Internets

Julia Shares Her Unique And Unusual Past

I WAS A DANCER MOTHERf***ERS

Julia Allison, special snowflake and adventure haver, just wants to make sure you haters finally believe she was a DANCER. Apparently unlike every other gee dee upper middle class suburban American girl, she took ballet. Wow…she just gets more unique and interesting with each passing day.

My ballet school growing up.  I was never athletically gifted, but I loved to dance.  I practiced ballet from the age of 5 until I left for college – the whole thing, pink tights, black leotard, hair in a bun.

You guys, I think we can finally all agree that Julia was a DANCER. She had her hair in a bun, folks. That is serious DANCER shit right there.

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Internets

Because No World Event Is Covered Until Paultato Head Weighs In

So much wind from such a small potato.

Paul Carr, England’s way of thanking us for Gwyneth Paltrow, would like to close Brazilgate with his decisive ass kissing:

As Sarah wrote, it also meant that she would now not be able to meet any of the scores of startups who had hoped to speak to a visiting TechCrunch reporter. If I were one of those startups, I’d be pissed. I’d be pissed at my government for not getting their technology together, and I’d be pissed generally that I’d missed an opportunity to showcase my business on a foreign stage. I might even post a comment saying as much.

Why…I had NO IDEA half the country was avidly awaiting Scary Lacy’s unique and insightful blah blah blah. I can’t even write about her without falling asleep, sorry.

Anyway, Paultato head also thinks Brazillians are a bunch of over sensitive whackadoodles who need to calm the hell down already. I mean OMFG she insulted your country and memed your flag. WTFEVER!

And what about this flag business? I mean, seriously. If I understand you correctly, Brazilians, Photoshopping your national symbol with a joke meme is an unforgivable affront to your nationhood, and yet painting it across your girlfriend’s breasts at a soccer game or screen-printing it on a tiny g-string is a wonderful celebration of national identity?

First of all, this confirms that Paul is gay, because putting anything on breasts or g-strings? AWESOME.  Second, the people painting boobies aren’t walking around the planet with flag tits telling people how Brazil is an epic fail for failing to be up to the standards of the Almighty f***ing TechCrunch. (Seriously how important do these taints think they are?)

Oh I see! The whole point of Paul’s snoregasm is because he is jeally! Nobody pays attention to him!

I was hired by TechCrunch specifically to be the controversial one. Unlike the rest of the writers here, who have actual reporting credentials, my whole shtick is saying inflammatory things and inciting furious debate among morons. To that end, in my very first column I declared war on anonymous commenters, making it absolutely clear how much I hate every last one of them, and even threatening to bludgeon the little basement-dwellers to death with their own Wil Wheaton action figures.

But nothing.

Well it’s probably because you are boring, Paul. Here’s a tip; you’re there because you sucked a lot of cock and kissed a lot ass, and TC needed filler. Not because you’re some awesome writer. You and Lacy need to get the over yourselves already.

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Internets

Oh Sarah, What Would Bob Woodward Do?

Smokin hot!

Sarah Lacy, threat of rape victim and hater of comments, is the latest casualty of the cruel cruel world of anonymous commenters:

I’ve been attacked in Austin, Israel, China and Africa for seemingly innocuous things I’ve done or written, but no one has ever gone after my husband. Now I’m in a position where he’s incensed and scared for my safety and trying to convince me not to travel to Brazil at all, to cut the country out of my book completely. And if you’ve read some of the comments– that’s not necessarily an over-reaction.

Poor Sarah can’t understand why basically telling an entire nation they should be embarrassed would incite said country to spew hate at her. In fact, she is just not going to go to your stupid country at all probably. I mean, if you can’t handle the truth then you don’t deserve Sarah “Woodward” Lacy in your presence!

Will I still go to Brazil in December? I don’t know. I want to. I have my visa now. But would you go to a country where people were threatening to spit in your face and rape you as soon as you arrive in exchange for, um, you wanting to help their businesses?

That’s right you go girl! A smokin hot tech reporter like you doesn’t have to put up with this shit. You just go to Afghanistan instead. That’ll show em.

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Internets

Sarah Is The New Robert Redford, Except Not Awesome

I got your deep throat right here.

Sarah Lacy, self-absorbed twet and not-going-to-Brazil person, has christened herself the new Bob Woodward.

(Me on the phone with Bernstein, er…Paul Carr discussing Spotify last night. That’s right, Paul, I’m Woodward.)

Look folks. If the 9 people who know slash care who you are aren’t dubbing you with the moniker you’ve desired your whole life, then maybe it’s because you haven’t given them any reason to make the connection. Assigning  yourself a nickname just makes you sound like George Costanza demanding to be called T-Bone – pathetic.

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Internets

David Karp Is Fucking Sensitive, You Nebish

Can you help me move this couch into my van?David Karp, creator of something, is exploring Jewphistication:

Does it upset Jews when non-Jews put turkey, ham, and bacon on Challah bread?

No David, it upsets Jews when an arrogant shaygitz tries to be funny.

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Internets

Rachel Puts Safety First

Needs more retard

Rachel Billow, the apparently intelligent vaginal American who mysteriously tolerates Julia Allison, has finally figured out the Orwellian purpose behind twitter:

The reason tweets have to be <140 characters is so you can read them while driving and finish just in time to swerve and avoid an accident.10:42 AM Sep 2nd from web

Thank the stars someone responsible is on the road to show all those Cher Horowitzes of Chicago how to totes pass their driving test.

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Internets

Julia Thinks You Deserve To Know She Gets Booty

We are not ready for this jelly.

Julia Allison, champion failer at blogging, thinks you should know that it’s not like she just adds anyone to her Facebook.

Me: Actually, my summer fling (aka ‘Booty Text’) isn’t a “friend” of mine on Facebook either. @RBillow: This is a truly disturbing trend.about 5 hours ago from web

It’s like we are twins. I know when I talk to my friends the first thing on my mind is ensuring that the exchange is sufficiently jocular for tweeting to the entire planet. Why enjoy the actual conversation when I can spend time deciding which combination of 140 characters will get me nominated for the next hooray-for-us book of tweets?

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