Lifestyle Blogging

Momastery Wants To Protect Her New Friend

Glennon Doyle Melton, bruti-full-of-it, posted this weekend about a new special friend.

And here is the interesting thing about how I feel introducing her to you here, about bringing my new beloved friend to this space. I feel nervous. I feel so protective of her. Because sometimes it feels like we have guidelines for how we respect each other but we throw them right out the window when it comes to celebrities…I want my friend to be safe here with us just like you are safe here with us.

To honor that protective feeling Glennon wrote a long detailed essay about her “new friend”. Her “new friend’s name is Oprah”, and they didn’t just record a segment for Oprah’s television channel. They have been “corresponding a bit” via email. They “make each other laugh” and call each other “God’s Girl”. She has a celebrity friend, and she will be protective of that celebrity friend by telling you about the decor of her celebrity friend’s home and tell you about their family dinner, about how they “prayed together”.

Let us all praise Saint Lap for her discretion and class in protecting her celebrity friend. You see, “Names are so important.” Especially when they’re worthy of being dropped to increase your own brand’s profile.

  1. oh, you

    Why am I getting shades of “my girlfriend…who lives in Canada”?

    • Im Gonna Go Fondle My Sweaters

      Her name is Alberta; she lives in Vancouver.

      • Heather Chandler

        She cooks like my mother and sucks like a Hoover.

  2. Busted Coccyx Club


  3. PricklyPete

    George….George Glass…

  4. Dame Helen Chichester

    I follow Oprah on Instagram and saw that she picked Glennon’s book as her next book club selection. Ole G and her truth will soon be billionaires…

    • Busted Coccyx Club

      Ohhh, and she’s hanging out with Gayle too!


    • Jay Bee

      Super smart to get that divorce before all the Oprah $$$ starts rolling in. I still cannot believe that this fake is about to rake in serious cash for a marriage-saving guide AS SHE ENDS HER MARRIAGE.

      • urban gypsy

        Um you are so wrong. As per her insta, “Our marriage didn’t fail. It transformed us into braver, kinder, wiser, healthier human beings. Our marriage was a success of epic proportions. And It’s not just over- it’s complete.”

        Seriously though, I am beyond baffled by her marriage situation. I am so confused and anyone who can provide any insight, I would be deeply grateful.

  5. realhousewifeofnewengland

    Pretty sure Oprah does not need protecting.

    • size small caftan

      Is she trying to make Oprah into one of her needy fans? Don’t think so, Glennon!

  6. Another day another struggle

    “Life is a tunnel and we writers call our truth out loud and then we get really quiet and wait and listen. The waiting is a little scary, but then the echo comes. Our tribe calls back… I hear you. Me too. Me too.”

    “Sister Oprah, meet my people. My people, meet Sister Oprah. Please welcome her to our fold with all the love we’ve got.”

    I’m assuming this book is under comedy? WTF I almost couldn’t stop laughing reading this. It sounds like she discovered Oprah.

  7. YeahNo

    Pretty sure the subtext is, “Y’all better not embarrass me in front of Oprah” just in case Oprah decides to check out the comments section, there better not be anything UNPLEASANT there for her to find, especially about herself.

    It’s the kind of preemptive introduction I make when I have talked shit about one person to another, and someone needs reminding that YES I did say this person was a crazy b**** but WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT NOW.

    • Roadkill on Batshit Lane

      Would anyone NOT buy that?

      • Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch

        You get a T-Shirt!! You get a T-Shirt!! You all get a T-Shirt!!oprah-free-car.gif

        • YeahNo

          Something good can come from all of this after all.

  8. King James Virgin Only

    I’m so confused. What could happen to Oprah, exactly? Momastery has more power than I ever realized if just knowing her endangers her friends.

  9. lowedown

    God she’s so damn weird. Beyond. She took something that spoke to people and couldn’t handle it right. Years ago I read something Glennon wrote and I was like wow.. This makes sense. But too many bored and or depressed women jumped on and she got the worst, most massive savior complex of any blogger out there. She started lying and exaggerating to keep up. And it’s so obvious it makes me uncomfortable and twingy.

    • feeny

      Yeah I mean some of the things she writes can make sense when pulled out in to blurbs but as a whole she is just so f**king weird and into herself. Plus I haaaate how every sentance she writes has a word she shmade up in it.

  10. Elegant Baby Turtle

    I wonder if Oprah would find that post creepy.

    God’s Girl

  11. I…am new to these proceedings and I I am deeply saddened by the fact that I just read through that whole essay of bullshit she wrote, giving up time in my finite life that I can NEVER get back. I just can’t believe how many people buy into this, the thickest layer of phony ‘love for the world’ I’ve ever encountered. I’ll admit I don’t read many lifestyle blogs, so maybe all of this “tribe, warrior, love drum circle jerk” is par for the course but it just makes me feel dirty.

    And the fact that she might actually believe that Oprah is some deep soul sister of hers now is more hilarious than anything I’ve read in a loooong time. My mother says I’m a fairly cynical hater when it comes to these “all praise be” happiness, give the world a hug pushers, but man I just refuse to believe that when the camera or the blog or the radio or the whatever isn’t pointed at their well staged ear to ear smiles that these people are any less petty and b****y and selfish than the average human. It just grosses me out.

    • Right. I mean, I got an email from a famous person once and he used my name and everything and I was sort of giddy with excitement when he referred to “we writers” as if I were SOMEONE ON PAR WITH HIS EXCELLENCE but I didn’t harbor any illusions that we were going to start banging or anything. It’s called protecting your brand. If Oprah had blown her off or treated her like crap, it could have done monumental damage to her rep.

      • I don’t know what the nopes are for. But frankly, that’s why celebrities are always “SO NICE AND SO FRIENDLY” when you meet them. Not because they give two shits about you, but because if they blew you off you’d be broadcasting it on twitter within five minutes.

      • Thumper

        99.9% of the population has never heard of this Momastery woman, so I sincerely doubt that she could inflict “monumental damage” to Oprah’s reputation.

  12. Apeeling Attire

    Should be noted that the dinner, the prayer, all the special friend-bonding time….it was all filmed. Glennon filmed a TV segment with Oprah and it’ll be on OWN. But leave it to G to turn “filming a TV segment” into “we are BFF now”.

    • photoshoplies

      Exactly. What did she expect? They are on TV. Do you think Oprah is going to find G’s sycophantic behavior annoying and say “Girl, bye!” Everybody loves Oprah because she makes everyone feel special and connected and we didn’t even kiss up to her by claiming a love of Nate Berkus and using as much Oprah-speak as possible. That whole build up made me think G is losing it again. Just simply say “Monkees, I met Queen Oprah and you can see us on TV together!” It reminds me of Amy Schumers bit on meeting some famous actor and assuming they were not engaged because he was nice to her.

      • size small caftan

        Oprah must have liked her well enough to feature her book in the book club, though. I don’t understand it, Glennon’s writing is all mumbo-jumbo psycho babble to me, but as much as I can’t stand Glennon’s writing, Oprah must like it. I hope it gets widely panned in her book club, though. If someone doesn’t see through this crap, I may lose faith in humanity.

        • Mike Flugennock

          Well, let’s not forget that it was Oprah’s book club that gave us The Secret. (spit)

  13. photoshoplies

    My post got eaten. I agree with Alice. Oprah makes everyone feel special. That’s how she became The Oprah. Glenon’s response reminds me of Amy Schumer’s shtick about meeting Bradley Cooper. He was nice so she assumed she was engaged. Only difference is Schumer was JOKING and she probably didn’t have to hire an agent to set up that meeting. (I assume Glennon has a well-connected agent?)