Eric Hites, the begging biker who had to end his “Fat Guy Across America” ride due to heat, attempted yesterday to ride 50 miles – despite heat index predictions of over 100 degrees. He even claimed he intended to sell plasma at the halfway point of his ride saying he had “no choice at the moment” because “that drive from Dallas wasn’t cheap”. He decided not to go through with selling his plasma after his enabler army begged him not to, but the ride still ended in a predictable manner.

So, I headed back home. By that time my water had gotten pretty darn hot, but I had no way to buy the cold stuff so I had to make due [sic]…Apparently the heat overtook me and a passerby called 911 on me…Next thing I know I’m wobbling down the road and the Police put an end to my ride and yanked me from my ride and tossed me in the ambulance. I was pretty overheated and dehydrated and not very coherent. They took me to the hospital pushed fluids and ran tests…they fixed me up gave me my marching papers and said go home, rest and also rest tomorrow.

The convenient emergency happened about 30 miles in on his ill-conceived stunt ride, and gives him a 36 hour breather to get pity donations and come up with another reason why he can’t do any of the things he claimed he’d be doing for 30 days.

Eric Hites, the Moby Dick of fail whales, announced on his facebook page that he and his albino smurfette friend are now back home in Indiana to regroup. In an endless video featuring his neckbeard and more excuses than a post-Ashley Madison marriage counseling session, Eric blathers about his latest big plan.

We’re basically doing a 30 day bootcamp…I’m going to be working out at the gym AND riding every day. We’re gonna be workin’ on my diet, we’re gonna be workin’ with the medical, we’re gonna be workin’ with the dental, we’re gonna be workin’ on the RV, everything we can get done in the 30 days, we’re gonna get done.

He implies that everyone around him told him to go home and get his RV fixed, his teeth fixed, and see a doctor – presumably so science can study why a man can eat all the “right things” and allegedly bike for hours every day for a year and somehow manage to not lose like a grillion lbs – and then start the “second half” of his “journey”. He also says his goal is to get his “first 50 mile day” and it will be “documented with somebody riding with me”.

He then starts with his vaguepleas for donations; he is “trying to figure out funding” because “funds are rough” right now. He says he is “trying to find ways to raise money without constantly having to ask”. His solutions include “sponsorship possibilities”, selling FGAA branded products, and selling links from his bike chains. He then declares that both he and smurfette “are going to work”. But even with jobs they need to get sponsors because his trip “costs between $600-700 per week”.

If you want to feel like you’re in Ben Stein’s economics class then head on over and watch his video. I did, and I have to wonder if Dr. Phil is somewhere rolling his eyes.