Internets

rbillow Continues To Practice Safe Driving

snerrrrrrd snerf

Rachel Billow, sous chef for the drive-thru called Julia Allison’s digestive tract, keeps on keepin’ on with her totally-not-going-to-run-over-a-kid driving technique:

Hancock Building in the fog. Not a bad photo, considering I was driving and therefore not looking at the camera. http://twitpic.com/h1owuabout 9 hours ago from TwitterFon

I think we’re starting to figure out why she’s friends with Julia Allison.

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Internets

Call NYT, Emily Gould Is Aging

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over how self-important I am.

Emily Gould, secret Julia Allison friend and the female Paul Carr, is growing older! Like, every day, folks!

I was headed towards the cash register…when a couple cut in front of me in line.  They didn’t mean to; they probably didn’t even see me… They were in their early twenties.

Any other night would surely have elicited a “Don’t you know who I am” and Street Fighter II music cueing up. But tonight, holding her dark chocolate and beer, Emily was just TOO SAD:

I went home and made myself a Greek salad and ate it out of a plastic mixing bowl and thought about how I will never be that young again.

I’ve seen her pics, and she was never very young to begin with, but poor Embo must really be feeling the bitter sting of defeat to be such a Debbie Downer.

[M]y life isn’t materially very different than it was when I was the grocery store couple’s age.  All that sets me apart from them is a little bit of experience that sometimes seems like a lot and sometimes seems like not nearly enough.

Let’s forget that Emily’s blog sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher in my head; nevermind the ungrateful, whiney tat canvas has a couple of book deals and a thousand hipster fanzies who worship her. Nope, Emily is AGING. Her life is so depressing and hard because she is doing what every other human alive does – gets older. Can nothing be done to help her???

24

Internets

Arrington Is Such A Deludinoid

sexay

First of all, it has to be said: Whoa b****. Look at the sex dripping off this hunk of man. Ok. Moving on!

Michael Arrington, misguided person in charge of hiring people, actually thinks there are times when Paultato Head Carr writes well!!!

@kate_marigold it’s necessary. @paulcarr only writes well when he feels threatened and vulnerable.about 22 hours ago from web in reply to kate_marigold

So basically Arringitout forces Carr to I dunno, read his own articles naked in front of Lance Bass? Makes him watch “Becker” reruns with a wicked stoned sea otter? Tells him to turn in a piece shorter than a Russian novel? Probably the last threat is the most likely to make him feel vulnerable, but the writing ‘well’ part I’m still not seeing.

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Internets

Can Someone Please Talk To That Lodwick Fellow

is this a  mentos commercial

Jakob Lodwick, perpetual character in an Orbit gum commercial, would like to share a little poetreeeh with you.

Right vs. Left
is wrong at best,
a superficial ruse

that blocks the mind’s
perception
of the underlying truths.

You know, if Dr. Kutner had left this behind maybe I wouldn’t feel so empty and confused about what happened. As it is, it’s probably just old brickdick being artsy, or wiccan, or something.

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Internets

The Magical, Tragical Kingdom Of bratgirlallison

Like pepto bismal afterbirth

If you’ve ever wanted to take Julia Allison’s apartment, the powder room of a nursing home, and the clearance aisle at Wal-Mart and create a perfect recreation of the inside of I Dream Of Jeannie If She Lived In A Trailer, you’re in luck! that allison person has done all the work, and you get to enjoy the results!

Except for the omg parquet floors and the piles of trash sitting around (you’re putting a pic of your home online – you can’t be ed to pick up the clutter?) it’s every 4 year old girl’s dream home!

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Internets

BREAKING: Paul Carr Continues To Fail

Fail Squad Activate!

Paul Carr, useless nobody and a fail at trolling, has been fired from yet another job.

Hey ho, another day, another firing. And I think this one might actually be a new record – what’s it been? Five weeks?

…annoyingly but tragically predictably – I’m hearing whispers of weirdness from ’sources close’, so I figure I might as well write something. If only so I never have to talk about it again.

In a nutshell, Paultato is boring and nobody cares. No one is reading his drivel, and the Telegraph noticed:

This morning I received from (weirdly) the boss of my editor at The Telegraph. I quote…

“I’ve been looking at the latest traffic figures for your blog and also our budget and how we’re spending it. And I’m afraid I’ve reached the conclusion that your time blogging with us should come to an end… Our limited budget just cannot sustain these sums without a bigger bang for our buck.

In other news I have just been hired by the Telegraph. Just kidding! The best part is when he turns into a chastised 10 year old – he didn’t want your stupid job anyway you poo poo face!

When they first approached me to blog, I wasn’t convinced about writing for the Telegraph… there was the fact that I have a book to write and TechCrunch had made me a compelling offer to columnise for them weekly. I didn’t really need another gig .

So yeah! Paul doesn’t even CARE that you fired him because it’s all your fault for not letting him write what he’s world famous for! Jesus, if only people would listen to Paulmighty Carr, the internet would be wonderful! Don’t you know he’s the only drunken jackass on teh intarwebz who curses and makes racist jokes? Why can’t you let Paultato be great, Telegraph!

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Internets

thatgirlallison Continues To Race Towards Complete Idiocy

Significantly underweight.

thatgirlallison, victim of blueprint starvation and healthy body haver, has shifted her field of op/ed to include service worker’s right to tips, a job she most likely knows nothing about:

On one hand, how much extra money do you expect me to give you for driving your car and walking my pizza to my door?  I think the concept of tipping has become excessive is America.  Everyone seems to think they deserve a tip nowadays.  Don’t you think your baristas at Starbucks deserve a tip?  Certainly.  Don’t forget, if you don’t want your change, you can throw it in that tip bowl at McDonalds!  That scantily-clad bartender at Marquee also deserves a $5 tip for the $18 tumbler that was only filled three-quarters of the way with liquid too.

I know how she feels. Everytime Pa tells those mexicans to pick more strawberries and they don’t do it I just git so mad! Those things don’t stay ripe forever, Paco, and if you want your $1.20 today you better get to picking! It’s so hard to get good service at a reasonable price these days.

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