Nat the Fat Rat, apparently some Mormon mommy blogger, has a busy life. She has to walk around New York City all day posing for pictures with her baby AND go shopping and maintain a blog. So it makes sense that sometimes she’s just too frazzled to keep up with her phone, right? Well the inevitable happened: Natalie sat her phone down in a bodega, walked out, and someone in icky yucky grody Poop’s Kitchen swiped it!

i was checking the address on my iphone when we stopped in front of a bodega to get snacks. i was thinking red white and blue snacks! so festive! aren’t i clever! and i stepped into the bodega and wandered around for a bit to find things which are red white or blue. somewhere between the mini marshmallows and the cash register, i did it. i set my phone down. it was my fault. i acknowledge it. i paid and i left and three steps later i went–gasp!

GASPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! Well no big deal, just run back in and see if it’s still there, right?

the shop keeper feigned concern and the cop who was standing RIGHT THERE looked at me like i was a dang fool and said, “lady, it’s gone.” and then, with panic in my shoulders, i upturned every bag of mini marshmallows i could find and then pleaded with the nice man behind the counter, “please could you pretty pretty please review the tapes so i could see where i left it?” and i swear a look of fear crossed his face and he said, “lady, i don’t have time for that.”

Does he not know who she is? She is NATALIE, important mommy blogger! How will she document the next 3 hours of her life without her phone? It’s like these jerks don’t even care!

after a while with spent in the shanes (giant!) living room in a state of deep depression, we went back to the bodega and the holbs went in (to “get sodas) while i sat on the stoop with huck and we prayed and prayed and prayed that it would have turned up. the holbs came out a minute or two later, with no sodas, and, no phone. (bonus points for you if . . .)

the man at the counter said he had reviewed the tapes while we were gone and found no evidence i ever had the phone to begin with.

GASSSSSSSSPPP! What a jerk! You know why this happened? Because it was Poop’s Kitchen, the only neighborhood in New York City where such things happen!

and hole’s kitchen! don’t even think about it, hole’s kitchen!
as i wailed to the holbs during the anger stage of my grief,
“THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE!”

You non-New Yorkers may not know this, but as I have learned from thousands of episodes of ‘Law & Order’, crime simply does not happen on the UWS. Like, EVER. Let this be a lesson to you all, do not go to the crime filled abscess on the ass of this city known as Poop’s Kitchen. Stay on the UWS with the law abiding, thoughtful people. Luckily she has a husband to do her thinkin’ and doin’ for her:

THIS JUST IN: husband has saved the day! returned home with new phone!

Lesson number two: you need a husband to fix things in life. I have learned so much just from this single post that I may become a regular reader. And obviously I have new goals for this year: get married and never go to Poop’s Kitchen and leave my phone in a bodega.

David Karp, spender of money, has apparently decided that he needs more toys. Rather than getting on his Vespa and looking at the road to drive like a normal person, he would rather hook up a GoPro camera system on his handlebars.

As his girlfriend Uberchio Rachel stood back and gave him major bortchface, Karp hooked up a totally unnecessary electronic toy:

Pasquale helped me rig this up so I can see where I’m going

After a rough couple of weeks of hanging out in the Hamptons and not fixing the ignorant new version of the tumblr dashboard, I agree that Karp has earned a new man toy. Seriously why don’t they just buy him out and bring in a real company leader already. Tumblr is like 4 years old now and continues (for some reason) to get millions in free money every funding round. Time to start acting like a real business and cut loose the overgrown child who apparently views tumblr as a money tree for financing his lifestyle.

Amy Paape – who legally changed her name to “Gala Darling” – has apparently been annoying people on the internet for at least 3 years. A google search shows there are already countless “omg this bortch” posts all over the internet.

I have glanced at her website a total of maybe 3 times when she has previously been mentioned here on GOMIBLOG. I’ll be honest, I just cant make it past a couple of pages. I don’t WANT to know anything about her. I don’t WANT to delve into her biography or past, she is so obviously a boring snake oil shiller with her podcasts and forced relevancy posts about topics that have already been covered in Teen Vogue and Jezebel that I can’t even be bothered to give her any attention.

But some of you really want to discuss her. I managed to make it through a google search and the first three pages of her blog, and here’s my impression so far:

• Seems to live off of other people so she can dick around in fluffy dresses and talk about pink ice cream kisses to the universe or something.
• Posts crap about body image that is actually less about exploring the topic in a meaningful way and more about using the internet as a therapist to work through her eating disorder.
• At least every 5th post is her trying to hard sell her podcast or a blog ad.
• Apparently mentions ‘big projects coming up’ a lot but we never see what she is talking about.

Like I said, these are just my first impressions and honestly I have no desire to dig any deeper (and I also get the feeling there IS NO deeper). She seems like a waste of space and a waste of time. She doesn’t seem to contribute anything to the internet or the world other than going around claiming to be an “international playgirl”.

Twatiana of LoveLifeLace.com is back to doing outfit posts and weekly gratitude with regularity after her back to back vacations big move. This week our intrepid cross-country traveler apparently got herself some new glasses, is grateful to her parents and in-laws for setting up the air mattresses yet again for her and her husband, and thanks MTV for filling an hour of her day with trash tv. At the end of her post she drops this heartfelt P.S.:

I’ve re-installed comments so you’re welcome to write in! I missed you guys!

Yes, now that she has time to sit and approve comments again it’s time to hang out the shingle on Validation Station. This certainly will add interest and texture to her blog, as she sometimes gets up to eight (8!) comments on a post!

Jordan Reid, super popular and successful lifestyle blogger, is inviting her 207 readers to tell her what the hole to do with her blog:

Those of you who have been reading RG from the beginning may have noticed that there have been lots of changes over the past few months – for example, I introduced Style and Baby tabs, cut down a little on the out-and-about stuff (save for Weekend Snapshots and event coverage), and tried to step it up with the photography.

Style-wise, posts have, in general, gotten a little longer-form, and there are fewer of them on each page (to help with page-load speed). I’m always trying to keep making things better around here…so I have a question for you:

How can I give you more of what you like?

Specifically, I think my posts can be more or less divided into the following categories:

Recipes
Restaurants
NYC
Beauty
Giveaways/Contests
Baby-Related Stuff
Personal Style/Outfit Posts
Pregnancy Style
Home Decor
Accessible Decor (including “Get The Look” suggestions)
DIY
Gift Guides
Event Coverage
Wedding-Related Stuff
Personal Out-And-About Stuff (like Weekend Snapshots)
Personal Videos

So…are there any categories that you wish were more prominently represented? Any that you don’t particularly like? Anything that I haven’t focused on so far that you’d really like to see on RG in the future?

How about some informative content focusing on one or two areas that she actually might be GOOD at? The reason this Shillshackle Sham Crap isn’t working is because Jordan tries too hard to appeal to EVERYONE – style bloggers, homemakers, diy thrifters, girls in Iowa who like pics of  NYC, mommy bloggers, future brides, women on a budget, women who like luxury goods. Enough already! She’s been at this internet fame chasing bullCrap for 3 years now. She’s had countless profiles of herself and writing gigs on other blogs. She’s networked the ass out of herself going to events and trying to forge friendships with more successful bloggers. You’d think if she had anything to offer content wise, as opposed to just knowing people who can get her exposure, she would have gone somewhere with this idiotic hobby horse of hers by now.

Here’s some feedback, princess: use that million dollar education and get a job already. Stop trying to get famous for being skinny and blonde and living in NYC and do something useful with all that free time your privileged life affords you. Or just embrace your destiny and move to Hudson Valley, retire into upper middle class stay at home mommyhood, and stop trying to be a webutante already.