Nick McGlynn, the sexual satisfier of millions and counting, is attending a soiree at the red tomater:

Law & Order SVU Event (@ Rouge Tomate in NYC) http://bit.ly/UjnnF

Similiarly exclusive events are being held by my mom in Wichata Falls, and my aunts Sharon and Moisha somewhere in Flushing.

Peter Feld, human fog machine, is not even laughing on the inside:

Watching that new “viral” Sarah Silverman video everyone thinks is so hysterical.

Of course, he does actually have a sense of humor! He’s got me rolling on the floor pissing Franzia with this one:

Great news! The Nobel Committee has awarded the 2009 World Series to the Yankees.9:16 AM Oct 9th from web

HA! A “make fun of Obama’s Nobel Prize” joke! Those just never get old!!!

You asked for it, you got it, because that’s just the way things work on GOMIBLOG.

Remember Emily Brill? Good old Hamily. You could always count on her country club boufhair, her matronly floral shift dresses, those huge white sunglasses. It was like seeing the mom from “Parents” do a lipdub.

Well, meet Cary. Cary is from WhogivesaCrap KS and is either 23 or 47 years old. It’s hard to tell and I can’t be arsed to look it up. Anyway, let’s jump in with a sample of Cary’s wordsmithery and you folks can decide if you want more:

I cruised to SoHo tonight on the Zig Zagger to meet Sara and Kristen for Diet Coronas. Along the way I listened to some Beach Boys, and I pushed up the sleeves of my Gap sweater, and I said, “Yes. Clap your hands if you think you’re in the right place.” I clapped my hands. And then this came to me:

I understood finally why I choose to part my hair in the center rather than on the side, per the request of everyone I know. I knew, I know now, why I wake up every morning and look myself in the mirror and say, “Self, do not be swayed to either side.”

Couple things. What in the Mexican hole is a “diet corona”. Is that a Corona Light? Because why even bother with Corona regular, much less light? Also, REALLY? You wake up every morning and you have time to stand around and ponder the metaphysical aspects of where you part your geedee hair? You’re either mentally ill or you need to just put that Crap in a ponytail already.

Welcome to the trollroll, Cary!

The always sexy Richard Blakeley is making sure you don’t miss your chance to buy his book!

Only 20 more days left until you can buy these bad boys IRL. 1 day ago • 5 notes

That’s right: the life affirming diary of his former eating habits will be available to you, yes YOU on October 27th. You should really preorder because that Crap is going to sell out faster than Julia Allison at a reality show open call!

And don’t be a big D about this. You know he needs money for his lawyer. Help a brotha out.

Nick McGlynn (pictured above in the patented Schlub Steel pose), personal photographer for thatgirlallison, has been kind enough to help me post during my drunken revel this evening. He has thoughtfully supplied the location of the New York Douche Party:

Scott & Caroline’s Birthday (@ Destination w/ @caro @juanjuang @drunkbrunch @blakeley @thatgirlallison @fimoculous) http://bit.ly/KGXGSabout 1 hour ago from foursquare

The sound you hear is vinegar and water flushing out the front door of Destination. And now, I’m going back to my vodka and Dr. Goldfoot and His Bikini Machine. Have a great night and avoid Destination unless you have a not so fresh feeling.

Paul Carr,  possible child hater, still finds crafting the Greatest Literary Achievement Of Our Time to be exhausting and difficult:

Reading through old emails from two years ago for the new book. This is really hard.about 12 hours ago from Tweetie

Considering the “ballpark” release date of his future Nobel Prize winner is June of 2010, you’d think the most important voice of this generation would get his Crap together and quit pissing and moaning about his oh-so-hard profession and just write something already. Seriously, he’s like Julia Allison with a penis – useless, talentless, starving for attention, and constantly bortching about how HAAAARD everything is. Just cut the Crap, Paul.

And by the way, don’t bother responding with anything along the lines of “Let’s see you write a book, c**t”.  Simply based on the fact that people such as yourself and Sarah “Bob Woodward” Lacy have managed to get published means anyone can write a book. Get off your “creative, troubled genius” schtick and finish the job.

PS: Your column blows.

Sarah Lacy, the most googled woman of 2002 in the Ukraine, is done being the nice sweet woman you know and love. She’s ready to toss out a few potshots at the other internets women stealing her thunder:

after a crap day, i had a GREAT call abt my china trip. did an embarrassing dance of excitement in the kitchen. thank god i don’t lifecast.about 8 hours ago from web

Ohhhh hahaha! Thank GOD you don’t lifecast because that’s the only way to really embarass yourself.