Book Club Lifestyle Blogging

‘Ramshackle Glam’ – A Liveblogged Book Review

Well it’s finally Friday and I don’t know about you but it’s been a long, sweat and work filled week over here at Casa Fiestabritches. I actually planned on doing a different book this week; but to be honest, by the time I got home at noon I was just over all the braining I did the past 5 days. I mean my attention span is at nothing right now, hams. So I decided to do a lightweight old classic instead. So get out your eyeliner and coochie cutter denim shorts, because it’s time to read ‘Ramshackle Glam – The New Mom’s Haphazard Guide To (Almost) Having It All’ by Jordan Reid.

Overview: Yet another self-indulgent, upper middle class woman thinks she’s the first person to talk about having a baby.

This cover is trying way too hard.

This cover is trying way too hard.

Chapter 1 is ‘Welcome To Your New World‘. Jordan starts off by saying she doesn’t remember much about the moments following childbirth other than the fact that she put on mascara so she would look good for the pictures that would be all over the internets. The next thing she remembers is her son sleeping while she drank apple juice. Then she passed out again, then woke up and “charged towards” the nursery apparently screaming “GIVE ME MY BABY”. She then breaks down the first two weeks of being a mom, which apparently means lots of crying for no reason.

But then she cried because she realized babies need things, and she did not have these things, and so had to go to a Babies’R’Us where she cried some more because she was overwhelmed by all the things babies need. Which…really, you’d think with all the available online information about preparing for bringing home a baby she would have done all this shopping like, months ago, but this is Jordan so drama must be generated. She then provides a list of things new moms might need, which again is information already all over the google machine, but ok.

Chapter 2 is ‘Fashion‘ and features a drawing of her ‘sexy hipster’ twitter avatar.

Sure. Why not.

Sure. Why not.

If you know nothing about Jordan you should know she loves to posture as a victim of harassment due to her clothing choices. She starts off this chapter with a story about how her fashion forward decision to wear glitter eyeshadow and men’s pajamas around Poop’s Kitchen in February as a pre-teen resulted in her being picked up by the cops, who were convinced she was a runaway prostitute or something. The point of this story is that “fashion” is “hugely subjective”, as if a tween wandering around a crappy area of New York City in pajamas with no coat in winter should be greeted by police with a nod and a #sobrave hashtag.

Then she dives into her Pat Benatar-esque ‘Legend of Billie Jean’ strong-woman-who-won’t-take-your-crap rants. People on teh intarwebs comment on her tripping around on her roof in six inch platform stilettos and daisy dukes, and this means Jordan has to Stand Up For Feminism, because she can wear what she wants. Her rant over she proceeds to offer up a list of post-partum outfits that includes loose boho dresses, wrap dresses, scarves, and sunglasses. If you’re boobfeeding she suggests stretchy tops and nursing tanks. She tells us it’s ok to leave your house without pants because “mommy brain”, before giving us advice about stretchy jeans with fabulous shoes, sunglasses, and red lipstick.

Then we have Date Night fashion, and Jojo tells us she used to wear heels like she was Ru Paul, but once that kid finally shot out she was “DONE”. So she finally embraced the occasional flat in leopard print. Then there are several pages about her time at a private school in NYC where she totally bucked trends or something. The point of this apparently is that Jordan sometimes sees trends she’d like to try but she doesn’t because she wears what she wants. Because she is a trendsetter, not a trend follower, I guess. I skip the last page of ‘go on with your bad self’ girl power fashion #supportfemalvoices crap because honestly she is getting tedious at this point with her weird defensiveness about her attire.

Chapter 3 is ‘Beauty‘ and I’ll be right back after this fire escape break. (Told you, my attention span is just zilch today. The good news is, this is the first drink so I will actually finish the book this week.)

I actually call them 'Lazy Girl Margaritas'. No Squirt required.

I actually call them ‘Lazy Girl Margaritas’. No Squirt required.

Ooookay back. Sorry had a computer freezing incident. So this chapter starts off with a couple of pages detailing all the ways Jojo overthinks her looks, and beauty in general – her face, her body, her home. She does another round of When I Was An Actress (did you know she was an actress? In Los Angeles? She was an actress) and how Being An Actress made her think “much too much” about her looks but all the things she worried about were wrong. Just wrong. As wrong as continuing to talk for almost a decade about an ex-boyfriend who stiffed you out of a role on a show that went on to be a hit. Because you were “too pretty”.

I know you think this has nothing to do with this chapter but basically half of this chapter is Jodie gassing on about her time in L.A. and how beauty standards worked against the full breasted thin blonde blue eyed self that she was. And how her lack of success as an actress had nothing to do with her wooden presentation in everything I’ve ever seen her in, no no – it was because she was “an unhappy girl with an angry boyfriend”. Then suddenly she flips into a story about her first audition for a commercial…which segues into some tale about how she no longer cares about shaving her legs? And THEN starts talking about how her hair got crappy after giving birth which is pretty much a universal thing and not nearly the Thing No One Tells You that she makes it out to be. (Aside: Same thing happens when you change/go off birth control pills. Srsly. Hair where u go?)

Finally she gets to her beauty tips which include don’t sleep in makeup, drink water, sleep a lot (wait isn’t this a book for new moms? I just say), apply face cream and eye cream every night “no excuses”, wash your hair, keep your nails in order. She includes a tutorial on false eyelashes for some reason, because obviously this is something that new moms are thinking about as they deal with leaking boobs and spit up and a meatloaf who refuses to stop being the screeching tool of your mental destruction for 4 solid months of gas and teething. Are we at the part where she talks about having a nanny because seriously who else can worry about this stuff if being a new mom is as hard as she says?

Chapter 4 is ‘Home‘ and Jodie kicks off by talking about her “couch fixation” which honestly, I get that. She also tried so so hard to do the white couch. She also is like wtf how do I have stuff that my pets/kids won’t break. She does spend too much time in this chapter detailing her decor choices, which I flipping HATE, but sure. (Seriously, I regularly go into detail on her thread about why some of her choices don’t work.) But this chapter does actually strike a good balance between ‘I’m neurotic as Crap and pets and kids mess stuff up’ and ‘well how do I work with that rather than against it’. So basically the home chapter not as annoying as the rest of the book so far, though it’s not helpful for decor advice unless you want your home to look like Jojo’s.