believe it, since the doctor wasn't in the room. I think of this every time someone describes the baby coming out so fast someone had to catch them. No shit someone had to catch the baby--that happens literally every f***ing time.

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  10. thisiskrister

    This probably will come off white knighting but whatever.

    I don't follow this lady, but I can understand where she's coming from in a birth being healing and that it was the best day. My 1st kid was a c-section that I was pressured into, followed by a epidural that slipped out before surgery, and a baby born who couldn't breathe on her own because she was born too early. It was a horrible day. I love her to death, but her "birthday" and the NICU time following sucked ass and left me with a lovely case of PTSD and PPD.

    My 2nd birth (and 3rd and 4th) were way different and yes, as hokey as it may sound, were healing.

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    • barefoot hillbilly

      Messica came away from her first child's birth with a healthy full-term baby that spent no time in a NICU. I see what you're saying, but I don't think your experience is that similar to hers (I'm glad your other births were easier).

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    • Quarter Assed Quilt

      A birth can be a healing experience - my first was an emergency C, and I was really left emotionally reeling from the whole situation. The birth of my second was a repeat, scheduled, C-section, and yes, it was incredibly healing. All the pain I still had from the first birth was just released and gone *poof*, like magic.

      The difference is I didn't back-pat and congratulate myself after #2 because I did such an OMGamazing c-section. I was walking on air after that second birth, complete bliss. I was so thankful, but did not think that *I* did anything to "earn" it. I was just f***ing lucky.

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  11. Boofrickinghoo

    Birth is birth, every woman's is different, none are snowflake special. Including mine.

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  12. #FelixWho

    Thank you, hams, for my new username. 😀

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