Shannon Bird, DIY facial surgeon, is currently rampaging through my city with the ill-behaved child army she is unable to buy food for. Like most tourists with kids she made a stop in Central Park. Unfortunately nobody warned the pigeons.

Shannon Bird, so many questions, discovered a ‘nodule’ on her ear. Rather than, I dunno, go to a medical professional, she decided to get some wire snips and perform surgery on herself.

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The Bird family, a gene pool that might convince you natural selection is a work of fiction, have put up their Christmas tree. Did they measure and safely trim down the tree before bringing it inside and placing it in the tree holdy thingy? Of course not. Why do that when you can simply bring a chainsaw into the living room and start ripping away right there on the rug?

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Shannon Bird, exception to all known laws of Darwin, spent today explaining why the whip cream comes out of her cans as a milky sludge. Apparently it’s because Shannon lets her kids use them for whippits first.

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