ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT
Internets In the three harrowing weeks since Jake announced he was taking an internet break, we’ve all been trying to keep busy. I took up cross stitch and juliaspublicist opened an Etsy store selling xerox copies of people’s asses, and we both watched a lot of zombie movies. But nothing replaces Jake Lodwick. Well finally we are down to just one more week of waiting, because on November 17th Mr. Lodwick Sir will be back online! In the meantime, Jake would like to know: how old are you? I am curious, before I start blogging again in 12 days, how old my readers are, in general. WHO CARES!!! Can this week go by any slower? I feel like Nero waiting for Spock to come out of the wormhole here. What do you think his FIRST POST will be? This is too much, I need to go get drunk and sleep for six days! Kevin Rose, the unexplained pussy magnet, is now willing to share his overflow with you. That’s right, single gents – Kevin is now helping YOU get laid! single guys, tweet my friend @poshy: RT: Tonight I wish I had a boyfriend to sit on my couch with, drink beer, eat pizza and play games w/14 minutes ago from Tweetie Who is this leftover lady? Her twitter bio describes her as “Freelance Developer. Coffee Lover. Culinary fangirl. Gamer. Suicide Girl.” So basically she is a one of a kind, never-before-seen-on-teh-intarwebs vagina haver! Do Kevo a solid and hit up poshy! Don’t miss your chance, girls like that simply don’t come along every 32 seconds via 140 characters. Meanwhile, if you’d like an obese girl with back acne who lives on velveeta and Franzia, smokes cheap cigs, is unemployed and has cats, well, holeo sailor.
Mary Rambin, honorary citizen of Mexico, has joined the illustrious ranks of webaritos appearing in court: I accidentally ran a stop sign while in Houston this summer. Because I don’t have a Texas liscence, I can’t get rid of it with defensive driving, so I hired one of Houston’s go-to “get it thrown out” lawyers for $75 to hopefully have the case dismissed. Per usual, I’m the one in a hundred that has to go through the whole ordeal. And my cop is the one who ALWAYS shows up. So here I sit awaiting my fate, praying for a break so my car insurance doesn’t skyrocket. What should you focus on when going to court when you already know you aren’t getting punished? Your outfit, naturally! I’m Free! Head to Toe — Fendi sunnies — Emerson Thorpe jumper — Mom’s python Manolos — Tory Burch tote — Minimal jewelry — Order of Dismissal thanks to Sid McNiece and his team Everyone else in the courtroom was in jeans (and mostly t-shirts). That just seems so disrespectful! Show your judge some love with some slacks and a button-down. That’s right you disgusting slobs – stop worrying about the fate of your court case and get your Crap together. Dress to impress the judge and you don’t have to worry about your lack of counsel and inability to pay whatever fine may be handed down. All that matters is how you look! Of course, Maymay can’t really mouth off about respecting the court: But I’m not one to talk… The judge wasn’t happy I was away from the courtroom for longer than 15 minutes earlier today, so she taught me a lesson (to not cross her) by having me come back after lunch. You know what? It worked. I saw my insurance bill in the $2k range and so I bowed my head and said, “My apologies. I’m very sorry.” It was sincere and effective 🙂 Remember kids: when all else fails a pair of Manolos and smile will get you out of anything! Julia Allison, ballerina, has pretty much spent the last two years trying to recreate some mythical triumphant condom fairy costume. You know the one that supposedly rocketed her to fame on Gawker (remember that site?) During this year’s sad effort to top her Famous Gawker Halloween, ole Jules spent a month having panic attacks about getting some Care Bear costume. When she couldn’t convince anyone to construct one for free in 12 hours, she proceeded to crash parties in that getup you see above. She took pics. She made a really pathetic video. She was back in her hotel at 2am and posted photos of herself alone, in her hotel bed, in her costume, smiling to her limit. It all seemed rather sad at the time. Well for some reason, 10 days later, stories are starting to come out about Julia’s night in LA. One person claims she pretty much wasn’t invited to anything and just crashed parties that Shira was attending. Another says of Julia’s “partying with Leven” post, “Leven was basically just getting ready to go out to another party when she [Julia] shows up for what amounted to a 10 minute photo shoot. I guess so she could prove she hung out with a famous person. It was so totally dumb.” The sad reality of her existence evidently sank in at some point during that failure of a night: Once you recover from your fit of lulzilepsy it strikes you how depressing this is. Or as one witness to the trail of fail left behind puts it, “dude it was SAD, man. she was tryin all so hard to be cute and it was like no man, youre OLD too old to be actin like that. oh and then she was mad i didnt know who she was. dude i hang out with celebrities how am i supposed to know who some freak with a blog is?” Certainly reactions like that would be enough to induce ballet tears in a raging famewhore with an outsized sense of her own celebrity. Why am I even bothering to post this tepid gossip a week and a half after nobody cares? Because Julia Allison spins her “liecast” as some sort of glammy girl dream diary! of big gigs! and important people! and busy busy travel for important things!, and half of it simply is not true. She went to LA to crash Halloween parties and wait for Toph Eggers to booty call her. She is not sought after; she’s not even welcome at most of the things she attends. How long has it been since Julia was invited to anything? Written anything for a publication someone may care about? (And sweetie, one article in Cosmo in January does not a writer make.) She is somehow still basically spinning her ass off on that stupid tumblr of hers, sucking in stupid girls who think she is the ultimate writer NYC girl. She is still spinning it to agencies who give her jobs that should really go to people who can read a teleprompter and have some kind of presence. The truth is Julia Allison is a soon to be homeless lunatic obsessed with fame and adoration. There are 7 people on earth who like her enough to spend time with her; everyone else who encounters her is repelled. We all know if she comes to Los Angeles she is O V E R. She knows it, too. Julia, please stop it. Just get a job like a normal person, and stop trying to be Carrie Bradshaw Waldorf Charlotte Tinsley McCain. You have enough contacts that you could have a legit job in no time. Just go do that and get off my internets. Paultato Carr, the man who wears these shoes, has somehow snagged himself a woman. For the past few weeks his twitter has been peppered with references to some girl sniffing around his tater tot. Apparently she has now graduated to being referred to as “other half”: OH: “Well you don’t have to worry about me. We’ll never be having sex again.”4:09 AM Nov 4th from Seesmic OH: (me:) “Things just got a bit XKCD” / (Her:) “I’ve always wanted to be the stick figure with a ponytail”3:00 AM Nov 7th from Seesmic OH: “Gynecology is funny”about 11 hours ago from Seesmic Yes ladies, I’m sorry to report, but it seems Paultato is teapot over freakish converse in love. You’ll have to sit back and wait your turn! Peter Feld, huge fan of GOMIBLOG, has received yet another gush from thatchickallison: So, not only did I get Peter Feld to come out to Sabrina’s Versailles (write-up coming) event last night in SoHo, but Jennifer and I succeeded afterwards in getting him to come with us to Delicatessen (review coming). We felt accomplished. Thanks for humoring us, Peter Feld. As you no doubt couldn’t care less about, TGA wet her pink tights on Halloween when the Human Fog Machine appeared at some party: And then… Peter Feld showed up 🙂 Ohhhhh dawg! Get in there and toss her some Dr. Feldgood! David Karp has departed for Europe after criminally inflicting Tumblr on the intarnets. As you probably don’t recall, Rachel and her boyfriend are driving around Europe this month under the guise of “vacation”. We know the truth. They are trying to escape the angry mob of bloggers who hate him for sucking up their lives with tumblicity and liking this post-ness. Run, David. Just remember The Internet follows you everywhere.
Countdown: 7 Days Until Jake Lodwick Returns To The Internets
Kevin Rose Has Another Job For You
Internets
Mary Rambin In Court For Assault With An Outfit
Julia Allison Is Unwanted, Tears Ensue
Paultato Is Getting Laid, And You Are Not
Peter Feld Showed Up
Triumph!
Rachel's Boyfriend David Karp Flees Country
