Meaghan O’Connell, awesome, finally decided to get on birth control at the age of 26. Unable to deal with the traumatic experience considered to be a normal adult event for most women, Poundcake began texting people for support. First she grabbed at her mommy:

“At the gyno getting birth control, EEEEK!” I knew this wasn’t the proper way to communicate, kind of like telling your spouse you bought a car before you pull it in the driveway, except the car is your reproductive system and you are supposed to not need to ask your mom when you are 26 if it’s okay. She texted back, “Meaghan, please.”

Then she probably completely weirded out whatever greasy hipster man-child she is fumbling about awkwardly in the dark with:

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my face, cringing, wide-eyed, joking that they should make the pregnant women exit through the back. Who wanted to see them there, all swollen and irrevocable? Who wanted to be reminded? He texted back saying he hoped all of my gyno dreams came true, which meant he hoped she put my feet in the stirrups and exclaimed with great conviction that my vagina was The Best Vagina. This did not happen. I missed him, too, then. I missed everyone. I put my phone away.

Then ole Megsorz got started with her exam:

The doctor came in and before I could even ask her if I would be going to hole for having sex outside of marriage/interfering with conception/not believing in God anymore, she started talking really fast and told me to lie back and show her my goodies. We transitioned to the pussy stuff before I even remembered why I was there.

Now that you have a nice visual of a doctor twisting about between the legs of Poundcake, let’s proceed to watching a 26 year old grown ass woman have a freakout:

I saw myself gaining 20 lbs and then blaming it on the pill when it was really just me, crying every night to my boyfriend and blaming it on the Pill when it was really just me, and never wanting to have sex again now that i can’t trick my uterus into thinking maybe this time it’ll get what it wants when it was really just me, freaking out about freaking out. To be fair, all of these things really did happen. I gulped. The gyno cocked her head. Somewhere, a baby cried.

“I want to get on birth control,” I said. She nodded. My eyes got big, I wanted her to know how big of a deal this was, “I’ve never been on it before. So yeah. I dunno.” I shrugged. Naked and shrugging; it was basically the worst conversation I’d had with anyone post-vagina touch…

My boyfriend came over later that night and I showed them the lube pictures I took while I lie on his chest and complained about the trauma of being a responsible adult. I waved my hands around but they were buried under my cheek.  He laughed at me, kissed me. I told him I didn’t know when I could even start taking it. I realized she hadn’t even explained. I forgot to ask. There was so much I didn’t say and it was over before I could get up the courage to ask what I wanted to, “Am I doing the right thing?” My mother wouldn’t tell me. Twitter wouldn’t tell me. She never told me. There was no right thing.

The next day, at home in our separate apartments, my boyfriend and I each downloaded the PDF off of the pill’s website over Gchat. I told him that he better enjoy this conversation now because I’d probably be dying of a blood clot soon. He asked me to try not to, as a favor. I said sure.

I’m just going to say it: this was written for the express purpose of Poundcake talking about how she has a boyfriend as many times as possible. Congrats, cake. Please don’t ever make us think about your vagina again.

As a favor.

Meaghan O’Connell, awesome, has a special announcement. If you missed your chance to order The Greatest Book Of Our Time, you, yes you, can be present to hear her talk about getting her mudkip pokemonned live and in person!

Tomorrow at some bookstore Meggo will be available to discuss her sex book and sign your copy. She’s inviting everyone:

Everyone coming to @mcnallyjackson on thurs? i invited the guy i wrote my story about over a twitter DM. so that should be fun for everyone.about 9 hours ago via web

That sounds…fun. I’m sure we are all thrilled to know that information:

@meaghano Yes. That sounds like fun. Really. So much. Can you see my excitement?about 9 hours ago via web in reply to meaghano

@theunread WHOOPS about 9 hours ago via web in reply to theunread

Wait so…is Dustin the guy she is currently boinking or the guy in the story? Or neither? It’s like a bad game of Clue. Now I think I need to go just to sort this out. Does anyone have an ironic tee, dirty hoodie, and skinny jeans I can borrow?

Without Poundcake around we are sort of blank on “shortly” jokes. So instead, let’s see if Jessica Quirk is getting mental over the potential loss of  years worth of mediocre pigeon toed pics:

Dear @tumblr staff, can we get an explanation of why you have been ‘temporarily unavailable’ all week and when it might be fixed?about 24 hours ago via web

Not one to sit around and mope, Messica decided to shop through her rage:

Mega Christmas shopping spree for Mr. @quirk. Best. Christmas. EVER!about 23 hours ago via web

Meanwhile the ever gracious Mary Rambin doesn’t seem to notice that tumblr is even down. From her facebook status:

Sunday funday celebration at Hudson after the launch. Shh..don’t tell WordPress I only put this on my tumblr (hate the WP app).

Ah well. According to tumblr’s twitter it should be back up in time for your drunken New Year’s Eve overshare pics:

This has been a slow and painful recovery, but we’re almost through. We’ll have more info to share as soon as we can post to our blog again.

REJOICE. PS: hire some people already, tumblr.

tumblr, the BBS for hipsters, has been down for an hour or so, and twitter has started to read like the public’s reaction to Orson Welles reading “War of the Worlds”:

antderosa RT @tehdik: Good lord @tumblr. I will pay for a premium membership to keep my site up. 17 minutes ago via TweetDeck

YourWorstHalf Tumblr, Would you please work!! 😐 less than 10 seconds ago via Mobile Web

eddoeslife @tumblr time for a new CTO maybe? The service seems to be down 20% of the time as of late. What the heck is going on at #tumblr

_ericabaybee holy hole. WTF is up with #Tumblr??!?!?! half a minute ago via web

They apparently have an angry database:

We’re working quickly to recover from a major issue in one of our database clusters. We’re incredibly sorry for the inconvenience. about 1 hour ago via web

In other news, former tumblr CTO Marco’s website InstaPaper appears to be functional.

Mary Rambin, “social media consultant” and “writer”, has apparently relaunched her highly successful and original More Than Mary:

Seriously please excuse my scruff.  It’s been a LONG week. And there is nothing sexy about website development.

Yes I can understand how draining it can be to hand money to someone to code your wordpress css while you go off to Mexico to review a hotel. Can you imagine how rough you would look if you had to actually code it yourself???

Oh. You’d look like me. Movin on!

She has a weird video up here, and her version 3 of morte de Mary is here. I am going to keep my peace on the new version, except to say it’s about on par with Mary’s banner ad designs.

Randi Zuckerberg, sister of the ginger Facebook dude, is knocked up. Now all her friends can enjoy all the boring sonogram pics and status updates about first fetus movements, labor, and nursery decorating just like the rest of us do after we follow that chick from high school!

Oh and congrats or something. Yay, kids. Hope you enjoy disappointment and sleep deprivation!