Jordan Reid, look how cute I am!, is famous for shilling for basically anything. For instance, upon my visit to Shillshackle Sham today I was greeted with an ad telling me to “lock in an out of this world rate with Ditech”. So it’s not surprising that she’s now giving us another trademark “I am fkn adOOOORable” video featuring her shilling for tabasco sauce!

Of course you can’t just do a video. You have to include a (semi-scripted) story about why you loooove hot sauce now. And what better time to remind everyone you are married than hot sauce story time?

Kendrick puts hot sauce on everything. Ev-er-y-thing. He is very sweet and gives every meal I make him a perfunctory taste to “get the full effect” before going in for the kill…but it always ends up nicely sauced.

Historically, I haven’t been a huge fan of hot/spicy stuff. I’m generally a pretty adventurous eater, but this is just one of my “things”: I am someone who does not eat foods that are described as being “hot.” And I most certainly do not willingly add hot sauce to my plate. Why would I do that? I hear that it hurts. And I don’t like things that hurt.

But then the other night I was happily munching away on my order of Atomic Wings and Kendrick said to me, “You know, I bet you’d like hot sauce.”

It goes on, and on, and obnoxiously over the top on, and finally we get to see…this:

As well as shilling for anything, publicity’s bff Jordan will also attend anything. Last night she went to three, count em three! events for what reason I don’t know. Ann Taylor summer clothing preview? You bet! Really expensive French underwear show? Jordan’s ass is there! Club Monaco’s preview of their spring crap? It can’t happen unless Jordan attends.

In less irritating blogging, Jordan did manage to post about cooking some stuff and not once did she mention burning or breaking anything. Progress!

Julia, hungry, enjoys brains. She enjoys picking them, and discussing their machinations. But after so much face feasting she may feel queasy:

All smiles before the jump.

Afterward, I was motion sick for a solid two hours. Awesome!

Luckily, Julia had The Unnamed, above, to face-suction to for stability. She’s also happy to let someone else bring her to a safe landing, informing us that she’s “quite happy to have someone to pull the parachute for me, thanksverymuch.” If you know what she means!

We joke. Anyway, it looks like those crazy kids had an ok time or whatever. To be honest I still have no clue why I’m supposed to care about these two, apart OR together. I mean…whatever else you can say about Julia or This Bro, they *do* make a physically attractive pair, that’s really about as much deep thought as I have for that situation right now.

The only thing I REALLY want to say is I think she should skip that stupid bi-coastal party thing this year and just hit laser tag or go cart racing with This Bro, and then maybe hit a margarita bar, but I could just be projecting my birthcray desires here.

So um, yeah, look at those f*kng people up there!

(Sorry I’m still drunk from last night, my birthday is tomorrow and I’ll probably be drunk until Friday night so just comment and I’ll go back to drinking with my cats!)

Jordan Reid, door not-locker, recently discovered that you can curl your hair with a flat iron. Let’s ignore for a moment that most women over the age of 13 who own a flat iron have probably known this for at least a year, and contemplate Jordan’s other hair beauty info:

The best part: I have no idea how or why, but waves created this way last forever. Franny and Karmela both told me that my hair would look even better on Day 2…and both times that Franny styled my hair like this, I woke up the next day looking like I’d just stepped out of the salon. And on the morning of Day 3 (I only wash my hair every third day because a) it’s dry, and b) I want to minimize damage), it still looked good.

She IS aware that maybe not bleaching your hair every 3 weeks also helps minimize damage? That laying off the heat styling helps? I mean, with all the money she throws into her appearance you would think she could afford (or free shill for) some insane celebrity miracle conditioner.  Hair as fine and limp as Jordan’s should not be so damaged that she has to NOT WASH IT for 3 days at a time.

Maybe time to rethink all those keratin treatments, eh?

Jordan Reid, incredibly long and ridiculous list of time wasting activities called a career, just can’t seem to learn a freaking lesson.

I’ve always wondered: if I suddenly discovered a strange man in my apartment, how would I react?

Last night, I got my answer.

And the answer is: poorly…

Last night around 1AM I was sitting on my computer typing away, and Kendrick was just getting back from walking the dogs. He was crouched in the kitchen, sort of around the corner from the living room, taking off their leashes, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed that there was most definitely someone else in our apartment. I turned, saw a man in a blue shirt walking slowly through our living room…and began screaming. 5-alarm, Jamie-Lee-in-Halloween-style screaming.

Is she EVER going to figure out that she needs a self-locking door? It’s pretty clear her husband can’t manage to lock the stupid thing.  She better address that, and I don’t mean with another “Oh it’s nobody’s fault, bliss and forgiveness” post. She needs to train that man or put in some more automatic locking measures. Otherwise, one of these days she’s going to wind up starring in a real life episode of Law & Order.

Julia, last name seemingly forgotten by various New York media people I asked, is the mysterious and unknown girlfriend of an unnamed high profile politician’s son. She is also meeting the parents tonight.

Meeting The Boyfriend’s parents at dinner tonight. Let’s just put it this way: jumping out of a plane at 13k feet was less nerve-wracking. 30 minutes ago via Echofon

Rumour has it the anonymous girlfriend is approaching her 30th birthday and may just be shopping for a high profile husband. When asked for more information about the possible relationship of this secretive woman, most of my sources replied with “Wait, who? I thought she moved to Idaho last year.”