antikris, the wannabe Megan Fox of tumblr, is apparently having a hard time being a Vaginal American lately. On 09.25, she threw a bortch picnic for herself by unpacking a wonderful basket of this:

But this very minute, my nails are my current gripe. I’ve painted the mother ers 5 times in the past 2 days.  I found this awesome color but the polish is crap and I’ve got either the lumps or the bubbles going on.  I am a complete failure as a girly girl.  I cant wear lipstick, my nails suck, and although I have tried to wear dresses recently, I feel like a complete dickhead in them.  I talk about poop too much, I burp, and many times I will sit on my sofa and scratch myself.  I should have been born a disgusting man.

Um…o…k. So I guess Friday Princess Delicate Flower cooked dinner for the lucky fella she is dating, and it goes something like this:

Pasta SUCKED A MAJOR ORIFICE. Yours truly is such a failure as a woman that she neglected to notice that the recipe was for 2 servings and I mixed it with enough pasta for 10 people.

Evidently lil pissypout takes every failed attempt to be every-woman-it’s-all-in-me as a sign that she, well, fails as a woman. Christ lady. Calm the down. Nobody’s good at everything (except me, of course.)

Late yesterday afternoon a Mejicano mermaidic creature carried what appeared to be a 12 year old boy from the deep waters off the beach of Vacaciones Inmerecidas. After turning the boy gently over to rescue workers and inquiring if Tom Hanks was still married to Daryl Hannah, she returned to her aquatic dungeon, trapped by the knowledge that unlike Ariel no Prince Eric would ever come, and she would die alone with the scent of decomposing tuna.

In other news, a vision of Alice appeared in a tortilla today.

Biz Stone, one half of the ambiguously smart duo that brought  you Crap like “trending topics”, really needs an aide to come check his glucose level or something:

Can vampires use iPhones with their lifeless fingers? That could make for an awkward moment.about 22 hours ago from Tweetie

What in the HELL, dude? My uncle Murray is 94 years old. He thinks the Price Is Right is actually about prisoners competing for a pardon. He once said apples make you go blind. He told me the Loch Ness Monster lives under  his bed.

He’s 94, Biz. He’s allowed to say random odd Crap in public. Ok?

Paul Carr, God’s tragic experiment, has posted his latest coma inducing column. After 90 minutes of alternating between nodding off and reading his attempt to justify showing off the fact that an US Weekly staffer emailed him, I found this little nugget:

Holy crap! HE’S HERE! All caps – I panicked. I’m terrible at meeting celebrities; I always say exactly the wrong thing. “Roman, great to meet you. Have you met my 12 year old sister? You guys can use my room.” That kind of thing.

Because child rape is always hysterical! I don’t know about you but boy did I laugh. I even called up Jaycee Dugard and she howled with amusement! Keep it up, Paul!

Rachel Sklar, so rad it’s unbelievable!, has a life that’s cooler than having sex with Marlon Brando on the North Pole.

Wow. At one of the best apt parties I’ve ever been to in NYC. The overlap of hot and accomplished is off the charts. So is the apt. WANT.44 minutes ago from mobile web

That’s right, loser. While you sit at home watching 77 Sunset Strip drinking diet coke out of the 2 litre bottle*, Rachel Sklar is at the BEST APT PARTY EVAR. She’s not trying to rub it in or anything, but it’s important for her to remind you that your life is an endless ride on the windmill of fail, and her life is FUCKING BONKERS AWESOME. Have a great weekend!

*What? Like you always use a glass? Kiss my ass.

Kevin Rose, possessor of the weirdest thumb since Megan Fox, is sashaying about Belgium today. First on the agenda? Get an ironic waffle of course duh!

In Belgium, bought this @ the train station. I love this country! http://yfrog.com/0g1e5jabout 2 hours ago from Tweetie

In this economy it’s comforting to know that Kevin can be ironic even in the absence of slankets and pbr. I look forward to pictures of pints of dark Belgian beer, comments about the architecture, and jokes about throwing cats off rooftops.

Daved Karp’s Girlfriend Rachel, most adorable thing since that little monkey beanie baby, is doing her part to feed the Karp.

Yay!  Rachel made nine pizzas.

Ok…I really want to snark on her BUT I CAN’T. She’s so dang cute. Look at her. It would be like kicking a puppy. If she starts making homemade mac and cheese I will have to slam my head in a door.