Since we are all basically over Mary at this point, let’s turn our attention back to princess Jordan.  Yesterday Jordan decided to do a blogprint cleanse, and Crap her verbal diarrhea out in this post about how she hates cleanses, but is doing one anyway:

On this site, I avoid the topic of diets and nutrition as much as possible. This is mostly because, as I’ve said, there are tons of places out there on the Internet that discuss exercise, nutrition, and what-have-you…but this isn’t one of them; I’m much more interested in chatting about fabulous burgers than I am in discussing the nuances of arm curls. I’ve also been fairly vocal about my discomfort with the idea of cleanses (and, honestly, diets in general), because my instincts just say that they’re bad for you: I feel like they’re dangerously restrictive, screw with your metabolism…and don’t really effect long-term change either in weight or in eating habits.

My only experience with doing a cleanse was in LA: I had a bunch of friends who were on the Master Cleanse, and decided to try it for myself, just to see if it really would make me feel as renewed and amazing as everyone said. To do the Master Cleanse, you spend several days (one friend of mine did 30, and I’m surprised he’s still alive) ingesting nothing but water spiked with lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, and occasionally doing “Salt Water Flushes” (yick). I know some people say it works for them and makes them feel “just fabulous!”…but I think they’re lying. Or being delusional.

Nothing about the Master Cleanse made me feel anything close to fabulous. By the third day, I was literally hallucinating, and had dropped about seven pounds from a frame that did not benefit from pound-dropping (even though I added extra maple syrup, as they advise you to do if you’re not trying to lose weight…big eye roll). I looked like the Wicked Witch of the West, and I acted like I was high. I met with a friend for tea (I’m sorry: hot water with lemon), and she more or less did an intervention and took me directly to a restaurant and shoved solid food down my throat. My personal opinion: if you’re feeling less-than-great, cut out the alcohol and caffeine and eat a little “cleaner” for a few days (lean proteins, vegetables, that kind of thing), until you feel your energy levels return to normal.

But.

A few months ago I received a gift bag at an event that included a three-day subscription to Blueprint Cleanse. And today, my shipment is arriving.

That’s right.

Why? Seriously, WHY?! I’ll tell you. Because when I was at NS, the other girls frequently talked about how much they loved cleanses in general, and Blueprint specifically. I declined to try the product both because I don’t believe in cleanses, and because I felt that I would have been unable to provide a completely unbiased opinion on a product that was so important to my coworkers (no one said that I was obligated to give a positive review; that’s just how I felt).

Now, I don’t feel any such bias or obligation. And I’m curious. I’m such an impulse eater (what I want when I want it) that the idea of restricting myself to what I “must” eat drink for three entire days is just soul-crushing…but I want to know the truth about these cleanses, and about how they work. I want you to know the truth. In the spirit of Super Size Me, I think it’ll make for some interesting content for someone who’s totally opposed to the entire concept of cleanses to tell you what it really feels like to do one.

That’s not to say that I’m on any kind of vendetta (I’m certainly not equating Blueprint – or any cleanse – to McDonalds in terms of what it does to your body). I’m simply interested in giving you an honest, unbiased opinion on a fairly polarizing issue. And the truth is I’m feeling pretty sluggish lately, and have been over-indulging a bit in recent weeks…so if I end up liking the process and the results, I’ll tell you. I’ll also tell you if I don’t.

Here’s what I think will happen:

– Day 1 (today; the shipment arrives this afternoon): I will feel hungry and grumpy, but sort of excited about the challenge (and for me this is a major, major challenge). I will take all of this out on Kendrick.
– Day 2: I will cheat by sneaking a bite of Kendrick’s dinner or eating something that I can rationalize is sort of “clean-ish” (or, more likely, whatever’s in my refrigerator) when nobody’s around. I will be embarrassed to confess my total lack of willpower to you, but will anyway, because that’s the point of this semi-ridiculous experiment.
– Day 3: I will totally give up and head straight to Two Boots.

We’ll see!

UPDATE: I was planning to start halfway through today (the delivery arrived at 3) and sort of improvise, ending halfway through Saturday…but I just checked the site and they say not to do that. I figure if I’m going to do an experiment, I might as well do it right, so tomorrow AM it is.

I’ll be honest; too long, did not read. I skimmed it and basically picked up Jordan being her charming self re: NS, and trying to justify doing her yay awesome free spinach juice cleanse BUT NOT TO LOSE WEIGHT, but she HAS been pigging out the last few weeks, but it’s JUST AN EXPERIMENT that I don’t believe in!

Shut up.

Mary Rambin, former fashion person who made wrist testicles, is trying yet another career.  She did a stint with NonSociety, tried to get a web show thing or something, is being a blogger. Lived in NYC, then LA, and now back to Houston.

Not much different than a lot of other rich blonde 20 something girls do over the course of their 20s. But when you realize this all happened over the past year it seems like basically she’s been playing grabass while trying to figure out wtf she wants to do with her life before she hits 30. Now it looks like she is starting a new job: CONSULTING!

So, instead of selling out, I have taken on yet another job (because writing, editing, managing, designing, marketing, producing, and pitching a website is just not enough).

After much evaluation of my strengths, weaknesses, and passions, I established a job for myself that I really enjoy.  I’m sure it’s no surprise I have chosen to consult other companies on their branding and marketing strategies.  Yep, I’m a consultant. In this capacity, I am assessing a company’s brand within their industry and the community, creating a new message for that brand, and strategizing how to market and promote it.  I’m actually really enjoying it because I get to collaborate with different people, always have a new project on my plate, and maintain my own schedule.  That being said, keeping up with all of it is a bit overwhelming…Plus the travel that goes with it!

But! Spreading myself thin pays well, allows me to live in a nice apartment, and keep my blog the way I want it (and hopefully the way you like it).

This is what, her third career in 3 years? Look: I’m all for the whole “30 is the new 17” and “you have to try to new things” but eventually you need to pick a lane, people.

Whatever. I think this is the last Mary post for a while. She’s become just another normal chick with an obscure consulting gig and a blog. And face it, Mary is a sassiety girl, good looking, blonde, and in Houston. Pretty soon she’ll get married  to a 21st century J.R. Ewing and become a mommy blogger because that’s where all blogladies heading into their 30s go to die.

Nick McGlynn, adamant non-sexer of thatgirlallison and the man who brings you Obliterati, celebrated his blog’s 2 year birthday yesterday with a post featuring a be-candled cupcake and the caption:

My blog just turned 2!

My god people. Are we doing this now? I think dog birthdays are stupid, but blog birthdays? Poop I couldn’t even tell you when I started my blog. I would seriously have to dig back and find the first post or something. Who keeps track of this, much less announces it to the world?

You know what will happen now: NonSociety will have some NonSociety Turns Two Sponsored By Some Alcohol With The Word Two In It party.  Jesus. The internet was so much cooler back in ’98.

Mary Rambin, beach hair blogger, was having some trouble getting work done this week:

My roof deck pool is screaming for me to put the laptop down and lay out! But I’m determined to keep my nose to the grindstone this week. So many distractions when you work from home. Even laundry can grab your attention if you lose focus for a second. All it takes is a second!

So she decided the way to keep focused was to get some caffeine or something (what, I have no idea what she orders at sbux). Upon her arrival Mary was shocked – shocked do you hear? – to see “other people” awake and not at home in bed!

Apparently Starbucks is THE place to be at 11pm on a Tuesday night in Houston. I’m here for a late night eye opener to help me through a few hours of research. But why are they here?? I say “they” as in everyone who lives near the Galleria. Doesn’t anyone sleep anymore?!

What is with you people? Do you know what time it is, young man? Git on outcha heyah! Gorn on home! Everyone knows only bloggers and people who live in NYC/LA stay awake past 10!

In other news, her new apartment looks nice so far.

Well it’s Tuesday so that means Jordan Rekowstauch, person with a blog, is once again responding to accusations of being a trustafarian. She’s now telling the internet how she and her basically unemployed husband manage to live in the most expensive city in the country:

While I’m on the topic of disclosure: if I hear one more word about my “trust fund” I’m going to go insane. I do not have a trust fund, although I would be absolutely thrilled if I did. Kendrick and I support ourselves. It is tough. We are doing the best we can. I’m trying to build a career (freelance writing and television hosting, as supplemented by the income I get from working on this blog), and lord, is it depressing that being attacked comes with the territory (I’m not saying you’re attacking me; I’m saying that sites like this one seem to incur the wrath of certain readers).

You read that correctly: Barbie and Kendrick pay their bills, eat out, fly around the country, pay for dog grooming, etc, all from her blog and “freelance writing”. I’m not trying to be a bortch here, but how is she doing this without either massive credit card debt or some kind of insane trust fund? Does she have a chest of gold under her bed? Is she selling her organs? What?

Anyway, blah blah blah she signs off with the blog equivalent of a trembling lip and single tear running down her cheek:

I try to stay very positive here, but I’m…I guess I’m just feeling pretty miserable today. I’m 28 years old, I’m transitioning from a career that I didn’t love to a career that (usually) makes me really happy, and I’m just doing the best that I can.

DAMMIT PEOPLE. She’s just *sniff* trying her best and you *sniff* you are just SO MEAN! Stop *hiccup* accusing her of having money she and *sniff* Kendrick support themselves! *sob*

Richard “will sue GOMIBLOG for defamation” Blakeley breezed past another appearance with still no hearing or trial. According to the New York State Unified Court System website, his court date yesterday ended in yet another sad trombone:

People Not Ready (adjourned) – Temporary Order Of Protection Issued RoR Continued

Christ can this Crap just end already? We get it, it’s going to drag on and on and on until either nobody cares anymore, Jessica just wants to move on with her life, or he doesn’t get arrested for a year or something. Then they can strut in, demand a dismissal, and get it expunged from his record and he can OMG SUE ME if I ever talk about it again.

This is boring, can he please just get fat again?

Megatits McCain, democrindepenuplican, is back to proving to us haters why she got a blogging gig at Daily Beast while actual writers sit on their mom’s couch watching Fall Guy reruns:

How is it possible I have never been to the Madonna Inn yet?!? I need to stay in the cave man room! New summer goal! http://bit.ly/wVuad 8:47 PM Apr 30th via web

how is it possible that my mother can help me solve any problem?!?! I guess moms are just like that… 6:55 PM May 1st via web

Yes, behold the power of moms! They can help you out of those sticky dilemmas like:

can’t sleep so watching SNL, Vampire Weekend is the musical guest, random fact, we went to Columbia at the same time 🙂 12:53 AM May 2nd via web

Uh…yeah, these are the kinds of problems you WANT to have, Mega. Now, lest you think old Megabrain is all huge tits and blonde extensions, she wants you to know she keeps up on current events. Note her gripping commentary on the recent Gulf spill:

anybody else freaked out as about this oil spill? watching coverage on the news and it’s so awful and scary…. 5:04 PM Apr 30th via web

She’s not upset. She’s not outraged at the damage to the environment or the impact it will have on fuel prices. She’s freaked out as guys. How is it possible that someone with a decent education, and the advantage of being the fluffy blonde daughter of a former presidential candidate, could not muster up more than this to say? Girl you need to bend over and shake yourself, I think your brain fell into your tits.