Mary Rambin, consultant and social media expert, had a totally unacceptable breakfast today. As you know, Mary recently had terrible coffee at Brasil, some coffee shop in Houston. Being the fair person she is she decided to give it one more chance. Unfortunately, Brasil failed to be up to her standards:

I don’t know why I came back to Brasil for breakfast this morning.  Actually, I do, the wheat bagel I had last time was so good and the food looked solid.  The coffee was a  disappointment (remember the crater face foam), but I thought why not give them another chance.

Well, I’m sure you’re already shaking your head and don’t need me to tell you today’s cappuccino was almost undrinkable.  Burned beans and thick, bubbly foam. The barista, if we can even call her that, was rude and has no idea what it means to steam milk properly. At least TRY!

And, how….

Watch out, I’m about to go on a rant.

How can a place be nominated for “best coffee shop in Houston” and not serve whole milk.  AT ALL.  No whole milk in the joint. You can’t make a proper cappuccino without whole milk.

And the beans make Starbucks roasts look smooth.

Then, I ordered “breakfast eggs” (yes, I know they’re dangerous right now, but I thought I would just go wild this morning) and a bagel.  My grand total: $12.  Twelve dollars for eggs and bad coffee!

The staff must have been laughing as they watched me move from table to table trying to get a wifi connection.  Thankfully, a nice patron directed me to a corner where I could get online and complain about this poser coffee shop for 15 minutes while I waited for a holier-than-thou goth chick to throw down overcooked scrambled egg whites on my wobbly table.

No, the blonde priss is not pouting in the corner and slamming the keys as she types… but it’s just frustrating that I can’t find a cozy spot that appreciates the simple things in life: a proper cappuccino and eggs cooked beautifully.  I would gladly pay $24 if I could find that little corner of Houston.

On to actual important things.

You know what says breeding and class to me? Blogging about how Crapty a place is while I am still sitting at the table, in full view of the staff.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZxzsiycgcY&feature=player_embedded]

Jordan Reid, you may not know she’s married, has been married for 2 years. 2 WHOLE YEARS, PEOPLE. What have YOU accomplished in life?

Anyway Jordy got Kenny some secret awesome gift that she can’t tell us about or show on the video. This is so exciting!

This anniversary I made Kendrick promise, swear, cross heart etc. that we wouldn’t exchange gifts or do anything fancy. I did this because I wanted to blow his mind by getting him something that he’s wanted – needed, actually – for a long time now, and I didn’t want it to be about quid pro quo…I wanted it to be about him, because god knows, it’s a Jordan kind of world around these parts a lot of the time, and he deserves something special.

Update: No actual gift reveal in this video – you didn’t miss anything! The point wasn’t what I got him – it was how happy he was 

Maybe I’m not understanding the joke, but if you instruct your husband what to do for your anniversary, and then do the opposite anyway, isn’t that still sort of making it about you? Damn, woman. If Kenny wants to spend the hours he is not saying “I’m Kenny and I’ll be your server” digging through the bins at Ugly Crap From Chinatown, just to find you an omgunique gift then you should dang well let him. Stop bossing that poor man around. You’re not the only underfed blonde in Manhattan who gives anniversary blowjobs, you know.

Perhaps you did not know that Jessica Schroeder, of Park Slope, is soon to be the wife of  the most important internets man of our time? You may not know because she rarely talks about it on her tumblr.

Well apparently next week her true goal in life will be achieved – to be “Mrs. Anybody”.

Spent ALL day cleaning the house so it is spick-and-span when we get back from the wedding (and it looks great!!!!)6:37 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Yea… guess I’m kinda excited too RT @quirk Next week at this time I’ll be married to @whatiwore. Can’t wait.about 17 hours ago via web

BUSY day!about 4 hours ago via web

Look, I don’t normally bag on brides because really if they are that into it, fine. Having no desire to have a wedding myself I don’t really get the obsession some ladies seem to have over it, but to each their own.

What I will bag on is the seemingly calculated, scheming performance that was Jessica’s pursuit of a man. She wanted to get married and made that very clear over the years on her blogs. A cursory scan of her 4 years worth of gushing over boys easily reveals how she becomes whatever the guy seems to want -for Mraz she became a vegan, animal rights hipster girl who feigned horror at all her 26 year old friends getting married. That didn’t really work out. Then ole Quirk comes along and within months she starts chowing down meat, moves in with him, and showing her elitist ass.

She not only started a barely bothered with blog about her wedding and talks nonstop about the blustering dickweed she plans on wasting her life with, she’s got to tweet us all a reminder that as of September 5 she will be getting married, at her wedding, to Adam, who she loves, and is marrying.

No really…I get being excited about wearing a princess dress and getting wasted with your family. But since reading several years worth of drivel from this mental hairball, all I’m seeing in this union of souls is the culmination of a whiny, co-dependent girl’s quest for someone – anyone – to help her become a “Mrs.” You independent woman, you!

Just… eyeroll, dude. I predict an almost instant pregnancy and a divorce within 5 years. Best wishes!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f87eDutJS44&feature=player_embedded]

Mary Rambin, blogger for the Houston Chronicle, wants you to know that despite laying in bed for two days with a bug, she is in fact alive.

She got back in the saddle yesterday with spin class and some party, and today she’s got her nose back on the “grindstone” with a full schedule of posting! She’s already bringing it with a youtube video, a reader asking who her cinematographer is, and a post about doing squats.

No wonder she got sick! Nobody but a true entrepreneur could maintain such a grueling schedule and not collapse EVERY week! GOLF CLAP, PEOPLE!

Following her father’s win in some election, Megatits McCain got back to the most important topic on anyone’s mind:

I cant believe I am getting reactions to this, but yes -I took out my hair extensions this summer, always changing my lengths just not color about 2 hours ago via web

I moved home to Scottsdale and took out my hair extensions this summer, not exactly that radical but some people seemed confused. about 2 hours ago via web

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I noticed about this pic was not the dirty side eye Megatits is giving her skinny mom. No sir, it was her hair. I wondered all day – what DID she change? Well now we can all get back to our lives, because all she did was pull out the ratty weave and touch up her roots.

Next week Megatits appears on some tv show to shill her book and not talk about her weight or how her looks are really shaking up people’s ideas of Republicans! I can’t wait for her to finally break her silence about these issues.

Jessica Schoeder, hard worker, is working hard guys!

5-9 am. Almost 4 hours of writing! Solid start to the day!about 6 hours ago via web

I mean, by 10 am today she was just wiped out from all the hard work. She deserved a break!

Long day already. Breaking for a mani/pedi.about 4 hours ago via web

Poor dear. I know just how she feels. Some days I post like 4 times and I have to not post for DAYS, and just go to a spa and regroup. Then I come back and post for a day and need to maybe go to my country house for a few days and let Elma give me mani/pedis and serve me brunch.

Let’s give her a break guys. She worked 4 hours already today!!!

Peter Feld, who guards the Holy Grail in the valley of the Crescent Moon, wants you durned kids to realize you don’t know nothin’ bout the REAL New York! Yet another tumblr posted those pics of the 80’s subways (they’ve already been posted 9039285721 times, welcome to tumblr) which got this reaction from Doree Sharir (?), whose name sounds familiar but I forget:

Yeesh. My commute would have been so much worse 25 years ago. Honestly, compared to NJ Transit, the NYC Subway is a godsend.

This sent poor Peter into another manopausal fit about the good ole days:

So glad Giuliani made the city into a clean, safe theme park for a generation that doesn’t know awesome when they see it.

Wow, did someone run out of their Estroven, Peter? Sorry some people like riding in clean subways, dayum. Why can’t you appreciate an era in the life of a city without acting like it defined the city? Then again I’m just one of them thar rubes what moved into yer great city and don’t have no right to say nothin!

PS: See your doctor about getting the estrogen patch for those hot flashes!